munch bunch...

Afternoon Spoons!

its only monday and i am beat. today has been mad busy! good but busy... i feel like ive achieved the equivalent of climbing MOUNTAINS today! i think cos i found the weekend hard, i was so close... i so almost met my MP that today i was like "gotta do it, GOTTA make it" i know i can do it in the unit, but i want to be able to do it myself :-p

SO, i went into the unit in the morning as usual, got weighed (i was exactly the same, like on the button! gah!!) which showed me that i still need to work harder and reminded me that i DO need my full mealplan, regardless of whether im hungry for it or now... So, like a good girl, i had my mammoth breakfast. and can i just say, bam... i cleared all the cereal and SO almost finished the two pieces of toast, first one went down ok, then i started to get very full and by the time i was about 1/2 way through the second piece and struggling, i noticed that we were properly out of time and everyone was waiting for gubbins here who had crumbs and honey smeared all over my face. HAHA! this girls got class, dontcha know... so as they told us to go into the post-meal reflection room, i grabbed another bite and called time. So close, but i was fully beat by that last bit... on friday i couldnt manage it, today i did better, but tomo i will conquer it. it's like my everest!!! 

After this i sat in group for abit before i chipped off to get my lift upto the hospital for my bloodtests... i thought id have to wait for ages but the new walk-in centre place at the hospital is super-fast so i was in and out in about 20mins. result!!! so after that, off we drove to the next hospital visit, for my bone scan. We had to go to the hospital in the bigger town about 30mins away. It was pouring when we got there, but since we were early we decided we had plenty of time to park up and go into the centre to do abit of shopping (hello h&m!! i got a new checked shirt... man am i addicted or what, i have like 1000 now!) before looking for somewhere to get lunch. I knew i had to try really hard to stick to my MP today, after the struggles over the weekend. i just kept telling myself that this was what id have to be having on the unit, so i had to have the same as i would be. that cant be too hard right?!?! hmm.. 

As it happens, i was rocking it so far, i had my BIG granola bar morning snack, when i could have restricted... and so i was determined to nail the lunchtime thing. i knew that if i were in the unit, id be having rank gammon with pineapple, so i was not gonna pass up the chance to improve on that! So with the knowledge that i had to have a decent lunch, we went and got tasty baguettes instead. WOOOOO! i was hella scared, cos these baguettes were about the size of my arm! and scary cos i know they are something i really like, but never allow myself to have... so it was a tough decision and i literally had to hold on to the mumatron cos i was shaking! but i DID IT! and i am soo proud of myself for it :-)

this is what it felt like to me!!!

Fast forwards past the weird scanny-majiggy and all the little models of bones and what they look like inside (too creepy) and homeward bound to my NEXT appt! doctors to discuss my options for "what happens next"... Basically my therapist wants me to stay, my mum wants me to stay, alot of people think i shud stay. and okaaaay, i kindof think it woud help to stay! BUT i dont think i can face doing it full-time like i am now, i cant stand half the groups and i DO want to try and transition back into the community so that i can get back to work cos MAN am i itching to get back!!! So, compromise?!?! My doctor says he is happy to sign me off fully if i want to stay on the unit for another month or so full-time. but if i prefer, he will sign me off on a "phased" return to work, as in... i am fit to work, but only on a part-time basis with alloted time off to continue "ongoing treatment and therapy". WOOPWOOP!!! i think this is the idea i am happiest with :-) i genuinely want to get back to work, but i also want to make sure that i am getting support and continuing to get healthy, cos this IS my main priority... so im thinking, mon/weds/fri at work and then tues/thurs on the unit. it means that i will always have a day either side in case i am struggling. plus i will have the accountability of being in twice weekly, my weigh-ins will show if im not doing what i have to do, so i know i have to show that i can do it, or i will sign myself straight back in... but i want to give it a try, otherwise i will probably go MAD in there!!! and anyways, i dont want to rely on it and get too "safe". i need to keep pushing myself, otherwise i will get complacent. i will get used to relying on others to make me eat and i want to be strong enough to do it myself, that way i can start to get on with my life and move past this :-)

SOOOO, that leads me to now! and i have just eaten my afternoon snack (despite being super-freaked out and anorexia screaming, why why whhhhyyyyy!!!) a big juicy apple and sultana flapjack. HAHA! its still very hard and i dont deny that i have given in at times, over the weekend when i wasnt hungry or when i had that unknown muffin and then felt like i didnt want as much for dinner :-( but despite this, i know that my successes are rapidly outweighing my downfalls... i wont be disheartened if i slip up, cos i just pick myself up and do better next time. i wont beat myself up about it, i will just do my hardest to get things back upto speed asap. Im fighting hard.

But saying this, there is one thing i STILL have to get to grips with, and thats the walking. cos damn it, its still so hard not to feel the need to do it. and the stretching. urgh, i cant help myself. i find it so hard to convince myself that my body will gain weight without getting fat. i dont see it as a gradual process... i see it as a size 6 to sudden size 12 ballon-age. i cant quite get my head round the fact that my body WILL redistribute those extra pounds around my body instead of just dumping them in a load of jiggle on my bod. i guess i still have alot of work to do eh?! i just wish i could get some kindof help to get me over these fears and thoughts. i really want to feel like i deserve to sit and relax... and sad as it is, when i was lying on the bone density scanner bed this afternoon, i was like "ahhh, i can lie down". i mean how messed up is it that? the only time i feel im allowed to lie down and relax during the day is when im lying in a hospital bed??? 

I mean seriously,

sometimes i really hate my messed up brain.....