trust

Today had me fuming... Now im an aries and tend to be quite fiery when things annoy me! but i dont get angry without reason (mostly. haha) But when i know someone is in the wrong, i think its only right that they should know it.

Especially when it hurts someone else.

Namely.... ME.

So yesterday was the first day back and i was all full of them positive beans and stuff :-) But i have been finding my troubles in the old digestive region are becoming a pain in the, well, stomach! I have been suffering from an upset stomach for about a week now, possibly stress-related, possible a side-effect of the richer foods ive been eating, who know... now altho its bearable, im used to feeling some discomfort pretty much whenever i eat, what i dont need is added drama from my intolerances flaring up.

The unit team know that i am allergic to dairy, it is all over my notes and my MP's so i put my trust in them to take that seriously. Which they do, for the most part! i mean, i am lucky enough that they are trying their hardest to cater for me by providing alternative options to the daily menu and i bring in my own snacks etc cos they dont have any "special" ones. thats fine... and during the first week, the housekeeper guy did try really hard to cater for me! And the nutritionist did say that when we came back this week, they would try and order more of the non-dairy suitable ready meal options for me... Which they did. But they obviously werent careful enough....

Yesterday the housekeeper was off sick, so the meals were abit haywire, random people helping out and suchlike. And as a consequence, that roast chicken dinner they gave me had a side of these very questionable looking veg. I could identify broccoli, but there was a weird white type stuff with it too... i asked the lady in the kitchen (dont know her) if it had any dairy and she snapped back no. I was concerned so i showed her the veg situation, but she again got quite short with me and said, she'd checked the labels and there was no dairy. Okaaaay.

Now i have issues with trusting food, thats the main reason im in there! I have a fear of foods making me sick again, so to allow someone else to give me my food is a big deal, but i do it cos i figure, they are professonials and this is a unit focused around EATING, so i can trust them right? WRONG.

I wasnt feeling too hot that night and i was still very dubious about that veg (which in the end, i hadnt eaten, i was not in any way convinced it was safe for me to eat and not only that, but it looked pretty damn gross!) so that evening i went on the website for the ready meal company they use and sure enough, DAIRY all over that veggies ass! the chicken and potatoes were fine, but the side was brocolli and creamed leek. hello CREAMED?!?! clue's in the name?!?! i was SOOOO pissed off when i read the ingredients, its written on it right THERE!!! milk & butter, what the f**k?! call yourselves professionals?!?

So even tho i wasnt feeling great this morn, i went in cos i had a major bone to pick! I talked to my careworker about it and she was like "oh, really?! Hmm." i was speechless, not only did they almost POISIN me (okay dramatic, but you know what i mean!) but she didnt even have anything to say about it.... i got through breakfast but in post meal reflection time, i brough it up BIGstyle and after my rant, i finally got a half-arsed apology. I was not impressed....

Not at this point i was just NOT in the mood to be there. i was feeling very untrusting of them and my head wasnt in the right place to be thinking about groups and motivation. So after morning snack (and a VERY boring "relaxation" group...) i bailed.

Yup.

I walked out.

Im not proud of that, cos im no quitter. But i really didnt feel that i was wimping out, i just knew that if i stayed i would get further and further into a slump and then be waiting for 4pm with resentment. i didnt want to end the day on a low, cos i really DO want to be there! So i cut my losses (and the afternoon pile of crap groups) and headed home.

I have to say, i felt ten times better for doing so.

Altho i did have a mental battle to not skip my lunch and snack :-s I was walking home and i was thinking about how i could get away with not having it now, but then i remembered that the only person that would suffer from that, was me.

Why deprive myself for the sake of it? who's going to pat me on the back and say "well done, you didnt have your full MP, good work!" absolutely bloody nobody (except maybe the anorexia, but who cares about them) Plus i get weighed tomo and i cant afford to lose a single breath of weight since i havent actually gained yet since being on the unit.... So i went to m&s and picked up some lunch, then went home and ate it in the garden before taking the dog for a walk. MUCH better :-) i even managed to have my doubled-in-size big snack from my upped MP which was a challenge, but i just shut my head off and thought do it for you... do it for summer and nice clothes and being fun and healthy and all that stuff you want to do in the future. Yup, cheesy! but it saw me through.

I still have dinner to get through, but already im thinking... maybe my dinners arent enough, maybe i shud talk to the dietician and ask her how i can upp it. So i can see that my head is getting back into the swing of things :-) I know i walked abit too much today, but it was no more than yesterday and i needed to clear my head in order to get back into motivational mode again. I am chipping away at the old "must-be-active" vibe, but i think right now its more important to make sure that i am getting enough calories in and eating regularly. hopefully when i start to feel comfortable doing that, the exercise urges wont be such a big deal? fingers crossed! either that or i have to quit cold turkey, but i cant see how im going to enforce that, so im still figuring that one out.

I fully intend to go in tomo with a clear head and a positive mood, thursdays are productive days. Starting with the weigh-in, then meetings with out therapist&careworker, then nutrition group and then appointments with the dietician with possible MP increases (eek!)

Who doesnt like a day with good amounts of structure and a little bit of fear!?!

Haha, if its gonna help me... i'll take it :-)