home sweet home!

My lordy... WHAT a weekend!!!

Apologies for the typo's on the last post... i looked thru it just now and i was like "whaaaa?!" i can hardly make out what i was saying in half of it :-p

STILL, the jist of it was there. i did well throughout the week and friday night was good too. but come saturday the real test of my strength came...

Basically, when i woke up i was fine. I was sharing the bed with the mumatron (she snores) while the cuz was asleep on the camp bed. So i woke up early and lay there enjoying the morning light, but then my anxiety kicked in. i wanted to do my stretches, i cant do my stretches, i am lazy for not stretching... BAM BAM BAM. urgh. i had already told myself that i would NOT be stretching this weekend, i didnt need to... id done 3x that week anyways and that was more than i shud be considering i lost weight in the unit that week. but no, my brain doesnt like that information.... so it made me feel like shit anyways. GAH!

Well, i didnt stretch (i couldnt, i told the mumatron to keep tabs on me... thank god!) but i did get up and take the dog round the block with her. which eased my mind and we had a little chat about the night before and she made me feel proud of how i did and stuf, so after that little pep talk i was then ready to face breakfast :-)

The rest of the day went pretty well, we organised when we would have snacks and things so we could all do it together and so after breakfast mum had some clients round and me and the cuz took the dog to the skankiest park ever!! it was a proper crack den, but then it also, weirdly, had all these kids activity things... cool kids that we are, we bypassed the swings and instead rocked the zipwire!

the cuz zip-racing with the dog

elegant and lady-like as always :-p

After that we went out to spitalfields market and pottered round the shops, we thought about heading to the white cube gallery (mumsicle has a thing for gilbert and george) but it was hella far, so instead we looked round potential dinner spots and then went to grab some lunch.

Being that we all have differing tastes, the cuz wanted something hotdog shaped (that boy can EAT... he'd already had a full on brekkie, snacks, chicken wrap, chips amongst various other treats...!) And mum wanted something from this fancy cheese shop place, whereas i was hankering for some pret a manger action. SOoo we all decided to get our own and meet back before eating together in the flat. DONE. i was feeling abit edgy at this point cos i wanted to make sure i was getting enough, but i didnt really know the right thing to have since id been having hot lunches all week and so i was a little tense. mum said it was fine tho. but i knew i hadnt really had enough for my morning snack, so i was worried :-s

Anyways, afternoon was chilled... bit of shopping, but of tv time and then things started to go downhill... we decided to go to wagamamas for dinner, and since i knew this meant a big old meal and i was still quite full from our lunch, i skimped on snacks and just had elderflower cordial instead. yes it has cals in it... but its not eating. and my MP technically has drinks WITH snacks anyways. so not good.... We went to wagamamas and i ordered the saien soba, fried tofu with noodles. i was hoping it wud be similar to this dish i had at the noodle bar in my town, but i was wrong. it was more or less the same dish, but this one was WAAAAY greasy. nasty fried, greasy tofu with flavourless noodles and a lot of nasty fatty taste. i was NOT happy. my ED was sceaming blue murder and by the time we walked home i was not in a good place. What didnt help was that when we got in, my sister was already home... another shock and she was just having a bowl of cereal for her dinner. EEK!!! i know i mustnt compare, but its still very hard with her...

some of the local graffiti...

i felt abit like this... held up and not quite able to wriggle free!

Anyways, i had a meltdown. not cos of that, but just everything ive been pushing at thru the week and all the scary stuff i was doing this weekend and just urgh everything!!! it all boiled up and i cracked. i had to ask mum to come and chat to me in the other room, which helped abit, but i was in a bad place. i went out with her and the dog for some fresh air and felt abit better. but i knew it wasnt going to pass that easy. i had some pudding and went to bed....

Next morning and no respite. i was even MORE anxious about not having stretched and when i went out with the mumster and the dog, it was clear that a quick walk round the block was not gonna cut the mustard this time. i needed some space. i was snapping at mum and i was confused and distracted and moody and just plain horrible to be with. so when we got back i decided i had to get out properly. put my coat back on, took the dog and left....

I didnt know what to expect. i wasnt sure if i was gonna walk walk walk. or if i just wanted to curl up and cry... but i went back to the park, which thankfully was completely empty and quiet (it was 8am on a sunday after all!) i walked about abit, sat on the swings, then decided maybe i needed to be around people just not MY people. So i walked up brick lane where all the market stalls were setting up, hustling and bustling and i felt better... i felt like i was still ok, still alive, still human...

When i felt that my anxiety had levelled, i went back to the flat. had a shower and then we all had breakfast... it was hard, but i did it. i was ok. i had to be, today was my family non-birthday birthday!

Sadly it wasnt quite as i would have liked... it was fun and all! we went to columbia road for the infamous fower market. and it was so nice to walk amongst the crowds and almost get lost... sucked in... by the masses of people milling about. but i wasnt with it. i felt abit zombied and out of body. i didnt enjoy the moment as i know i would have done normally. we went to a cafe and had some coffee and snacks. i had a fruit smoothie which was nice, then after some shopping, we put the cuz on the train home and headed to this little spanish tapas restaurant for lunch with my dad.

some of the beautiful flowers...

tulips are my fave

This cheered me up actually! cos the staff were SO nice and friendly and they let us take the dog in with us and everyone was chatty and happy and ohmygod the food was DEELISH!!! we had grilled garlic prawns, mussels in an amazing sauce, bbq'd sardines and loads of other little dishes... it was so good and i just enjoyed the fact that i was eating. had to eat. COULD eat.

i felt very much relieved. after this me and mum headed back to the van and drove home... the whole way back i was thinking, WHY do i get myself so worked up about this stuff. its not like the world will end. i need to stop panicking and relax.... my motivation was back :-)

Now altho im feeling better now, im back in my own head and feeling capable again. its very hard to see how much this can affect how i feel, but i see it for what it is... the ED trying to lure me back. bastard that it is! well ill have you know that despite being full to pop, i had dinner when i got home and i was glad that i did, cos i enjoyed it... it was nice to have something i cooked after eating ready meals at the unit all week and then eating out at restaurants every meal over the weekend. Now its monday and the boy is here, we've had a day of running around getting permits for my car and picking up stuff for mum aswell as helping her move the last of her stock out of her old shop. busy busy!!! now we've had some tea and about to cook some roast chicken for dinner.... back on track :-)

Tomo is my birthday and this year i want it to be a positive thing. My non-birthday birthday yesterday was abit shambolic, but turned itself good in the end. i want tomo to be good all the way through... im not gonna be bummed if it isnt, cos thatd be silly! but im gonna suck up my strength and be happy, whatever the day throws at me!

Hope you all had a magical weekend and hang in to see where this week takes me, its back to the unit next week and ive gotta prove that i can do this... if ive lost weight again, its doubtful that ill be able to just do the short unit stint ive been allowed, i might have to be signed off work and stay in treatment, which would be killer. i LOVE the summer term at school, its the best term of the year!!! plus time is ticking and after this term the lure of summer holidays beckons, i dont wanna miss out on all the fun summer brings for another year running...

this year its time to take back whats rightfully mine

:-)