girl-time

Ive had a good day :-)

I was supposed to go to the cinema with my friend A lastnight, but by the time i got out from work and got home and everything, i was pooped. She didnt text me till after 6pm anyways and by then i was pretty much beat!!! going to an 8pm showing and not getting home till past 11 was the last thing i felt like doing... call me old-fashioned. but after a long week at work, the last thing i wanna do is party. i was totes down for some sofa time and comfort food :-p

So we decided to meet up today instead, just get outside have some fresh air.... the weather looked promising, so we met up and walked to the big green behind my house for a girly catch up in the sun! perfection....

Its so nice to have girl-time, cos i dont have that many female friends. its weird! i am quite a girly girl, but ive never been into that whole bitchy competetive thing that alot of the girls i grew up around had. so i made friends with the boys! but recently ive gained two new girl-friends... my "newbie" friend, who i went to the pub-quiz with, and this one... who has just come back from australia. Im suddenly spoiled for choice!!! (yeah, two friends... WOOPWOOP. man im such a loser!!) But yeah, im glad that A has come back from travelling, cos its nice to have a girl who has that same "non-girl" mentality. she's very open and doesnt need to have a boyfriend, she's independant and what's good for me, is that she's impulsive and outgoing. She's abit like the old me (which is hard sometimes, cos it reminds me of what we were like back in the day... we got into some serious mischief!!) But its abit different now, she's matured alot and i guess ive changed heaps. Its strange cos she hasnt really seen me since things got bad... and i envy her for doing stuff, going off for a big chunk of her adult life and DOING something while i was just here, sick and helpless. I wish i had some of her guts! i mean the girl just upped and left to travel the world. she had no plan, no money and often just worked day to day so she could live! as scary as it sounds, it mustve been such an amazing, freeing experience. It makes me feel like i wanna do something spontaneous like that! Ive had to be pretty reliant on my home, security and doctors over the past 6years and im bored of it!!! listening to her and the things she did and saw, it scares the hell out of me... i mean i dont think i could EVER be that brave. to not know where your next meal comes from? not know if you can afford to live? GAH it makes me so anxious! but its something that i think would do me good. to take a chance. to prove to myself that i can.

its definitely there in my mind alot these days! cos lets face it.... 

you're only young once right?!

Anyways. it was a fun afternoon. We sat, we chilled and i didnt feel like "ohmygod i have to walk"... sure, it niggled me abit. but we did walk abit, maybe it was slower than what id normally do. but its important to find a balance and see what a non-walk-obsessed person does! (i noticed that i was walking abit faster than her, but still slower than my usual! and she was out of breath... so that shud be telling me something and its NOT that she's unfit) Plus, i dont need to be walking everyday cos i do enough during the week anyways! so i tried to keep myself focused on enjoying the time, rather than obsessing about silly exercise.

So now im home and feeling good about getting through the first day of the weekend. the only niggle is that i didnt eat very well today. Its always hard when i do social stuff, cos it seems like some people have the weirdest eating habits! i mean, i had breakfast and then morning snack then we met up at 12ish... i dunno what she had, obviously (no comparing!!!) but we hung out till gone 4 and she didnt eat anything. i know alot of people dont have lunch and just eat more in the evenings or whatever, i get that. espesh if you had breakfast late... i used to skip lunch all the time! But we didnt get anything, so i had my afternoon snack (which was in my bag) at 4pm. better than nothing i guess? but still, that means  i had no lunch :-( Not the weirdest for me, i find lunchtime on weekends a struggle anyways, but i was very aware that i SHOULD be having it this time. I think the shift in my head is starting to get more prominant. i know now that i dont have to walk so much, in fact i shouldnt cos im not gaining enough as it is. but then i also know that i must get enough food, cos im not gaining enough when im eating the full MP, so whats the point of not having enough... i am trying to GAIN weight after all.

I wish i was one of those people who can see that they missed a meal or snack and then make up for it later in the day, by eating a big dinner or a tub of ice-cream or something... but for some reason, once ive missed a meal/snack. its then gone. i cant redeem those cals elsewhere. i might feel better about having a bigger dinner, but i wont add on the extra calories. which saddens me cos if i DID, then it would all tally up and i wouldnt be such a wimpy-cheater on the weekends and feel like id let myself down... Plus if i had to eat loads later, chances are id feel shitty and then i certainly wouldnt want to risk missing something again!

Still, its all a learning curve... Im getting a bit better as each weekend looms. but i only have two more till the big half term week off (eeeeeek!) i am already trying to make changes so that i can cope with that big sea of empty time. But its not something im looking forwards to... i know how easy it can be to slip backwards (even eating less today has made me want to eat less for the rest of the day...) and put that into a whole WEEK and things could get messy... i dont fancy having to claw myself out of anorexia's grasp yet again, so i must try to pre-empt any sneaky tricks it may have up its sleeve while i have the time and support to battle through.....

How have your weekends been so far? 

has anyone else enjoyed good weather?? 

how nice is it to just sit and relax on a patch of grass in the sunshine?!?! 

call me crazy but it really is the best feeling! 

:-)