oh, im downsome people.
I love this weatherm its so nice and warm... but its like a vicous reminder to me that im not where i want to be in recovery. Altho i want nothing more than to change and get better. i cant stand the fact that i have such a mental barrier stopping me reaching my goals. I want to gain weight, i want to be happy and i want to stop giving in to these stupid STUPID behaviours that keep me from allowing myself that happiness.
My psychologist said today that it seems like i always have to compensate one thing for another. like i cant just accept that i DESERVE something, it needs to be balanced out somewhere else with some form of chore, punishment or un-enjoyment. But why do i punish myself? I dont think im a nasty person. i know im not mean or horrible or anything BAD so i certainly dont deserve to be punished. But i feel like my body is broken and un-fixable and therefore i cant have nice things.... does that make any sense??
We went for a walk/talk for my session today. to try and normalise walking without a focus. So im not always power-walking without thinking. im trying to be more mindful. more in the moment. less zoned out when i walk. my GOD its hard. i can do it with other people, walk at their pace... but on my own its another story.
Anyways. seeing all the people out and about, enjoying the weather and wearing nice summery clothes, it just makes me feel so depressed that i am STILL in this same situation. i swore to myself last year that i wouldnt spend another summer hiding behind my anorexia. i swore id gain weight and DO this... and i havent. i havent bloody done it AGAIN and its almost too late :-(
its been freakin YEARS since i wore a strappy top without hiding my arms, or went out in shorts or clothes that didnt hang off me.... i just wanna be a normal size again!!!!
but its not too late, right? its never too late. Its only may. i still have time to get this summer back on track for me. i just have to let go of everything ive stuck to for the past 6years.
how hard can that be????
hmm.
this could prove tricky
Hello my dear!! :)
ReplyDeleteI've had the same where my mum has used my anorexia as an excuse.. haha. Like i was going to have a meeting with my doctor, and it was jsut between me, my doctor and case manager, like my mum didnt need to be there. But because my mum had some plans which she didnt want to do that day (or soemthing like that?) she got me to get a note from the doctor like saying that i had had a meeting with them... haha? i dont know?
Even now wen im healthy, she sometimes brings up my anorexia just to get cross? ...
Its hard.. its like, that was my past?!
Dont get angry at yourself, recovery isnt easy. It takes time, and why not think, well in Winter. In Winter i'll be healthy, or by summer 2013.. then ill be healthy and normal weight. Wear summer clothes and feel good in my body. Why not set that as a goal.
And you do deserve good things.. you're not a bad person.
Try your best, go against the voice in your head.
Activity and exercise.. its a balance. I know how easy it is to become obsessed with exercise, and its hard to get rid of.. its harder to 'normalise' your activity then start eating.
Because once you start eating healthy, then you definitely can not, cut odwn on exercise.. or thats what Ana says.. but you know what, you can have a healthy activity level and eat.. you wont become fat/lazy because of it..
Once you're healthy, both mind & body, then maybe you can pick up a sport or go for powerwalks, without it being a 'have to' or a calorie burning thing.. i mean, dont you want to find the good thing about xercsing, find it fun.. not just a chore?
I wish you lots of luck, and hope things get better for you, they seem to be going bad, or your having it tough at the moment.
Keep strong. Your beautiful and you deserve a good life, keep reminding yourself that
x
You have blue skies and I have grey!
ReplyDeleteFirstly, it's not too late. No chance. I dilly dallied in recovery for a couple of months but REALLY went for it in about February? That's 3-4 months of proper eating and the weight has gone up and up and up. It IS possible.
Could you get your Mum to hold you accountable on the walking for a day? Maybe pick a day where you will not walk, stay at home and bake or something, watch DVD's, just relax. You don't NEED to move 24/7 and if you have company it might be easier.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be better by Summer, it's not as easy as that. It is possible to gain weight by Summer definitely, but it's not the be all and end all. You will be healthy for the rest of your life not just Summer 2012! How great will it be to not be freeeeeezing cold and blue in Winter? Ace.
You're on the right track Clemmy, keep going :)