Howdy friday folks.
Alot has been going through my head today, im very much a bundle of confusion after yesterdays "take it or leave it" ultimatum and my thoughts about the unit in general are very up and down. I dont know whether its helping me or just making me more frustrated. GOD its so hard, i just dont know what to do right now :-s
Do i stay?? or do i try and go it alone?? there are benefits and negatives for both. i guess its a case of working out what will be best for me right now.... On the one hand, i AM gaining weight in the unit. I am getting more comfortable with eating alot more food (soooo stuffed today!) and im challenging myself to eat stuff i normally wouldnt. But that also has a downside in that i am having to eat some seriously RANK food... like sometimes i dream about them bringing in a pret a manger sandwich list for me to choose from for lunch instead of the nasty half cooked frozen ready meals we get slopped out everyday, or having something nice for my snack, like a bagel or a crepe or even a freaking muffin instead of the endless onslaught of cereal bar after cereal and packet of crisps on top. Its not letting me find my enjoyment from food and thats something that is a big deal for me in re-learning to savour and taste and TRY eating those foods that scare me.
I just spoke with my mum, cos im feeling very alone at the moment... We get let out at 2pm, so i went for a walk round town. but i couldnt just go straight to town... oh no. i had to walk my normal route towards home first, granted it was nice outside and i wanted to walk by the river, but then i also walked much further than if id just gone straight into town... this is what i mean, i can never just go the "direct" route. i always have to go the long way round. i cant just stroll and enjoy the feeling of walking in the sunshine... i have to be walking FAST and HARD. Which im starting to hate! If i dont "feel it", then i dont feel like im getting anything from it. I kindof like the pain :-(
So anyways, by the time i got into town i was happy that id fulfilled my "proper walking" and let myself walk more leisurely about town... that is until the skies suddenly turned from clear sunny blue to dark foreboding grey and then came the rain... it pelted it down!!! so i headed straight home... But by now i was already feeling like id screwed up, cos i dont WANT to walk like that. i mean whats the point?? i have this block in my head that makes me think that if i dont walk i will be unhealthy or something bad will happen to my body. Its so futile, cos i genuinely dont think its a real desire to lose weight, i know i like to walk after ive eaten alot cos it settles my stomach and a part of me feels better for doing something to justify it... but i dont want to BURN calories necessarily, cos i know that im eating a ton now anyways... its more to do with feeling like i'll be an unhealthy person, or my body will go wrong or something. I feel that i HAVE to do some kindof activity to be "okay". i dunno. its such a head-funk.... the biggest problem is that i know that this is a major issue but i really dont know how to NOT do it and nobody is helping me :-(
I brought this up with mum when i got home, cos i just dont see where i am supposed to get the support on this one... being in the unit is great for keeping me focused on eating and making sure i get my full MP (albeit with disgusting food!!!) but at least i AM eating it... they eliminate the "choice", i cant duck out or be indecisive like i am on my own. But they arent exactly helping me deal with the underlying pschological issues, theyre not helping me understand WHY i feel this way and how to address the balance and get my skewered thinking back on track.... this is why i cant figure out whether staying on the unit for longer would be a good or a bad thing. Ive started thinking about the pros & cons. Sooo, here are some ive come up with so far....
PROS:
- Im getting support with food and meals which i am unable to do fully by myself yet.
- My weight is monitered & my MealPlan set accordingly, so i am not guessing/trying to do it myself.
- I am kept motivated because people are there MAKING me push myself.
- Im occupied during the day (altho bored as HELL) so learning to sit through things.
- I am gaining weight steadily and not freaking out.
CONS:
- I am still walking and stretching and feeling the need to do both compulsively.
- I am having to eat foods that id rather not (and the same things, repetitively) cos they dont have enough dairy-free alternatives for me.
- I am not really getting much out of the groups and since everyone is at a different stage in recovery (and i am much further on) alot of the time i just end up sitting there doing nothing.
- I miss my job and having a life outside the unit.
- Im not getting any proper one-on-one psychological help to deal with my issues.
So there you go. Its a toughie!!! Obviously my health is priority, but i cant help but wonder if i could still continue the eating and gaining outside of the unit, going back to work which i miss soooo much and using that as a help to keep me distracted from not walking and stuff. Its just an issue of the lack of support... i cant believe they can be so cruel as to just cut me off completely if i leave. i mean how harsh is that?! Part of me thinks it would be best to stay abit longer and just get my weight up abit more before i start trying to go it alone... im not that strong yet. But if im not dealing with the issues behind my need to be active, it doesnt make much difference really... im still walking as much if not more than when im at work, and i still feel the need to do it. So whats changed?? If i could keep up the eating, then it wouldnt really be much difference. Its always been the holidays and weekends that are hard for me... when im at work, im ok. cos i have structure and routine. GAH! i dont knooooow.
Ive made an appt to see my doctor on monday, after my bone scan... man its gonna be a hospital hop to hop that day. i have to go to one hospital in the morning for my bloods and digestive issues, then another for my bone scan thingy, then back to my doctors for the appt. all in totally different locations (and different towns for the first two hospitals!!) PLUS i was thinking id try to go into the unit for my weigh in and breakfast first. haha, you cant say im not a multitasker... i told you i like to be busy! But im going to ask my doctor what my options are in terms of taking time of work. i really dont want to have to do that, but it might be the best option. I want to see if i can try and take maybe one or two days off and spend them in the unit, that way i wont feel like im just sat there wasting my time doing stupid groups that dont help me.
But thats monday and today is friday... Ive gotta admit, im abit worried about this weekend. I dont think im gonna be able to go to london and be around my mum and sis and to be honest, its probably best that i try and see how i cope with a weekend at home alone. Being away from home was a help, but its not actually facing up to being surrounded by the things that usually trigger me to lapse into old routines. Can i manage to eat my MP and not feel compelled to go walking?? Thats what i need to see, i guess this might actually help me in terms of making my mind up about my potential discharge from the unit and whether or not i AM ready.... if im not strong enough, then well... theres my answer.
in life.
in love.
in everything!
i just want to figure out who i am....
heyyy :) i feel as though i have not read this in so long, and im so sorry because i used to read your posts, i haven't been properly updated with a lot of people, so im catching up. are in in an ip sort of thing or op? i was reading the last few ones to try to figure it out. i hope you're doing okay. it sounds as though things are moving along though, and i love your attitude :) i guess, ideally, i mean if you could go out and have the same sort of feelings toward eating and gaining, etc out of a program, it would be better and you could work. but i guess the things is, maybe when we're taken out of there, sometimes it doesn't go that way? but i think it could, it takes some time. i think this way though you're sort of seeing the positives to this part of recovery, and being out of a program, eating your own yummy foods, working, seems like such a bright light, so it forces you to work hard and continue to do so once you're out. so, idk im no help ;P but, reading this makes me happy though because you're just really looking at things in such a optimistic way! i hope things get better, and that the food is not as nasty. ugh that sucks. can you bring in your snacks, as i saw you mentioned the bar mishap thing :P maybe you could challenge things that way, and choose something you'd like but are a bit afraid to, etc. but otherwise you seem to be really doing things that scare you, but still succeeding. its really inspiring :) anyway, that's all. again, im sorry i haven't read at all lately and im adding this to my roll thing so i see it on a daily basis. xoxoxox lots of love!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, my advice would be to stick with the unit.
ReplyDeleteI know the food is crappy and pretty tasteless, and you'd be dreaming of having crepes/muffins for snack but realistically - if you were on your own, outside of the unit, what are the chances of you actually choosing a crepe? It's easy to sit and imagine all the food you'd rather eat, but it's another thing to actually eat them.
If you were to stick with the unit for a bit longer, and steadily gain weight in a more controlled environment, you might find things psychologically easier to deal with. No guarantees obviously, but a while longer in the unit might give time for you to build up the strength and determination to go out there and eat a big fat muffin when you leave!
But I have to agree, unit food is REALLY crappy. It must be so frustrating them not having dairy-free options for you, but it's good you've put your foot down and are standing your ground! You've done well these last few weeks! Good luck Clemmy x
P.S ARGH whenever I try to comment it won't let me use my wordpress account without having a paddy!