oh lordy

Im going back into the unit tomo...

im scared.

what if ive lost weight, what will they say? will they be disappointed? angry? will i be able to persuade them that i CAN do this??

Im so ready to get back into the routine of being in there. Bring on the meals, bring on the snacks, bring on the fact that i am going to be imposing a self-made BAN on doing more than 3x a week stretching in the mornings (it has got somewhat out of control this week... one day of "well, i might as well..." turned into, "well you did it yesterday, so why arent you doing it today?" not a good result, i know)

I dont like this feeling of helplessness, i hate that i havent been able to stick to what was laid out for me last week. i feel like a failure, like a mess, like i am broken and wont ever be able to get better without someone standing over me MAKING me eat. its hard that my mum isnt/hasnt been here to help me out either. i feel like i did such a good start over that last first weekend, then it all started to slide into oblivion and now i find myself back in the same old mess....

this is clearly gonna be alot more work than i had initially thought

:-(

GAH its annoying, cos its not that i wont eat, cos i WILL!!! and i DO!!! but when faced with the choice to get away with NOT eating, especially if im not hungry or even if im just feeling competive with myself, or somethings happened and i need some control, some power... i just wont bother, i cant help myself. Oh and the being active thing is really getting on my tits, its becoming more of an issue than i first thought, i thought i COULD control it, i just preferred not to.... well thats balls. i literally cannot NOT do anything.... i find it a real mental battle to say "NO, i wont do anything today, ill chill out and sit down instead". So that is something im gonna need to figure out... and fast... I want to talk to my care worker about it tomo if i can. i dunno, i felt like i was in control of things during that first week at the unit... i was eating more and despite a few niggles, generally coping ok. but i realise that the fact that i was walking there and walking back and then sometimes walking the dog too.... it was alot and it was making me feel ok about eating. i thought nothing of it cos it was lovely weather and sunny and so i was enjoying it, but when faced with a weekend of not being able to walk when and how i want and then followed by a week of horrible rainy weather where i dont actually WANT to walk, and the ED voices get nasty. They dont think i deserve to eat if i havent done some activity to earn it. Bastard stupid arsehole anorexia. It doesnt want me to not do it, come rain or shine it wants me to earn that right to be ok with food. Its just a case of seeing sense now and making changes to shut those thoughts up... yes i enjoy walking, but only when i WANT to... i dont enjoy being felt compelled to "or else...".

SO, obvs i have to tackle this. i only have three weeks in the unit before i go back to work.... do i quit cold turkey and try and nix this addiction on the head so that i CAN bring back walking when the weather is nice and i want to....??? i need advice peoples. what do you think???

Aaaand in other news, birthday for the boy today! It was okay, but if im perfectly honest... i was very spaced out and in my own little (grumpy) world for most of it, so it cant have been much fun for him, my excitement levels were at a low and i was not in a happy, bouncy, woopwoop mood. im still feeling the effects of my slump... but i think thats to be expected what with the jumble of thoughts going on in my brain right now.

But even so, i didnt want to make it all about me and my stupid head-funk. So i did try hard to make it nice for him, and despite a slightly rocky start... i think he enjoyed it! I seriously couldnt have done it without my boy C tho... he made it through a night shift in london, only 3hrs sleep and a drive back at 8am to meet us for our surprise picnic lunch on the beach... TROOPER!!! what can i say, that boy is stellar :-p (not that he doesnt know it tho, hahaha)

Anyways, I took some piccerooo's so i will upload them when i have a min and do a proper update on that tomo along with the first day back at OP...

Hope you all had a grand old easter weekend and lets all take a

fresh, forwards step into spring!!!