birthday build up blues

Hello pickleheads,

Im back! and this time another year older and (ahem) wiser?!

Well. older at least.... :-p

what? who doesnt start the day with a birthday melon!?!

Im not really sure what to say about my bday. It was a strange one to say the least. Im abit of a geek, in that i really am a massive fan of birthdays, they can be mine... other peoples... pretty much anyones really! but especially mine! However, this is somewhat of a burden, cos i tend to put alot of pressure on myself (and probably others) to have this "amazing" day. I build it up so much in anticipation, that when the day actually comes, im tired, stressed and anxious. I always try to make it count. like, i feel that cos i wont get this one day for another year, i have to squeeze the best out of it.... which is dumb, cos i end up burning out and not wanting to do anything.

Like yesterday.

my poor baby.... those candle wounds are lethal!

The birthday vibes actually started off reasonably well, the boy came round yesterday and me, him and the mumatron were busy loading and packing up the remains of her shop... we had a nice picnic lunch sitting on the floor with no chairs, it was fun! i felt good about eating and i was ok... positive steps! We decided that in the evening we would have a nice meal. but after all the rich restaurant food ive been having over the past weekend, i wasnt feeling for anything too fancy. Mum decided she full-on wanted to make a roast chicken. which was fine, but i was like... well ill have something with you guys, but not that. I felt bad, but i just was. not. vibeing. the chook! I wasnt sure what i wanted but wasnt stressed, cos usually it comes to me when i think about cooking... but i think cos i missed my pm snack, i started to get edgy. When mum put the chicken in first (it needs an hour or so to cook) it started to panic me. usually i get all my cooking done first and the fact that i could smell the chicken cooking really grossed me out. i started to feel really queasy (which meat cooking smells often do to me) and i had a little freakout about not knowing what to eat and the smell overwhelming me and stuff.... it was abit dramatic! but at the time, i was scared. luckily the boy calmed me down and i decided to make some quorn sausages, but i was already feeling bad for not eating with them and not having my proper afternoon snack. i just have alot weighing on my mind with this recovery and feeling like im doing things "right" and it stresses me out alot :-s

Anyways, the evening was ok after that. nice meal round the table (me and the mumster are lazy dinner-by-the-tv victims most nights!) so this was nice and we chatted and laughed and i went to bed that night feeling lucky that my mum and my boy get on and i have such special people in my life :-)

Next morning i woke up to the sound of doors opening&closing, voices, people, movement and general hustle and bustle. Not the lazy lie-in id have liked!!! But thats the way things go round our place, its like a train station... people here, there and everywhere.

So the electrician came to fix the dodgy lights, the cleaner was about and gossiping with mum who was having 50million phone calls to deal with as per usual. Then the mechanic people came to pick up her van and she had to go and get a replacement car and it was all chaos! i didnt really want to come down and do the whole "happy birthday to yoooou" thing with all of them around, so we waited in bed for a while! Eventually i had to come down tho and altho it was lovely, mum was already distratced... she had to rush the breakfast cos she needed to get to work and stuff and i just felt abit like other stuff needed to be done. I knew this was the way it was gonna be and i told her not to worry, but it still made me abit anxious cos i had to rush breakfast and presents and so i ended up not having my toast with breakfast (which i did SO well having the day before. boooo)

On the upside i got some really cool pressies!!! the boy is such a gem, he knows me so well! he doesnt have alot of dollars to spend right now, so he made me this massive pinata of Bono from U2's head (i hate him with a passion) cos he knew id get great pleasure bashing the head in until sweets fell out!!!

my amazeballs BONO pinata!

then he got me a reef poster, SIGNED and PERSONALISED by the band cos they were recording in the same studio as them last week. OHEMfreakingGEE!!!! i was soooo excited... check me with my boyfriend in a band getting some of my favourite musicians to write me bday messages. WOOPWOOP for boys in bands!!! :-)

I also got some lovely bits and bobs from the mama, but she really finds it hard to buy for me, bless her! so some of the stuff was abit "uhhm, whaaaats this?!" but ive told her before, i love that she tries but its best that she just takes me shopping instead :-p We did have plans to go to westfield, but i dont wanna go until ive put some decent weight on, its pointless otherwise!

Anyways, after the present opening, mum scooted off and me and the boy took a nice stroll into town with the dog. But by this time, i was already feeling abit spaced-out and weird. which sucks BIG bananas. i hate it when i get like this... i just go into my head and everything is grey and i get all quiet and abit moody. I cant help it sometimes and its not a fun place to be, especially on your bday. but sometimes, when it happens, the best thing for me is to be alone, listening to some music or something and getting things straight in my mind again. Now i know this isnt clever, but when i get into this state, im no good to myself... and the ED loves this. I didnt help my situation today by not having lunch and then abandoning the boy to be by myself. I just didnt know what to do, i needed out.

I walked home in a sombre mood and then went to the supermarket with mum. no joy there either... she wanted me to get something nice for dinner or a cake to celebrate, but i just felt no joy at all. like i didnt WANT it to be my bday anymore.... i just wanted to curl up and sleep. So poor her, she went through the motions, "whats wrong, can i do anything, shall we talk" but i wasnt in the right space for it. I came back and decided to hole up in my room for a while and listen to gloomy music... i swear it works!!!!

And it did. i got some work done, i read some blogs and felt abit better. i made plans for the next day which i was excited for and i knew would take my mind off being a grumblehead. JOB DONE!! So here i am, getting ready for a nice day spent hanging out with one of my fave girlys and then onto the cinema with two of my boys before meeting up with the rest of the gang for drinks in the eve. PERFECTION if i say so myself :-)

I hope today will be the cure for yesterdays hiccup. i intend on having FULL meals AND snacks today. i can see the nasty effect restriction has on my moods and what good can i gain from carrying that cycle on? none... and all that will happen is that ill lose weight and be in trouble when i go back to the unit next week, or gain weight and panic even more that ive gained weight when i havent been eating as much. wither way, the best method is to get my head back in the recovery game and stick with my MP.

Simples... right?!

lets hope so!

xx