so tiiiiiired

ohmygaaaah, this weather is seriously stifling...

its come to the point now where you just KNOW a storm is brewing. The weather is really close and humid and altho there isnt any sun, its still hot as balls! Work was a slog today, mainly just cos it felt like i was having to wade through glue - the air was so thick! All i can say is...

Im glad to be home!!! 

(and in my tracky bums & slouchy clothes.... Ahhhhhhh)

I didnt post yesterday cos i really needed a time-out when i got home. for some reason i was really edgy lastnight. It wasnt a bad day at the unit or anything (i gained some weight, which made them happy after dropping a wee smidge last week) but i think i was just nervous cos i knew i had alot to do in work today and getting home to a gazillion emails on my work email didnt help. i knew i had to go and see the head again today to discuss what i was gonna do after half term so that was praying on my mind and all that put together just made me go "AAAAAH! too much going on!!!" So i did the sensible thing... "drop and roll people...." i switched off my phone and said, enough's enough!

Today was better. Altho the weight gain thing was sitting on my brain abit. I keep having these mood swings, one minute im all "SHEEEET i need to eat a ton, cos if i wanna gain by summer i have alot of changes to make... quick, pass the pie!" which is nice and makes me feel all motivated and excited and ON IT! but then there is the other side, where i guess im stressed or panicky or just too hot or too tired, or i dunno... anything! And i cant quite deal with trying anything different and i start subconciously restricting my cals... even if its just by a bit, like totally not worth it. i do it just to make me feel better i think, to gain some order and control. I dont even realise im doing it sometimes. its so stupid.... like lastnight, i was just feeling uptight, so when i made my prawn stirfry, i decided not to put sauce on it. i didnt NOT want the sauce, but i didnt really WANT it either, so i just left it out. then i ended up putting some of the prawns id weighed out back cos it just made me feel better to have less.... i dunno. its stupid, cos it amounted to maybe 20 or 30 cals less, it was literally like 3 prawns. but it just gave me a sense of peace to do that. 

NOT GOOD. right.

Anyways. i know that i really have to man up and deal with stuff this half term. cos tomo is my last day on the unit till after the break. so i have basically 12days till i start back (i have decided to go back and carry on with the second cycle... im not ready to go it alone yet. MAJOR decision, but i think its for the best. this way i will stay doing my two days in and three days at work until the end of term, when i hope i will be better equipped to go and have a killer summer!!!) 

So tomo i know i have another appt with the nutritionist and WHAT a surprise... i still havent got my dinners upto scratch. i really dont know how to do this. i mean ive tried to get my mum to do it. but she bails and frankly, shes not here enough to even make it worthwhile :-( 

i think what im gonna have to do is start going and stocking up on ready meals that i KNOW reach a certain calorie amount. that way i cant keep kidding myself that my dinners "are ok" when clearly they aint doing the bizznazz. Any ideas for dinner recipes would be FABOOSH. cos im getting sick of the things i make, but i dont know (and am a little scared :-p) to branch out. Yes, going through cookery books is good. but i just get so overwhelmed by the amounst and the ingredients and the measureing. id rather someone just said. RIGHT. get the "blabeddy blah" meal from m&s" and make that!

so there you have it. midweek me-time.

not very exciting is it!?! oh well... at least the fact that i am so scared of empty time means that i will be pushing myself to fill up that half term week with plenty of stuff-age. I will be able to entertain you with more interesting stories than just another random quote from my pupils!! What? you STILL want one?!?! oh okaaaay then. todays little nigget of wisdom:

"miss, where does paper come from? i know it comes from TREES, but do they like poo it out or something?!?!"

pure GENIUS!!! seriously. sometimes i just think i have the funniest job in the world. Oh but then i remember the pile of marking sat by my bag and the memory stick JAMMED full to capacity with reports that need writing.... 

ill be off then!!!

happy humpday hero's....

but if anyone DOES fancy writing a load of "could-do-betters" for me. APPLY NOW! i will reward with... umm.. smiles?!?! cheesy illogical metaphors?? CAKE?!?! oh fine. i know... if you want something doing you've gotta do it YOURSELF! (or pay someone... but im broke :-s) Meh.

Laters mateys

:-)