inevitabiltity inability

why does this ALWAYS happen....??

i feel like such a failure right now, i mean i was doing so well. why did anorexia have to jump in and spoil things again? WHY???

Im feeling abit down at the mo, so i apologise if this post is somewhat blue.... im trying really hard to get my head up out of the dumps and start feeling that positivity again, but my GOD is it proving hard. I just cant seem to get over my slip-ups, i feel so guilty and yet i cant get enough momentum going to change :-(

i will keep fighting

Anyways, i guess i shud backtrack to where i left off, maybe that will help my mixed up head figure out what went wrong (altho i think i already know and its starts with restric- and ends with -tion) bitchin.

ok, so after my birthday letdown, i was determined to have a better day on the weds. and i DID. woopwoop!!! i met up with my girl heather and and we walked around town, had a good catch up and discussed my past week in the unit etc... it was good to talk with someone who has been through this and understands how i feel. it really helped clear my head... after that i met up with my boys to go see the hunger games at the cinema. which WOULD have been ace, except that by the time we queued up, it had sold out. BUMMER!! so insteaaad, we saw wrath of the titans. Hmm. BOYS film much!?!?! i didnt mind, cos it was nice to hang out with them anyways, but it wasnt exactly my film of choice :-p

After this i was feeling good again, i always DO when ive had some social time, i just freak out sometimes and think that it would be better not to be social, damn anorexia warping my mind again... so silly, cos i genuinely have some wicked good friends and i love spending time with them! However, my eats had not been great that day, a late breakfast (i had a little freakout cos id asked mum to keep my accountable as my breakfasts have been slipping lately, not having that piece of toast my MP had upped to, and letting timing slip later and later...) but she started hers already, so when i was in the shower i heard her making hers... cue FREAKOUT!!! cos i wasnt even out the shower and that meant she would be eating hers without me, which meant that i couldnt have mine... eek!!!) i hopped out the shower and yelled at her to please wait, then had a cry and a panic and then got my shit together and remembered im a grown woman not a snivelling baby. Urgh, this illness eh?! its very timeconsuming, but its not glamourous THATS for sure!

So my eating has not been great, that day i also skipped my snack and lunch cos i was busy and didnt like anything in town. not good, i know... but its so damn easy to slip into that "not hungry, wont eat" mentality. i hate how easy it is. why cant i get hunger cues like normal people? i know that sounds selfish and most people who are overweight would wish they didnt feel the need to eat so much, but its hard when you dont trust yourself to eat when you need to...

This has trickled on to the next couple of days and leaves me where i am now. confused, tired and feeling down (presumably from lack of energy and FOOD) not to mention scared and not quite sure how to get myself back on track. My mum has gone away for the easter weekend to see her friends which i am glad about cos she has been SO stressed lately, ive been worried about her.... but it also means that there is nobody here to check on me, i feel very vulnerable and unsure of myself. which is making eating very hard. I am trying to keep myself occupied so that i dont slip back into walking lots and eating nothing, but even tho i have stuff to do, i find myself not wanting to do it.. it is a real battle at the mo. which isnt helped by the fact that i am hella worried about going back to the unit on tues. well, half and half... cos part of me is itching to get back, cos i know that i will HAVE to get myself back on track and thats what i WANT!! but then im scared that i will have lost weight, when i said i was gonna nail this week off. my weight had dropped last time (which i was weirded out by, cos i was eating so much more) but now i worry that ive been doing more and restricting, what if ive lost more and they wont let me go back to work in 3weeks??? its scary. but also scary cos what if i HAVENT lost weight??? what if i gained and the anorexia goes crazy at me, making me feel lazy and big and worthless cos ive been eating less and moving more and yet have put ON weight.... urghhhhhh i dunno, its so confusing right now.

On the plus side (yup, dontcha just love how i split the post into all the bad stuff followed by a little pick-me-up!?!haha) I got to hang out with my wonderful american bestie! She is staying in london for the week with two of her friends from college, who are also lovely! I went up on thurs and met up with them for the day, it was awesomeballs... we walked about and did some touristy stuff, big ben... buckingham palace... that shizz! its much more fun doing touristy stuff with ACTUAL tourists! even tho i know the city so well, its always good to see it through other peoples eyes :-)

I love hanging out with my friend, she always picks me up and makes me smile again... even when im feeling really shitty, being with her and her friends made me feel all excited and happy again. its contagious!!! i just wish i was back up there now instead of wallowing here in my glumness.... I did try and stay in london, in fact i was having a really nice time chilling out with my sister! whats this?!?! you say! i know!!!! we got on really well!!! it was good to spend some time just us, not with the mothership around y'know. i was glad, but i almost wish we'd had more time. but NO.... i had to get back (and get this) look after the bloody DOG!!!! cos mum had left by then, i had to get home to feed/pee/generally baby the pooch. boooo. altho, on the FLIPSIDE (again, see what i did thur) it meant i got to go round my friends house for his bday houseparty. twas good times, but i will just say one thing... Mad dog at a houseparty?? NOT the best idea! :-p

Anyways, so that was lastnight and now here i am. I have taken the dog out (probs for too long, i got sidetracked bumping into a friend!) and am going to have some breakfast (eeeks its late :-s) and then go round the friends house who i bumped into for an afternoon of distraction. God knows i need it.

Im not sure what the rest of this weekend will look like... i know the boy is supposed to be coming down at some point cos its his bday on monday. but to be honest, i dont know what to do about it... i dont feel very festive at the mo and i dont really want to inflict it on him :-( it is his birthday tho, and i planned that whole zoo trip dressed in fancy dress animal costumes, so i better pull through. MAN UP clem, i can do this thing.

As for food, i guess i just keep trying where i can. im not doing good, i know this. i thought i could tackle the free-time and no routine. but i havent. its not totally my fault. i asked mum for support but she is too busy and cant keep checking up on me every minute. maybe i needed to enlist more people to keep tabs on me. clearly i cant be trusted to make sure i get my own food sorted OR to keep my walking under control. I feel so disappointed in myself. i SHUD be able to do this dammit... why do i keep messing up??? Anyways. i must end here before i roll off the bed in self-pity!!!

Wherever you are and whatever you're up to this easter...

i hope its EGGstra good!!!