GAHHHH

Why are the weekends so bloody HARD?!?!?!

Im so annoyed, i did ok yesterday! i mean not amazing... food-wise i still didnt have enough, but i ate and i made up for it by eating what i wanted. but i made progress cos i didnt over-walk and i chilled out and had fun with a friend. I felt like i accomplished something... i felt like i might be getting over my weekend slip-up pattern.

Think too soon much?! Hmm. fast forwards to today and im RIGHT back at stupid restricting guilty square one. 

MAN i hate the sunday blues.

Its not like i dont know my pattern either. i know that if i have breakfast late, i wont have time for my morning snack (that one usually goes out the window on weekends anyways) but then lunchtime comes and i think UH-OH... i havent been up that long and its lunchtime?? say whaaaat?!?! so i delay it and delay it and then its too "late" for lunch and i shud really be having my afternoon snack. but then i get panicky cos afternoon snack isnt lunch and lunch cant be afternoon snack, so what the hell do i do?!?! enter another big GAH!!! 

So i do what i always do... i say "i know, i will ignore both and just hope it all goes away" 

Oh yeah, cos THAT outta solve it... its always worked soooo well in the past. D'oh. I mean am i really that much of a DUMBASS?! 

So another day slips by into not-eating my snacks or my lunch, inevitably i begin to get influenced by the ED who doesnt want me to eat anything and i start to feel guilty. But then my concious brain kicks in and says WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SILLY GIRL????? i know i only make things worse by doing this. but somehow i just cant control it so well when nobody is around and i dont have anything to do with my day. i tried not to walk obsessively. i went out for half an hour and it was such an effort to slow myself down that i dont even know if it was worth calming my mind with a walk. maybe i shud've just sat with the shitty feelings anyways. cos i had to do that later when i had more empty time and the ED made me feel lazy for having "free time".

Whats so bad about free-time anyways??? its not like its illegal for gods sake!!!

Tomo i jump back on the bandwagon. Its strange, cos there's never any doubt in my mind that i wouldnt go back to my normal weekday mealplan on a monday. which is almost what pisses me off the most! i mean, i KNOW im going to eat my normal amount the next day, so why cant i do it fully throughout the week. whats so special about those two little weekend days???? I guess cos im not busy or distracted or whatnot. But i shud see that as an added bonus. im busy most of the time, so i shud DEF be sedentary when i dont have to be active.... after all, i could be made to be sedentary the whole time! some people are, especially at my BMI... urh. i almost wish i was. why do i torture myself with this silly "active=health" mentality? i genuinely think that if i stopped my strength exercises & cut out the walking that i would somehow crumble into nothingness, become some unfit, unable mess.... how silly is that?! LOADS of people dont do any "activity" other than their day-to-day necessity, which can be as little as get out of bed, get into car, work at desk, get back in car, get home, sit in front of tv, bed. I very much doubt they dont eat to make up for this...

So what makes me different??

apart from my screwed up head that is.

BOOOOO! i think i need a shot of positivity over here! 

why hasnt starbucks invented that yet?! with squirty cream & cinammon sprinkles

:-p