who's got some wood???

Seriously now.

noah, grab your boat... this weather is reeDONKulous!!!

I have just missioned it through the pouring rain to get home from london. yup, i went... i figured it was best to go and be with people than to stay home. But in a way, i kindof wish i hadnt. I didnt have a great day, yeesh... i was only up there for one freaking night and it has affected me already :-(

basically, i went up straight from the unit yesterday and as soon as i got on the train things were all over the place, i had to meet mum at one place, then she changed and so she said go to another place and then my train was delayed and so i was stressed out and then when i GOT to the place where i was eventually meeting the mumster (high st ken) she was stuck in traffic!! GAH! so since i was there, i perused whole foods market (love that place) and then she said shed meet me and we could pick up some dinner. i wasnt gonna be complaining with that!!!

but anyways, after that we went to this arts fair in battersea to see some friend of mums cos she had a stand... it was a tenner to get in tho and i wasnt bothered, so i took the dog for a walk around battersea park. ohmygod it is SO nice in there!!! we ambled along the side of the river and then looked through the fancy botanical gardens... it was chilled. nice afternoon sunshine, unlike today!

Anyways, we went home and as soon as my sis got in, she was clashing and clanging stuff, making her presence (and her annoyance) clear. i pretty much sussed it was cos i was there (it usually is) and tried to stay out of the way... but it was hard. and eventually she came out and said "why didnt anyone bother to TELL me you would be here" like i was such a disgusting mark on her presence that she needed pre-warning. i thought mum had told her cos it was her idea that i come up cos she was worried about leaving me at home alone... obviously not. BIG fight and me in tears for generally feeling even more like a massive waste of space and a burden on everyone :-(

The weekend kindof carried on in this vein, cos when i get on a downer, its hard to get out... i feel so guilty for the shit that im putting my family through, but its even harder when im made to feel that guilt tenfold. I tried to pick myself up but today when normally i would de-stress by doing my stretches or walking, i couldnt and i could feel the tension rising in me....

I wont go all out, but its been a tiring and emotional day. we didnt even DO much. just wandered around spitalfields and did errands with the mumatron. its like she suddenly decided that i shud be supervised today.. which is crazy cos shes not at home much so i DO cope by myself, why should she suddenly change now?! its nice of her to try but she doesnt really know what to say or do, which makes it difficult....

Oh well. Family eh?!

Still im home now, trying not to feel bad for wasting my time and money going up for ONE night and generally feeling shitter for it! positive thinking.... OKAY!

im gonna go and make some pitta pizzas for dinner. must get back on the right track... i need to get my head straight if im going back to work on monday. i cannot afford to slide back into my old routines. I have to prove i CAN do this... i told the unit and my team that i could handle it and i dont really want to face the consequences of if i mess up this chance!!!

Lets all send a massive "NO MORE RAIN" vibe up to the cosmic weatherman in the skies... i could do with some sunshine please, my vitamin D levels are depleting :-p