Well i guess i didnt need to worry...
Cos i gained! not a vast amount, im just back up to what i lost at the end of last week. But it reminded me that i DO still have problems with gaining weight and all that, cos immediately i was like, GAH what would i have weighed if i hadnt been up all night with tummy troubles?!?! so yeah. the old body checking has been quite present today, silly stomach poking and that jazz.... Hmm, hello anorexia, i see your still hanging about then? :-(
I hate feeling like this, cos it makes me worry. I worry that im eating too much, but then i know i havent gained a crazy amount of weight, so thats ok... im stable. but then i worry that its only stable cos im still doing alot of walking, so i think that i need to cut back the walking cos its not helping and im relying on it andi need to see what i will maintain on without that... but then i worry about stopping and then when ive gained like today i question WHY ive gained, cos altho ive been trying, i havent been 100% with my MP over the weekend and im partly back at work so thats gonna mean being more active and so i worry that if im eating less and still gaining then maybe my body is gonna slip back into starvation mode and by eating too little i will suppress my metabolism and cause further problems and then ARGHHGHHGHHHHHH.....
aaand my brain explodes.
One of my biggest problems is not being able to relax or switch my brain off... im constantly in a state of buzzzzzzz. This morning we had our blood pressure taken and mine was weird. the top number was slightly low (common for anorexics) but the bottom number was pretty high?? massive confusion (the stupid care-worker didnt know what blood pressure meant, she had to go and google it and she's supposed to be a nurse...!!! umm, qualified much?!)
Anyone have any ideas?? the care-worker said maybe it was high because im quite active and i dont rest enough, like adrenaline or something (but then again she WOULD say that....!) but then someone said maybe its cos i have alot of salt? i dunno... im not especially worried, but im still curious y'know?
The rest of today was pretty standard. It was strange being back after being at work. But it was nice at the same time... the others said they missed me on monday! i think its alot quieter without me :-p But yeah, not very exciting... It makes me wonder what im getting out of it. Cos im missing work and therefore not being paid for those two days and so when we sit in a group and talk about whats on tv tonight (as part of our "lifestyles" sessions) I start to question if its worth it!! I brought this up with one of the staff, but she said it was still important not to "overload" on food?ED issues, that some people couldnt handle that. are they for REAL?!!?! arent we supposed to be there to DEAL with this stuff, not to try and skirt around the issue and avoid the subject?!!? If i want to chat about what good films are out, ill do that with my friends, in my OWN time... not in a treatment unit for anorexia! But hey ho, im trying to be more compliant, so i went to the groups, i ate my meals and snacks, im trying to be a good patient, basically (altho the useless housekeeper/cook guy forgot to give me my cereal bar pudding, so i had to ASK for it again... which is always hard cos part of me was like "you dont need it, dont bother" but then the scared part of my brain that worries that im not getting enough and i have to stay consistent or my body wont know what im doing and gain on a lower amount said NO!!! eat the damn thing!! eat more!! just in case!)
Still, I guess this is a good way to think, that i need to have more. i mean... if im gaining anyways, i dont wanna gain on a low amount. and last week i was maintaining on the MP i had in the unit, which felt like alot.... but then again, i STILL havent sorted out my dinners yet. that was my agreed increase at last weeks appt, and so far this week i have yet to achieve it. I think im stuck in the idea of what my dinners are like... its hard to change them or add to them. i am used to them as they are... it would be like trying to have mustard instead of ketchup with a meal that you always have ketchup with. Does that make any sense?!?!?! haha.
Anyways, im at work again tomo which shud be fun. First day novelty will be gone, so its down to business!!! im doing better with walking less, but i still do more than i imagine a normal person would... but then again, im still so confused with what normal is!!! the guidelines say one thing, but yet it seems like some people do so much more. i dont really know what i shud be aiming for!
I will get enough to eat tomo tho. i may be struggling with the change in dinners, but i CAN amke sure that i nail everything else.... that is my official WEDNESDAY CHALLENGE!
Anyone fancy doing a challenge with me?!?!
it can be anything :-)
For the blood pressure question, it sounds like you might be orthostatic. It's really common for people with eating disorders to have...I have it, even after being weight restored and doing better behaviorally. It means that your heart rate raises quite a bit when you stand up compared to when you sit down. I'm not POSITIVE if it this is it or not, but I remember that I had some weird reading when I got my blood pressure checked when I was in a treatment program and they said it was that. If you get that "black out" feeling when you stand up (getting dizzy and vision fading) than it's really likely that that's it! It's not something that's terrible, but it means that your body is NOT healthy and you have electrolyte imbalances which could lead to a heart attack =/ Make sure you stay hydrated and drink things that have electrolytes in them!! I know it's scary working with your MP, but it's worth it in the long run. THe healthier your body becomes, the healthier your mind will become. I know that sounds weird, but the more nourished your body and brain are, the more likely your healthy mindset will be able to come out! Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteThankyou so much for answering! I have heard that low blood pressure is common amongst anorexics, but i just couldnt figure out why one number was low and the other was high, it didnt seem to make sense!
ReplyDeleteI dont get that black out feeling regularly. i have had it once or twice, but not for a long time. So im not sure... hmm, its a puzzler!
Whats all this about electrolytes tho? i thought that was for athletes and stuff, cos like in those sports drinks they add them?
I am totes hanging in there, dont you worry! im in this for the long haul :-) it is very reassuring to hear people say that as your weight goes up, your mind becomes better. cos i honestly sometimes despair that i will have this trapped in my head forever :-s
But then again, my weight hasnt gone up enough to have found this out since ive been ill, its always gain a little, lose a little... i never get past my "high" point. i have to aim to get past my STUCK point, then hopefully things will start moving abit easier!