suddenlysunny

Well the weather has certainly taken a turn for the 

WOOO yeah's!!! 

Im talking SUNSHINE baby... hot hot heat and all that jazz. Ahhh im a lovin it. happy boo.... yipyip.

So im a warm weather person... can you tell?!

I cant even describe how much better my mood is when its nice outside. its like i become a shiny happy person and everything has a little layer of positive over it :-)

Which was good timing, cos i was in the unit all day! Altho bummmmm that i had to sit inside, i really surprised myself in that i didnt feel like i had to go and walk loads. the old me would have been out there in a flash during any break or bit of free-time. and today even when i had an HOUR off cos i didnt see my care-worker (i dont see the point seeing her one-to-one anymore, all she does is get me angry and then bring me down in motivation!) So instead i walked down to the river and sat in the grass. it was lush!!!

I saw my therapist this afternoon too, which was cool cos he was off sick last thurs so i hadnt caught up with him. We had a good chateroo and discussed what im gonna do after the half term break, when the 10weeks is up and i decide if i stay on or go solo... its something to think over and then next week we will discuss further and put down a plan. EEK! i think i will probs end up staying on my 2days a week thing, cos im not quite ready to try and cope solo yet. espesh if im gonna try and tackle the biggie in my EDfight, the dreaded exercise compulsion. oooooh. its scary. but its time. i may have had the odd "day-off", when im ill or in london or something. but i cant actually remember the last time i DIDNT do my routine... it mustve been before i got sick, so we're talking maybe 6-7 YEARS of compulsion. man its hard when i think of it like that :-(

well where did it get me? nowhere good! so i think im coming around to the fact that its time to cut that control... i cant progress with recovery until i allow myself to submit fully to getting better. any little control that i keep, will just give fuel to the anorexic thoughts and even the slightest little bit of power it has, it will use to work against me. to drag me down..... well im damned if im gonna give it that satisfaction!!! so i know what i have to do.

actually DOING it will be alot harder tho!!!

Anyways. on my way home this afternoon i started thinking about how summer is about being free and having fun and doing nice summery things. SOOOO i decided that since it was still warm and nice out, id ask the mumatron if she fancied going to get an ice-cream!!!

I KNOW... right?!?!?!?! ME asking to go for extra snackage!? haha

but i felt like i had to grab the bull by the horns, so as soon as i got in i was like "willyoucomewithmetogetanicecreamithinkineedtopushmyselfanditssummersothatswhatpeopledoinsummerwhatdoyouthink?!?!" literally, the words TUMBLED out my mouth!!!

luckily she (sort of) got the jist and we went to the shop before i had time to change my mind... I cant have regular ice-cream and ive always been more of a lolly lover, so i got a fruit pastel lolly. quite a big step for me, cos i DID want to get the plain orange fruit juice lolly, but that would be staying too safe, so i thought ill get a fun one. something id probs have picked when i was younger. and you know what, im glad i did!!! it was yummy!

i even managed to snap a few pics before it melted down my face... aren't i clever?! :-)

converse = <3

I feel like im making steps towards change. its scary as hell, but i dunno... i quite like it!!! i guess i always was a sucker for punishment :-p