week 3... changes

Afternoon All...

Ive gotta admit, im having abit of an emo day today. Partly i think cos its period week upcoming, but partly cos today, im finding things somewhat stressful!

Mondays arent a bad day on the unit, but today i was quite anxious for weigh-in. My weights been pretty unwavering over the past few weeks, i thought it would jump sky high cos im eating more, but no... its stayed the same or even dropped in some cases. Weirdness? i sat down and tried to figure it out, cos there are factors... for example, eating more in the day has made me less hungry to eat the larger portions i usually have at night, so that may be somewhere ive fallen short. The fact that i feel like im sitting and doing nothing all day has actually not been true cos i am still walking to and from the unit. And the weekends are still not perfect in terms of hitting my MP, im still figuring it out... i am SO much better, this weekend as an example, i went and got my lunch and had my snacks as i should and it wasnt half as much of a battle as it would normally be! but then again, i did alot of walking. ALOT. i was busy seeing friends and therefore feeling distracted, but by being social i also ended up being active.... hmm.

Anyways, as it happened my weight was only up a little bit. which was reassuring cos im still scared of suddenly ballooning, its always there in the back of my head. but im getting over it, day by day... each meal plan increase i have that doesnt end up in me suddenly blimping out is giving me a little more faith. But after a weekend of being rather "blocked" shall we say, hahaha. I thought for sure i would have a higher number on the scale, even if it was just the presence of excess stuff in my body! but no... and peace was restored upon the morning.... Until the food comes out!!!

Nah, brekkie is sorted. im good with that now. i am getting mighty bored of the same old bowl of bran flakes tho, wish they had more variety in cereal choices but hey ho. BIG NEWS!!! marmalade has returned to the table!!! so my toast was orangey good instead of honeyfied today, i have to say it was a pleasant change not to have to extract my sticky paws from my hair/face/clothes for a change! im a messy one, cant help it.

It was morning snack that brought about the start of the big shakeups... i decided this weekend to go and buy a load of HIGH calorie bars to replace my usual safe ones. It is hard to find high cal bars, so the majority of them are flapjack style, which is not my fave... but i thought, you dont have the luxury of choice right now, especially in terms of dairy-free options. so i sucked it up and got and apple and sultana flapjack from holland and barrett. put it in my bag and thought. deal with that on monday.

And deal with it I DID!!! that bad boy was a "top-shelfer", a scary mutha-trucker, a knee-wobbler of a munchfest. it was Sooooo sweet and not something i am used to. but i did it :-)

The day progressed ok and come lunchtime, i felt good. Good enough that when they "forgot" to give me the second part of my pudding, i didnt "forget" to tell them. i piped up and got it... this made me feel hella anxious, cos it was ME telling THEM i needed more. but i knew that there was no point hiding and after boshing the flapjack, i didnt want to wuss out on the rest of my plan!

So far so good... but for some reason, after my afternoon snack of a packet of crisps... i suddenly had a freakout. I think i had got through it on adrenaline and "look at me, im doing good!" vibes, that when i actually sat and thought, BOY ive eaten alot today, i got scared. and freaky. and worried.

not good.

I had a wobbler in our reflection group, but im glad i did. cos otherwise i think i would be on track for a major wobbler later. im still feeling VERY shaky about this, and about eating tonight and that. but im not letting it get to me... im trying muchos hard to distract myself and stay focused.

Which is why for now, im gonna leave things here... i will do a recap of my weekend (which was a lovely mix of fretful but faboosh and fun but freaky, scary but sociable and exciting all bundled together with shiny ribbon) HA! hows that for a cliffhanger?!

So, you'll have to stay tuned till tomo for an update...! I hope you've all had a superduper weekend and that your monday is hitting all the right "start of the new week" spots...

till tomo folks!

xx