preparation...

I had an extra snack today. oh yes i DID!

I keep feeling like i need to get my intake up to that 2500 mark that would meet my MP 100%. its become a weird sort of challenge! i have never as yet been able to hit my MP fully. Im not trying to be exact to the calorie number or whatever, i dont wanna become all rigid with numbers. but making sure that i get all the things im meant to get in, i wanna do it! its not likely to happen just yet, cos the dinner thing is still a massive struggle.... im still very scared of branching away from the foods im good with. the healthy things. the safe things. i can eat more of them, but im still anxious about straying from them.

but all in good time... this will come :-)

Anyways. i have been pushing myself on the mentality that i need more, i am not yet hitting the MP fully and if im not making the dinners, then i shud try and make damn sure im meeting every other meal or snack! having more if i can, to compensate for the lacking dinnertimes.... Sooooo

today i made sure i hit ALL my daytime meals. as i would in the unit. no excuses. no ma'am!

Its hard for me sometimes to make sure i get as much as i would in the unit, cos when im working im more sporadic with food choices.... i can go with what i fancy rather than what is on the menu that day. its nice! But sometimes this, combined with the fact that i AM at work and therefore dont have hours to sit and spend eating lunch and snacks, means that i have been missing off various parts of my MP. not intentionally, but it happens. and i dont make it up. which isnt so good....

Well today i made sure that i had enough time at lunch to get the FULL sandwich, crisps and pudding in. OH YEAH!!!!! it was tough, but i was hungry for it, so it wasn't too hard on that front and i knew i should be having it, so i just la-la-laaaa'd the niggles in my head and munched on down!

Well naturally, after having more at lunch, i wasnt so hungry for my afternoon snack.... or shud i say my ED wasnt hungry for it. cos if i had more at lunch, surely i didnt neeeeeed a snack?!?! WRONG!!! i was feeling peckish, which helped. so even tho it was later (id lost time by having to bargain with myself and talk that nasty ED out of the driving seat) i still had something! At first i just had a piece of fruit and then thought better, i knew that the piece of fruit was just my ED trying to "kid" me that it counted as a snack. but after id had a firm word with myself!!! i decided i needed to have a quick and easy cereal bar to make it a proper snack. JOB DONE.

Urhh, its tough cos as im sure alot of you know... it really takes alot of effort to go against what you know and are used to. Restriction and sitting through hunger has been a habit for a long time, so denying myself of that and trying to do the opposite feels strange and scary. it hurts my head cos i have to rationalise that, yes i DO need it... while all the time, my anorexia is making me feel bad for it. 

but as horrible as i feel about it... when i DO achieve success. it feels kindof good?! 

I know its risky cos now im not so hungry for dinner. but i can always make that up with my nightime snacking! which isnt ideal, but im trying to break bad habits and make new ones... what im proud of is that today, i didnt ignore my hunger cues. i didnt ignore the fact that i knew i SHOULD have snack. 

today, i fought for my health......

i think thats one up to me :-p

i just HOPE HOPE HOPE that this act of defiance against the ED will set me up to be strong and fight harder tomo, the dreaded weekend..... ooooh it gives me the willies just thinking about it! i really hate how badly i change on the weekends. it seems like im a totally different person. ED runs riot if i so much as give it an INCH of wriggle room, it scares me... i can go from supermotivated and positive to weak and helpless in the space of a couple of hours and im never quite sure how to prevent it :-s

Any ideas?!?!? i really need help coming up with ways of coping with keeping up the eating and not walking on these two "unfilled" non-work days...

I know i have to stay on my guard. but if im going to meet my MP, i need to be up at a decent hour and have some serious ROUTINE RIGIDITY.... This sadly also means i will inevitably have alot of empty time to fill. and you know how much my exercise compulsion loves that empty time. oh its just prime walking time. GAH!!!! if only things weren't so bloody multi-complicated!!! 

SO

basically.

i must focus... 

i must be brave.... 

i must try to distract myself.... 

i (definitely) must not end up talking about pigeons.....

have a good weekend everyone! 

:-)