So its been another one of those pesky weekends where i feel like everything i do and everything i say is wrong. Luckily it hasnt resulted in me losing focus or motivation for recovery, nope... if anything its made me MORE determined.... yipee!!!
But hey, enough of the banter. heres the lowdown!
Nice lazy morning on saturday, let myself sleep late and then got up and did some yoga/pilates which made me feel all stretttttched out :-) Then upto london on the train, made the effort to call up my sis (who had fallen off her moped again the day before) and was all sympathetic and jokey and said id help her hobble about etc. DAMN i try! Anyways, long journey short... i met up with her at her friends house and walked her back home, she couldnt really get very far and we were hobbling at snails pace, so i put her in a taxi and headed to the supermarket to pick up our dinner. check me out, sisterly duties and all :-p
Weird thing is, when my sis and I are together but NOT with the mothership... we are okay. we're not amazing, i dont think we will ever be those kindof sisters who do everything together and are super close. its sad, but its just not on the cards for us. but thats not to say that i dont want to get on with her. but my god, she can make things so difficult....
After a pretty decent afternoon of us hanging out. the mumatron arrives back at the flat after her day trip. and what do you know. SUDDENLY the dynamic changes. My sister becomes ratty and snipey at me. she focuses only on mum and deliberately excludes me from the conversations. WHAT THE F**K?!?!? i mean, talk about bipolar, this is a serious case of split personality!!! its like she is a totally different person, needless to say it does not make me feel very good... nobody likes being deliberately made to feel unwelcome :-(
Anyway, i draw back into myself as i usually do in these situations, cos whats the point? i dont want to compete for my mums time, i dont WANT to be bitchy and agressive and all that. cos it only makes me feel shit. so i remove myself from the situation, go elsewehere or do something on my own. Should make her happy, right? WRONG, cos hey since she doesnt agree with this attempt at peacemaking... she bitches it up large style. and i bare the brunt of her agression. fun..? not so-much.
I often wonder why she picks on me so much, whether its the insecurities buried within her, that she feels like she needs to take it out somewhere and by making me feel bad, she makes herself feel better? i dunno. but ever since i can remember her being ill, she has always taken her aggression out by making me feel bad. whether thats by making me out to be "manipulative" or "the golden child" or saying i think im better than anyone else (which is SOOO not true!!) but yeah, its putting me down in some form or another. After a fair few years of this, it does start to niggle inside you, you cant help it! and even worse... you DO start to question yourself. wondering if maybe their is truth in the words. For a long time when i was younger, it didnt really affect me. i knew she was messed up and i had my own life and was happy as a separate person... away from the rest of the family drama, i was my own person with my own friends and my own life. I was independant and happy like that. But since i got ill and i had to rely more heavily on my mum, my sis got more and more "difficult".... its hard cos i really dont like being around when its the three of us together, but they are my family. so what can i do??
This nasty vibe carried through onto the sunday, when we went out for mums bday lunch. redeeming feature: HAS to be the yummy food! its a proper spanish family run tapas restaurant (same place we went for my bday last month!!!) and its THAT good :-p i could literally eat and eat and eat! (i did, more than mum and sis, but hey... i can afford to right?!) But by the time the end of the meal came, things had come to a head and words were being said. Basically, my sis said that she didnt want me to be staying up in london. My mum had asked if i would be up again next weekend and my sis started huffing and puffing and getting grumpy. Then when i challenged her about it, she satrted saying that "if she didnt want me there, why should she make me feel welcome".... NICE. then when i said how disgustingly rude and insensitive that was, she started twisting the words and making out that i was being overly-sensitive and "taking it the wrong way". i mean what other way CAN you take that?!?!?
Ohhh, it sucks. but im over it now. im home. i dont have to think about her. but annoyingly it STILL prays on my mind. is this how its gonna be forever? it just makes me want to get better and get the hell out of this place more than anything! In fact, since i have plans to go and stay in the US over the summer so that i can try and find possible jobs, i am about to go check ticket prices so that i can book and then have something to look forwards to!!! Im hoping that if i find some job possibilities, i will be more prepared to move out there properly next year sometime... AHH, it would be so amazing to be away from all this crap and start afresh in a country i LOVE and be able to see some of the amazing friends that i have met out there... theyve already opened my eyes to so much :-) it just pushes me that added bit more to get healthy. i am SO ready to get out there!
So that was my weekend... sorry it wasnt all fun and games. but lifes not always a picnic people!! It can be rough and sadly, i seem to be having quite a rough patch with the fam. its hard graft and i dunno how much longer i can take, being that it seems like im the only one making any effort to change things :-(
BACK to reality! Todays been a busy school day, but its back to the unit for post-weekend funtimes tomo. To be honest, im not actually too fussed about weight this week!! it can do what it likes... cos lets face it, it will anyway! I have tried to keep my eats up and i have already got some options for the weeks dinners to try and get me upping those cals. burger and chips tonight! (altho mum has just got in from another bday lunch, with her friends this time... and she says shes stuffed and so im worried that if she cant eat hers. i wont be feeling very good about eating mine :-s i guess i can only try. and remember that i MUSNT compare with someone else.... what i might need is personal to ME, nobody else!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
WHAT, can I come to the US with you? Its my dream to live there, or France.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, everything with your sister, to me, it almost sounds like she is acting this way, because she is jealous some what of the attention you may have received from being ill, by your mum. Which infact is actually really common for siblings, and perhaps your sisters way of dealing with that is to try and upset you. I'm not sure, and thats my own interpretation on it, but as I don't know your sister, or the fact I was not there, it is hard to make a judgement.
What I would say is, that although it is extremely hard to 'ignore' her behaviour fully, as it is very upsetting and confusing for you, you perhaps need to focus on something else, and just think that you live your life and she lives hers, and if she wants to treat her sister that way, then so be it, that is not your problem. I know that is so much easier said than done, though.
Jess x