Its thurrrrrrsday!! i like thursdays....
Ive had a good (ish) day today. HA, i always start off saying it was good and then im like "oh, wait... there was that one thing...." i never seem to have one straight "good" or "bad" day, there always seems to be little bits of both muddled together into a random up and down day :-p
But I think thursdays are good cos they are a productive day, i feel like we get our asses kicked in our nutrition appts (where i mostly feel like poo) then we have the nutrition group where i always learn a ton and walk out going "ahaaaa, that makes sense" and then by the end of the day im like WOOP half day tomo and its all golden!
So yeah. thats me done... bye then.
Hahahahahaha i kid. as if i could write such a short post without all the usual waffle, it just wouldn't be me!
This mornings ass-kicking nutrition appt was a proper blinder. I was kindof disappointed to find that my weight had dropped abit since mondays weigh-in. i mean, WHAAAAA? i have eaten everything they've given me (even the dreaded cottage pie!) and i have really tried to cut back my walking, not going out during the breaks in the unit and only walking in and home.... but i guess its still too much. my idea of what is normal is very much removed from reality and we went through this in one of the groups on tues. now im not stupid, i KNOW that im still doing too much, but its no more than i was doing before and im eating so much more now... so im confused! i guess maybe now that im eating more, my body is adapting and my metabolism is catching up? what do you think?? anyone have experience of this?! i dunnoooo. either way. they were pissed at me and again made me feel like im cheating and trying to fool them. which im really NOT! i have told them totally upfront that i struggle with walking and am trying to sort it out, but i cant do it alone. its not as easy as just "stopping".....
Anyways. obviously my MP's been upped again and ive been told that if i dont get the walking in check and start gaining some decent weight, then im out.
i guess thats me told!!!
On the upside, i got to talk with one of the young female pyschologists today. She is a care-worker to one of the other patients and when they had a catch up in the sitting room this morning, i heard some of their chat and it was SO much more helpful and supportive than the chats with MY crappy care-worker! Soooo, i asked her if i cud maybe have a chat with her at some point in the day, which we did and it was SO nice to talk to someone who is actually willing to help me!!! She said she would check with the main therapist boss-man and hopefully starting from next week, we could schedule in some intensive sessions just focusing on my health and exercise issues and how to tackle my compulsion to walk.... Yeeeeessss!!! FINALLY!!!! its a relief to think that i might finally get some support with this. i so want to get it sorted!
So walking home today, i tried to do this "mindful walking" thing we talked about. where i am walking the same route i normally would but i am doing it at a reduced pace. i am walking and thinking about keeping to a steady normal pace, NOT a power-march! i had to think about how my body felt and responded to the feel of the pace... it was hard, im not gonna lie!!! i had to stop myself from speeding up on several occasions. its difficult cos i like to "feel" that im moving, i need to have that reassurance that my body is there and i am connected to it.... But instead of going at it balls to the wall, i tried to focus more on the mental side of how i felt rather than the physical.
Now that im home i have a load of stuff to get sorted for starting back at work on monday. Im SO excited to get back!!! i know i have to take it easy tho... which im going to make sure i do. Im just pleased that i will have something to occupy my brain! I dont feel so compelled to exercise if i feel like ive been working all day, mental exhaustion is just as fulfilling! Plus i have a meeting with the head on monday morning, so we can talk over what is the best plan for my phased return to work. As much as i want to be back, i know i have to think about my health first.... Luckily they are totes supportive, saying that of course my health is priority and we can discuss what i would feel comfortable doing and then make a plan from there.... I feel like im finally making good steps towards progress and a long-term recovery. Its been a long time coming!!! Now its just a case of trying to convince my head that i DO deserve to rest and be healthy :-)
As for this weekend, i am still undecided about what to do. i know i need to be at home on sunday, so that i can start getting my head (and work!) together for monday... but i havent decided yet whether i should stay home alone again on fri & sat or go upto london to be with the mumster and my sis. Hmmm. Part of me wants to go, so i have something to do! Its always easier if i have people there to keep me accountable. But then im like, is it worth it... going up on friday afternoon and coming back on saturday eve??? Isnt that just MORE stress having to travel and stuff? i dunno. i have to speak to the mumatron and figure it out... i probs will go. Cos i might meet up with a friend and potentially have some lolz camden times :-p and it will keep me from sitting around at home being tempted to walk away the empty time....
Hope you all have a nice weekend planned, fingers crossed it doesnt just pour with rain all weekend...
any more of this and ill be building myself an ark!
:) ah i love how funny you are, and good job with the mindful walking. its probably the most enjoyable though we hardly do it. even if its not ed-driven we're just often so busy rushing off somewhere, and its so wonderful to just do something spontaneously and walk around while enjoying the trees, etc. i love that. i think the weight thing is what you said, probably a combination of things idk i mean so many factors influence what goes on in our bodies, but im sure your metab is speeding up, and if you're still doing the same amount of exercise it might just be too much. im not sure though, but don't worry. ugh i hate how its so hard for them/others to trust you, because you know you're being truthful but, ugh, i guess this thing can be so manipulative :/ but i know it will work out xoxox
ReplyDeleteI'm glad they're finally helping you with the walking! It's just a shame you have to ask so many people so many time before they get off their arse and do something about it. Oh and well done for eating their crappy food as well, the less fuss you make (regardless of how RANK the food is) the less hassle you will get.
ReplyDeleteWith the weight gain (or lack of) the exact same happened to me. I doubled my food intake, and was weighted by the Dietitian every 2 weeks where I only gain 400g each fortnight! This went on for a month or maybe more, the gain was veeeeerrrryyy slow. And then my body kicked in and the gains sped up. So - be prepared for a jump, and if it coincides with you reducing your walking it won't be just that which has sparked a gain. I don't know why it's sometimes so slow, walking will have a part to play, but don't freak if it jumps up loads - just think of it as gradual throughout the whole time you've been there. Have a good Friday!