quizzie rascals

Yeeeeah, so i think its fair to say that we did NOT win the pub-quiz lastnight!!!

Not surprising since, after a few lastminute flake-outs from our supposed "team-mates" it ended up being just the two of us!!! me and my friend (who is a sort of, newbie friend if you like...) we dont know each other that well yet. but we always get on when we're out in a group and at the same social things so it just seemed natural to take that next step into hanging out... man that sounds so cheesy, like it was a first date or something!!! haha. But you know how it is, when you make a new friend, you hang out in a group and then if you get on, you hang out solo... but sometimes getting on as part of a group doesnt always translate into being friends by yourself.... but luckily, it went well!!! Cos lets face it, since it was supposed to be a group thing and then it ended up just us, it could have been wholly awkward. Buuuut, no weird silences, no "nothing to talk abouts", it was fun!

Altho we really did suck big bananas at the Qns :-p

what?! they were HARD!!!

It was good for me to get out of the house, cos i was still feeling pretty down and out after sunday nights showdown and the weekends lapse into bad habits... I didnt have that much energy, but i still had a good time. And i have to say im proud that I wasnt one of the people to bail this time!!

So it was quite a late one, and thankgod i didnt have work today! But still, after another day of not eating well and my ongoing tummy troubles, i wasnt too excited to step on the scales this morning :-s And whaddayaknow... id lost. Im gonna be truthful, part of me was like "yesssss, you CAN still lose if you want to, that weight-gain lastweek wasnt fully beyond your control" But then the sensible part of me was like "well, here we go again. Pick up where you left off and get yo ass back into gear madam!"

So thats what ive done :-)

Im not proud of how i messed up over the weekend, but i refuse to take only negatives from it. Soooo, here comes the chirpy "pick-me-up's!"

• I managed to stay more or less sedentary and it didnt bother me TOO much (she says!) cos my body felt weak and wobbly and i knew that pushing it would lead to bad things. I need to listen to my body and respect that it knows best. Pushing myself too hard now may result in injury and quite possibly not being able to do what id like to do later in life... And the proof is in the puff. the DEXA scan showed that i have osteopenia in my left hip... its fixable (god bless those yummy chewy calcium-vits) but that osteopenia didnt get there by itself now did it???
• Secondly, I recognised that the anorexia is still very much a controlling force in my life, almost to the point where it felt like i had lost all control and there was something taking over me. I dont ever want to be that vulnerable again. It was scary and i didnt recognise myself :-( which leads me to my final point...
• Once i started eating less and restricting, the anorexia grew stronger. The more opportunity i gave it, the more it preyed on my weaknesses and therefore sapped MY strength and used it against me.... If the anorexia is a monster that grows strong when you starve it, i need to make sure i dont give it ANY chance to gain power. No missed snacks, no "ill have abit less now, i can always make up for it later...." NOPE, that leads to dangerous ground. And im obviously not ready to start being intuitive with food just yet. So its back to "hello mister mealplan, will you be my friend again?!"

Some lessons learnt and isnt that what recovery is all about? Learning... I know that i make some of the mistakes again and again, but that doesnt mean im not learning from them. One of these days, all this learning will stick! I look forwards to that day, 

Cos it'll be one of those days, when ill realise...

that im me again 

:-)