not again...

Wow, somedays are just. plain. hard.

Like i woke up today and felt so positive but yet somehow i have managed to spiral back down into thinking im not doing things right and that ive messed up my recovery already cos i havent met my MP this weekend and so whats the point in trying, when i never manage to cope on the weekends and im useless and im letting myself and my family down. Yup, blah blah blah... all the usual self-pitying thoughts and negative feelings that anorexia likes to shove my way to get me feeling like shit again.

So... thanks? umm. 

NOT.

I hate how quickly the ED side of my brain can get a hold on my rationality. i hate that i LISTEN to this shit instead of listening to my functional brain, the side that tells me that i do need to eat my mealplan and that i am trying to gain weight, therefore doing unnecessary activity to placate the disordered side of my brain is futile.... not only is it futile, but it makes stuff HARDER. cos the more i give in to that shit, the harder it is to actually NOT give into it, cos it becomes this big scary monster that i am to scared to go against in case something bad happens. but do i listen?? GOD no, i prefer to listen to those warped ideals of a stupid disorder that makes no sense, yet still has a ridiculous hold on me cos it drives my fears and anxieties. Why do i listen? GOD KNOWS, cos it never did me any good before and its only ever been a big old bitch... sucking me into this sorry state of affairs that i find myself in. A lonely place, that i do not want to be stuck in anymore.

so, in case you havent noticed, ill put this out as a warning:  this is ur 'official' 

RANT ALERT!!!!!

OK so yesterday was a weird one, i felt super weak and sicky and wobbly and just off. i dunno, i shud have taken that as a sign to seriously chill my boots. But i hate being fussed over, so i dragged myself out to meet the boy for a chilled coffee and papers mooch. which was good... i didnt walk much yesterday and there was no way i was able to do my usual stretches in the morning. So activity-wise, it was a step in the right direction. but anorexia being a sneaky pain in the ass, it made me feel bad about that non-activity BUT it was consoled by the fact that i was feeling rough and therefore not very hungry. MISTAKE. what i shud have done was eat through the roughness, cos otherwise of COURSE the ED takes control and it becomes hard to eat more again.... right?

SPOT bloody ON :-(

Even tho i genuinely tried to catch up yesterday, i didnt make anywhere near my MP. i had a bigger dinner and that to try, but it was half-arsed and ill admit that. So today, when i woke up feeling much more alive and fresh... i thought, well this will be good! i can tackle things today... was it that easy? was it hell.

I went out with the mumster to take the dog for her morning peewalk. I am trying very hard to acclimatise myself with the moderate walking pace of normal people. My speed-walking got way out of hand, to the point where i actually became frustrated if i couldnt go fast. Case in point...

There are people in my way? ill push past em. 

Im walking with someone?  i literally drag them along to speed them up! 

It wasnt cool... So the aim of the game at the moment is to try and get that under control. I think i am doing semi-ok at it. It helps that ive finally got someone to talk to about it, i am having weekly sessions with one of the pschologists at the unit, but my GOD is it a bigger kettle of fish than i thought. Cos when i dont exercise, i feel bad. but not only do i feel bad, but apparently i cant manage to eat my full MP either. Go figure....

yesterday i rationalised the fact that i needed to rest cos clearly my body was having a mini-meltdown. I had a relaxed day and that was ok. But today i had my energy back, so resting was not "healthy" in my ED's eyes. Uh-oh... this is not gonna be easy!

I walked in the morning, so i felt okaaaay. i mean it wasnt MY idea of walking. but i know im supposed to be cutting back, so it was better than nothing! I did do my stretches, i felt like i had energy to go and at least they are better than going out walking for longer... Then breakfast with the mumatron and a trip into town. I knew i had to keep occupied otherwise id start thinking about going for a more "structured" walk. so it was a stroll into town and general pottering. But then mum wanted some lunch and i wasnt hungry having just had my snack. Hmmmm. we went into a pub and she ordered a "shring platter" thing. but it wasnt the kindof thing i liked... flatbread with an asparagus dip thingy. So i had a diet coke. Not great.

She wasnt too happy about this. and she was even more unhappy when after finishing her shopping, i hadnt had any lunch and it was coming up for tea-time. I felt bad cos i knew id let her down. but then again, i knew that only a few weekends ago, i wouldnt have had a decent breakfast, definitly wouldnt have had lunch and would have also fitted in a good hour or more power-hike with the dog. So in terms of difference.... it wasnt the end of the world. But yes, i felt bad. I know she didnt know what i was like before, but seeing how disappointed she was, it made me feel so sad... i tried to explain that i cant always manage to keep a handle on things. I know i have a lot of work to do and quite a way to go before i can get better, but it just makes me so sad to see how my disorder affects those i care about :-(

So tea-time and im back on track. I had my full amount, no scrimping like i have been doing occasionally (even in the unit, theyve been letting me have lesser calorie cereal bars... i even had to ask for them on two occasions! which does not help my feelings that i dont need the extra food or that i am not really that sick) But even tho i knew i hadnt had enough to eat and that i must have that, i felt SOOO bad about it. Its like "what the hell???" i have this same snack and MORE every day normally, why the stress now??? but it was hard. i didnt want to have it. i dont want to have a big dinner even tho i know i must... the ED is strong right now and i must pull my rational brain out and be stronger, i must outwit it and ignore its lies. i need to eat and i need to fight through this. I wont always be able to rely on the unit to "get me back on track"... I need to be able to hold it together when and wherever it strikes. 

This evening is gonna be hard work...

screw that

 Tomorrow is gonna be hard work!!

Im getting weighed again on tuesday when i go back to the unit, the anorexia knows that i gained weight last week and wants me to have lost or maintained on tues. I know that the unexplained gain has had a effect on me... i am scared. but fucking up and slipping back into controlling routines will not help matters. I want to do everything my team tell me to do, that way when i DO gain weight, it will be justified... But that plan backfired and i feel like ive messed it all up again. i want to start afresh but i cant, i dont have time... Im scared that i will have gained and then that will make me even more confused about why ive gained, if ive been such a train-wreck this weekend. Im scared to get back on track and im scared not to....

Im stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. The only thing i can do, is keep trying. It wont be a "fresh" start. but when is it ever? at least its not giving up...

I wont ever give up