Seriously tho, i think ive jinxed this mid-week humpday, cos last week was a bust and today was just as bad (or even worse, cos i stayed thru it!!)
Nah, i know better than to go quitting when things get hard. last week was different... i had to get out cos i really wasnt present in the unit and my head was all over the place. Today was just arse-pissing-what-the-fudgsicle GRR ness..... yeh, THAT good.
Basics, the day doesnt start OFF bad. But we have this mindfulness group with this absolute dickweed of a woman who just presses my buttons. i cant help it... i TRIED!!! she just has one of those personalities that rub me up the wrong way, all softly softly patronising voice and just general GAH demeanor. i cant take it. its rough, im not a hater! but sometimes you just dont mesh with people.... cant help that!
So not only is she a pain in my ass, but the group is DULL as dirty paintwater. i mean snores-central. everyone agrees and we have mentioned that it makes us all feel very sluggish and demotivated afterwards so i think they are gonna look to change it to something else. which is great, but i leave next week sooooo.... great for the others i guess! Neeeevermind. anyways, so the group is focusing around picking up a raisin, looking at it, touching it, feeling it, smelling it and "if you feel safe" (gaaaaah stop your pyschobabble patronising NONSENSE woman!!!) putting it in your mouth and tasting it.
Riiiiight.
this?? for an hour??!?!
shoot me now.
So we finally get let out of that funtimes group and we head to snack, which im not feeling anyways cos my stomach is playing up, i havent been able to "go" in a few days as a knock-on effect to last weeks "here i go again" (gotta love my funky digestive tract. mmmmm) So when i head into the dining room, cos we have to eat snack in there now... the "priviledge" of sitting in the tv room is out cos ONE woman cant finish her funkin banana, its a BANANA for gods sake, try scoffing a 200cal cereal bar an hour after a big arse breakfast! she only had a yoghurt for breakfast, she cud try and eat the bloody banana!!!!
Sorry!
rant over :-p
Ok, so we are in the dining room and one of the pyschologists who sits with us says to me...
"umm, can i check your cereal bar?"
i was like, okaaaay. and handed it over (i bring my own cos im dairy free, but they have been approved by my dietician)
She looks at it confused (its american) i show her the cal total (190) and she says:
"hmm, are you going to make up those calories???"
Errrm, i look at her and almost laugh! my snack target is 200 cals, this bar is 190. does she expect me to make up TEN calories?!?!?! like what the hell?! i was actually speechless. there are people in there who dont finish A SINGLE MEAL and ive been hitting all my targets (which are the highest in the group cos im furthest along) and not compaining about being made to eat the same shitty food cos they havent ordered enough dairy-free options and shes giving ME grief about my intake?!?!?
i was fuming.
I explained that i didnt think 10 calories was a big deal and i didnt want to be so obsessed with calories that i couldnt eat spontaneously when i get out, plus it HAD been approved by the dietician and she just went "well, if YOU feel okay with that" as if i was trying to cheat the mealplan or something, i felt like i was being told victimised cos im actually trying to get better. i mean maybe look a little closer at the woman who refuses to eat anything and mushes her food up to hide it under her cutlery. PERLEEEEASE!!!!
I have to admit, i asked for timeout and went and sat in the sitting room. i was not gonna sit there and be attacked in front of EVERYONE for trying to get on with my recovery... no ta.
I cooled down and one of the other staff members came and chatted with me to explain it wasnt a dig at me, but it just came across like that. Im not one to hold grudges and the woman DID come and apologise and said that she really didnt mean it to come out like that, but still... she is a freaking pyschologist.... think before you act much?!?!
Sooo rest of the day was abit downsome. i dont like to be a party pooper, but everyone else was kindof blue too. the newer woman, who i get on with quite well is having serious family issues to do with social services cos of her abusive husband and stuff. so she was bummed. and it was pouring with rain all day, so it was kindof depressing anyways! what can i say... wednesdays suck.
STILL, lets rock some positives time (remember how i always manage to turn the bad shizz into something all upbeat and jolly?! yeah, annoying isnt it!)
So here goes:
i may have suffered a BRUTAL attack of trust (hahahahaha) but i got over it and didnt let it ruin my day.
i still ate my meals AND even tried the pork for lunch altho im not meant to eat red meat cos i dont digest it properly and it comes out in HELLA nasty wind and painful cramping stomach. But they didnt have enough meals for me and they dont want me eating the same thing every day (thank god!)
i managed to avoid walking cos of the rain which makes it TWO DAYS RUNNING where i havent gone out in the unit hours (i still walk in and home tho)
Tomo i have weigh-ins first thing and i see the dietician again for potentially MORE increases. oh joy :-p But i also get to see my therapist this week cos he was away last week. I have one more week till my 4week assessment (and discharge) so im interested to hear his thoughts so far :-)
Im not sure what my weight will be doing tomo, it was up slightly on monday but not a huge amount. My weight keeps surprising me, cos i really thought that eating this much would make me gain loads... and i do feel like ive been eating alot, so i reckon it will have gone up quite abit this week for sure. I mean it doesnt trickle along forever, most people get that big WHOOP in weight and have to deal with the emotional turmoil... thats what ive been waiting for, praying that i can handle it if im prepared for it. I can deal with putting on weight, i just hope its not TOO much. i really dont want to freak out... im getting used to eating (and needing) more food and the idea of increasing again is not a horrible thought to me. I just pray that the anorexi doesnt jump in and yell at me if ive gained what it deems to be "too much" :-s
Either way, i can only weight (hahahahaha im such a rubbish pun-ner) and see what tomo brings. Another day done, and im nearing the end now.... Scareeeeeey!!!
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