Well here i am again, its getting to be quite the evening routine, my little bloggy update! I wonder how well ill fare when i head back to work and have a GAZILLION things to do?! hmm, guessing not so good! but hey, thats a whole WEEK away, so fret not readers... you still have time to marvel at my ability to spout illegible nonsense all over the page :-p
Now if that little deluge didnt set you running for the hills, ill continue with what has been another GAH day... its not been all bad tho. i like thursdays, i like the nutriony stuff and i was excited to speak with my therapist after he's been away for two weeks....
Ah, i started the day with such optimism!
gotta find that healthy "in-between"...
Sadly, i knew that my careworker was back in today (shes been away since fri) So first things first, she calls us in for weigh in. Im up!! not entirely surprised by that, but it was only again by a smidge... not the huge amount that i predicted having been eating much more. oh well, a gains a gain right?! its going consistently in the right direction and im not being freaked out by a massive scale-leap.... what i AM getting increasingly frustrated at tho, is the way the staff are treating me. i mean, its starting to feel a little bit personal. They are all nicey nicey when they want to be, but the little digs just keep coming. And it all feels a teeeensy bit unprofessional, im a teacher... i know you have to be careful of your status as a responsible and impressionable professional (alot of -al's there!) so when i see people being a bit "nit-picky" and letting their personal feelings come into it, i find it a touch irresponsible. they shud be impartial to the MAX, they cannot afford to show any signs of inequality between patients and i feel that that is being neglected.... along with their so called "consistency".
why did i become the "red" ball??
First instance. my careworker (who i now can safely say, i do NOT get on with and is really not nice to be around...) as soon as she's taken my weight, starts nagging me about the cereal bar issue that went down the day before. IM sorry... did i not get enough grief about that yesterday?!?! oh no, dish out some more, please. Hmphf. i tell myself, its just cos she missed the big showdown and she wants some of the fun for herself.... MOVING ON.
here was my day:
breakfast was fine, same old...
next up, nutrition appts and i am last on the list... i decide to go for a walk since its not pissing with rain. I know i probs shouldnt bearing in mind that i am still not great at trying to be less active and my need to walk as a coping mechanism or just as a way to fill time is still a big issue for me. I get back and the appts have over-run as usual so i go in for snack and am told i will have my appt in our post snack break-time instead.
The actual appt went ok, altho AGAIN i feel like they twist everything i say or do to make it seem like i am not trying, that i must be cheating in some way because my weight hasnt gone up loads or that i am some big diva cos i cant have dairy etc... seriously, its not like its my fault! its not like i dont eat the food they DO give me. what can i do to make them happy?!? it seems like whatever i do, it pisses SOMEONE off :-(
So up goes the MP, im not surprised... in fact im glad, cos i WANT to be able to eat more! and the more i get used to having lots now, the more likely it is to stick when i get out.... but i did get another lecture on the walking. BIGTIME guilt sesh. and plus my careworker was sitting in so she kept chiming in which made me want to SCREAM! she doesnt have a clue, she's not trained as a psychologist and she really just says the most unhelpful and inappropriate things... considering shes supposed to be caring and supporting me?! dont make me laugh...she makes me feel ten times worse!!
I know this sounds like im just picking on her and blaming her, but i really cant stress how unhelpful she is. to everyone! she started asking about this girls family situation and how social services are getting involved at the DINNERTABLE!!! i mean why bring that up at all, but when she was trying to deal with the panic of eating too. TOTES insensitive :-s
Anyways, my new MP started as of today... for some reason, they decided to make mine go from lunch today, but nobody elses?? Theirs starts tomo. Umm, whats that all about?! again with the inconsistency... i just feel like im being picked on at the moment, maybe its cos im not a doormat and i actually voice my opinions (which i guess is scary to them, uproar and all that!) or maybe its cos im getting on with things and not whining about not being able to finish even the tiniest morsel of food, so they dont think i need care and support? who knows.... all i CAN say, is that i feel very singled out and thats not fair.
Still, only next week to go and then im outta here... which leads nicely onto my last (promise!) rant. CUE my therapist appt this afternoon. After my very large lunch! i knew that the whole "you must not walk, we are watching you, yada yada yada" speech. i decided to grab one of the board games and rally the troops in to play with me! we had a niec little game of scrabble going with people drifting in and out of their appts as we played. it was fun! and i didnt feel (too) bad for not walking, it was raining after all... :-p
My appt came and in i went (again with the dreaded care-worker...) i just wanna shout NAFF OFF woman!!! but i hold my tongue. there are bigger issues at hand, namely my 4 week assessment next week and what im going to do post-unit.
Well, i think its fair to say i was NOT expecting what came next! Again, i had the gripes about weight and walking and food and all that. (its getting pretty standard now) but then when i asked him if he had talked to the head of the unit about the possibility of me having some more intensive one-on-one sessions with her, which she had offered to everyone on the unit... well, he basically said flat out "NO". i know he is my therapist, but we werent exactly getting anywhere with my progress as an outpatient, it had got to the point where we agreed discharge from the service cos i wasnt getting anything out of the sessions. Well shoot me for wanting to try another avenue! i thought that this woman "got" me. i met with her on tues and it seemed positive... she was clear and concise and i like that, thats what i respond to! But nope, therapist says not an option. and then he dropped the clanger. he said that "he" didnt think i was "ready" to leave the unit. that my weight hasnt gone up "enough" despite me know doubling (if not more) my intake.... what the?!?! i was like, umm. i dont think i could actually cope being in here longer, the groups arent really helpful, im much firther on in recovery than the others and the main reason im here is primarily to make sure i get enough food. what i acually NEED is intensive one-on-one, to address the issues behind why i cant relax and let myself be less active and help me find ways of challenging that behaviour. Oh no... and to top it off, he throws an ultimatum into the mix
Stay here longer, or go it alone....
no outpatient support, no help, no care. oh no, thats a luxury i apparently dont deserve.
BASTARDS!!!!!!
All this, JUST as ive upped my MP, im stressing about the weekend and im home alone cos the mumatron has gone upto london. Great.
Well, im not gonna let them win, and im certainly not gonna give the anorexic thoughts a chance to squeeze their way back into my head. Im so full of food right now i feel like i could pop, but i WILL have my dinner and i will get through tomorrow.
Its half day friday and then i am going to the boy's gig in town in the evening... At the moment all i wanna do is call-off, bail out and sit at home in safety. but that wouldnt be achieveing anything, so i WILL go, i will have fun and support him and if its hard, well then that means im challenging myself instead of taking the easy way out, which is good! I still have to figure out if i can get upto london to stay with my mum and sis on sat tho, its the london marathon, so its gonna be kindof crazy up there. but then again, i dont want to risk sitting at home and slipping back into old routines... im not quite strong enough at the moment. i think i might need some support and accountability, at least if im in london i can keep busy and try and meet a friend or something to occupy me. it helped me so much last weekend.... i need to focus on that and stay with it.
So there you go... a busy day! i hope the wordyness of this post didnt bore you to death...! it feels like i have alot to say at the mo. i guess recovery does that to you!! lots of thoughts, lots of emotions... well at least im FEELING, right? i just want to wake up from this anorexic slumber ive been in for so long. i want to arise from the ashes like a pheonix, i want to fly out of my cocoon like a butterfly. i want to be ALL those cheesy metaphors for new beginings and new life that i can possibly be!!!! Hahaha, go on... chuck some at me, ill have abit of all of 'em!
Tomo is a new day and i will not let the weeks events affect that. im always ready to wake up and start fresh. there no point in dwelling on the past...
especially since its the future that counts
:-)
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