turning things around

Oh god, yesterday was a major bust....

and i started off so well!!! 

I think i just put so much pressure on myself that i almost provoked a meltdown :-(

I got up and did some yoga and felt good about the fact that t was sunny and altho i wanted to go out and walk before i ate anything (its an inbuilt feeling that if its nice outside i have to make the most of it and walk walk walk) but i DIDNT! i had brekkie and relaxed and marked some of my exam papers and waited for the mumster to arrive home from london.

When she arrived it was good! i was pleased to see her, she was smiley... all good! so as i was in the middle of having some snacky lunch and on the comp, i said id finish up what i was doing and then come down and catch up.

well it went downhill from there....

i came down and suggested id go to the supermarket later, so i wasnt tempted to walk. but she blew up. started saying she'd only JUST got back and why was i hassling her already... i was like "say whaaaaat now?!" i literally had not said anything!!! i didnt even say SHE had to come, but then she was like, well maybe i WANT to come, and i said that as fine too. but then she flipped it around again and asked sarcastically, if i could give her like 10 minutes to just sit and relax.

what the bejeeeeez?!?! i was totes thrown by this, cos only half an hour before, when she got in she was all happy and we were fine.

As you can imagine, it made me hella anxious and panicky and i started thinking it was all my fault, that im sefish and bad and wrong and broken.... aaaaaall that jazz.

I tried to talk it out so that i could move on but she didnt want to, so i tried to sit in my room and move onto something else, but it was playing on my mind.

I did sit outside with her for a while, but when it came to the afternoon i said i might go for a walk with the dog and then she was like NO... we're going to the supermarket now! so i was like okaaaay. i was feeling alright about the fact that i hadnt done any walking, cos i am trying SO hard to be chilled about it. but she dawdled and delayed and then i thought, if we dont go now im gonna be late for my snack. then i got panicky, shud i have the snack first?? but then she wouldnt sit and eat something with me, so id feel like i was being greedy and why shud i have something when she didnt... i didnt deserve to eat when nobody else was.

PANIC STATIONS.

tension was building and eventually we just GOT IN the car and drove (me with my snack fearfully clutched in my hand!) i was trying to explain that i was very anxious, but she was not being supportive. she said if i was stressed, dont have the bloody snack. well that didnt help. long story short, i knew i had to have it, so i had it in the carpark, with her sitting huffing and puffing and generally feeding into my negative thoughts that i am shit and a letdown and a waste of time....

crying in the supermarket while small children stare at you bewildered and adults look on pityingly, CHECK. oh yes, it was humiliating to say the least. but hey, mum still gets on with her stuff. asking me which things i want, this or that.... "urhh, does it LOOK like i care right now" i was not even present in this situation. i felt like a zombied monster!

it got worse and by the evening, i just had to get out. i was texting my friends to try and get some of the support that i BADLY needed at this point. and one friend told me to come meet her and we'd go for a walk to clear my head. 

i uhmmed and ahhed alot. i really didnt feel like seeing any people at all. but i sucked up my social anxieties and i went to meet her. we just walked in the fields by her house and talked and she listened and it helped. i still felt shitty, but i felt "fresh air always helps" so it was better.

Last night was weird. i came home, i sat and then i went to bed. we didnt really talk. we just let it go.

i ate a plum tart as an act of defiance against the ED that has put me in this situation to start with and vowed that today would be better.

So far, it has been!!! got up and walked the dog with mum, its gorgeous outside and we met up wth some other dogwalkers and just ambled about. Breakfast now and then in a min, we are going to the beach to try and enjoy the day. hopefully gonna pick up some seafood for lunch and then come home and relax. 

Who knows if we will talk it out. i dont know if it will even help at all.... i think my mum is just NOT able to cope with the emotional stuff. she cant handle it. so its back to me and the ED. one on one. the good vs the evil!!!! its a fight i know i have to face alone, but at least i know that i will always have my friends to call on when i need a pick-me-up :-)

So to the beach!!!!

i will try and take some pics to show you how nice it is here at the mo.... so nice im searching for my factor 30 as we speak :-p

later peeps x