bored of talking?!

Whats this you say?!?! ME bored of talking?!?! it must be some kindof madness!

Haha, dont worry... i dont think its a long term thing :-p but today i just seem to be going through weird extremes of either just wanting to babble (incoherently) non-stop, to then suddenly clamming up and just not wanting to speak at all.

strange no?

Maybe its just cos im feeling very aware that basically ALL i ever talk about at the moment is anorexia stuff. Its either about recovery... or exercise... or my compulsions... or my fears and scary things... or what im going to eat or what i should or shouldnt/ can or cant eat.... My god, its non-stop. And altho i could probably talk about it till the cows come home, cos its always there in my head... 

processing. working. dissecting.

i am very aware that for other people, it must be HELLA boring! Like the mumster for example. Shes super patient with me and i know i babble on and on and ON about my mealplans or what i had on the unit or WOW i ate a flapjack. GO ME. but seriously, it must be getting old. In fact i know it is, cos sometimes i can see her glaze over! but i cant stop. its like its so consuming of my life right now.... plus i guess i spent so long in denial about it, thinking i could handle stuff myself and NOT really talking, that now i am the floodgates are opened and WHOOOOOOSH. what can i say, there a lot of built up talkystuff in me.

It helps that i am in the unit and i can talk about stuff there, but honestly. i bore myself sometimes! i just feel like this is all i seem to think about and consequently its all i seem to talk about. cos its constantly on my mind... it never goes away. Even if i try and focus on other stuff, its still there in the back of my mind. waiting for an opportunity to pip in. Its weird how subjects can be related back to anorexia... it can crop up in literally ANY theme of conversation! if im talking to someone or watching tv or listening to the radio. Any little thing will draw my mind back to my anorexia and recovery. For example: food... bam (thats an obvs tho!) exercise... yup. there i am. even someone discussing hobbies or clothes or the freaking ANTIQUES ROADSHOW!!! i can always find some way of linking it back to me and my ED. God its annoying!!! I swear, i long for the old days when i used to think about other stuff. i mean, ill take anything! fashion, movies, music, boys... hell even talking about pigeons or car headlights would be more interesting right now than the MONOTONE of my recovery! (im sure pigeons are fascinating folks, but im not a massive aviary fan... plus pigeons are pretty gross... especially those ones with no feet and gammy wings. yeaaah, you know the ones!)

So anyways. I guess having this blog is abit of a godsend really. cos i do feel like it is one of the places i dont worry or feel guilty or self-concious for spilling my thoughts out in a lovely wordy splodge... Its very cathartic for me to speak my mind somewhere where i dont feel like im boring anyone directly!! haha, (honestly you can turn over now if you are thinking "when will this nonsense END!!!" i wont be TOO offended :-p) But you know what i mean... its not face-to-face boredum. i dont feel like the person is too polite to say not THIS old claptrap again!!!

So basically. i talk alot. about recovery. it helps. it makes me think. but its annoying (probably)

theres not a whole lot i can do about that tho!

HAH

I had a chat with mum just before writing this, so now you know where this post came from.... Ahh, the inner workings of my mind!!! Its like minesweeper in there these days. sure... its fun, for a while. but its very one-dimensional and can get tedious after a while. oh, and theres alot of potential explodey things. mustnt forget that :-p

Im sure i WILL get back to the old me... the me who had other interests and hobbies and thoughts and plans. i dont want to always just think about food and weight and walking and whether or not im healthy or any of those warped disorder-fuelled things that fill me head incessantly. GAH!!! i get that there isnt much spare space in there right now. but there will be, right?!?! someone please reassure me that i will get back some interests that are not anorexia motivated or related! i want to be able put abit of me back in there!!!