what a weak?

morning folks....

altho i seem to have missed most of the morning :-s

I woke up this morning and was literally unable to get up... it was horrible, its made me think right back to when i was bedbound with M.E and couldnt do anything, which is the ONE feeling im always trying to run away from, probably the main reason i keep such a rigid control on my eating and obsessive health complex. cos im scared of going back there.... and htis morning, i felt like i was.

I didnt panic, i know that i cannot spiral in ONE day! i told myself that it has been a busy week, i am tired, my body needs rest... i went out lastnight and maybe that played a part. so i slept, i lay in, i snoozed... i just gave my body what it asked for. Thats not to say that i didnt feel bad for lying in bed, for not getting up and getting active. My anorexia wanted so badly for to get up and do my bloody stretches, but i said no. ive been trying to say no for months, years perhaps? but never manage to stick with it. a day here (and much guilt later...) but i dont stick at it. I long to be able to just live a normal life, not to wake up and force myself to do crunches and planks and squats.... but everyday i fall into the same old trap.

Today i said no.

I almost didnt get up at all... I think i just lacked motivation. Since i didnt have anything planned and was all lethargic and at a loss as to what to do, i think i was doubly bleeeh. but luckily at that point, i got a text from a friend asking to meet for a coffee and papers sesh this afternoon. PHEWS. so never one to be unproductive when there are things to do :-p i hopped out of bed (slowly tho, i still feel abit weak and wobbly) and got myself up, to face the day....

So here we are, i am taking it carefully cos i dont feel 100%... i dont know why tho? i dont feel ill... i just feel very weak and tired and stuff. It feels abit like those days when i had restricted & felt weak and fragile... but i havent restricted... in fact, yesterday i had more cos i went out for the dinner! so what gives??? Is my body freaking out? am i gaining/losing/adapting.... im confused. If theres one thing i know, its that i dont want to push my body when it feels unable. It just makes me think of that poor girl in the article i posted who died in her sleep even tho she was in recovery... its tragic. So i know i have to seriously try to stop all this unnecessary activity. Its not doing me any good and its just fuelling my ED obsessions. i need to be shocked into not doing anything, harsh but true. Otherwise i still think that even at my low BMI, that im "fine".... famous last words?? no thanks.

So anyways. i better go and put on my face :-) hehe. in other words, get out of my tracky bums and make myself look halfway presentable! 

have a good weekend everyone!

:-)