wriggle room

Try saying that 10 times really fast....!!!

Today has been another of those difficult wednesdays where it feels like everything is conspiring against me... One of the group actually gave a good reason for why i always seem to be picked on on a weds, which i might just agree with! WELL, on a thursday we get weighed before seeing the nutritionist and discussing our intake over the week, we also see the therapist to discuss progress so she reckons that on the wednesday, all the staff start covering their backs and picking on petty little things so that they feel like they've 'done their bit' by the time the big guns come in on the thurs!!! Seriously tho, i would not be surprised! especially after my day.... i always seem to get it worse, i dunno why? maybe cos they know im quite a strong character in the group, they try and knock the leader down so all the others follow in line. Hmm. well im no domino... and i certainly dont fall easily. HAZAAAH!!!

ok, ok. big dramatic 'mel-gibson-in-braveheart' speech done! ill move on...

Today i got through ALL my breakfast!!! ive been striggling to get through the big bowl of cereal and the two slices of toast, not only does it make me feel very uncomfortable, i mean thats a hella lot of food to eat first thing! But it was also becoming hard to fit it in within the time given... short of just shovelling it in and then having indigestion, it was a challenge. But yesterday i was only a tiny bit short and i told myself tomo is the day that i bosh the toast :-) So in i went today, ready to go! annoyingly today was also the day that the housekeeper guy who preps all the food decided he was going to have a "forgetful" day... first he forgot my spoon, then he brought me the wrong milk and then he forgot to bring my milk out! BAH! it meant that i was slow getting started anyways, so the race was on... the biggest poo-bum-meh thing was that he didnt put the toast in for long enough cos he was worried about time, so i had to have warm soggy bread. URGH! im not a fan... somehow i always seem to get the fuzzy end of the lollipop :-p if its not a microwaved yoghurt its a soggy piece of lukewarm bread. Arhh the things we must endure in recovery eh?! haha.

Groups were ok today, we ALL hate the morning mindfulness group, but todaythe woman tried really hard to make it better, she listened to everything we'd said and changed things abit. RESPECT for that. it was nice that she actually bothered... it seems like some of the staff say they want feedback, but when we give it to them, they just nod and agree and then do sweet FA about it!

Lunch was a major challenge for me, cos they made me have veggie cottage pie. Now this isnt a fear food or anything, but ever since i was a kid i have 100% HATED mashed potato... i literally gag when i eat it, the texture and consistency just repulses me. So naturally it went on my list of three dislikes. In fact, i only gave ONE dislike and that was it!!! So you can imagine my absolute fury when they told me that they didnt have any other options for me because of my dietary requirements and all the other options had dairy, so basically... tough tits matey!

WHAT IS THE POINT of being given "dislikes" if you arent allowed to use them??? it pissed me off SO bad. especially cos only a couple of days ago, two people said they didnt want to try the curry cos they didnt like spicy food and it upset their tummies, even tho it WAS NOT on their dislikes list (and you cant put "all spicy food" as a dislike anyways, dumbass!) i was like HELLO i am the one with actual gastro-intestinal and malabsorption issues, certified by a doctor. just cos they get an upset tum doesnt mean they shud be let off... but because they did it in secret, nobody knew. FUMING!!! so basically, its ok that i have to cope with nights of no sleep cos im on the toilet suffering the side-effects (sorry!) but they get off scott free.... 

and they say they dont treat people differently. Hmmm!!!

But i ate the damn thing, cos whats the point of kicking up more fuss. Ive started to realise that getting upset and reacting isnt gonna make a difference, they still pick up on stupid things. like when i went to my stupidassdumb careworker to ask for support with the fact that i had to have my major hatred dislike at lunch (as i was told to by the therapist) and what happened? FIRSTLY she said "can we do it later, im kindof busy"... oh gee thanks. but when i actually went to find her, i caught her getting my cereal bar wrapper out of the bin and checking the calories in it. AGAIN!!! as if there wasnt enough stress when they asked me to 'check it' the first time. now she is actually rifling through the bin to have a snoop?!?!?! what IS this place?! is there NO trust?????

ANYWAYS. im gonna stop the rant now, cos its not helping!!! in positive news (yup, there is is again, the sunshine at the end of the rainy cloud) I have heard back from the headteacher at my school and he is being supportive and says we can arrange a phased return to work, he asked if id be able to come in on monday sometime and discuss what id feel comfortable doing. i was like "well, i fully intend to be back at work monday morning as usual, so shall i see you in morning breaktime?!" haha. im not one to beat around the bush! i want to get back to being a functioning human being again, instead of the mindless zombie drone that i feel like at the unit....

Still, i musnt run before i can walk. 

Baby Steps and all that 

:-)