first day back

and i did it!!!

Ahh it feels so good to get home after a long (but rewarding) days work and feel that GOOD tired. like ive done something to warrant being tired, instead of just having walked and not-eaten and feel like shit.

well NOT TODAY!!

i was feeling super nervous lastnight, flapping about like a headless chicken worrying that i didnt have this or i needed to do that, i think i was just in that anxious adrenaline mode! but it was fine, in fact... it was really nice :-)

I woke up earrrrrly, i guess my body was already primed to be up and eager to start the day. Gotta love that internal alarmclock! it reminds me of when i was at school, we used to say if you want to wake up at six, you had to tap your head against the pillow six times before you went to sleep... yea, cos THAT will work! It still felt abit weird to be having breakfast that early and at home, cos recently ive either been having it later (on the weekends) or at the unit during the week... i made sure i gave myself plenty of time and it was ok. I didnt want to feel too stuffed, so i had a big bowl of muesli with some chopped fruit and because i havent got time to sit and wade through two pieces of toast like i do at the unit, i had a snackbag of granola too to try and upp the calories abit. Its not the full amount i shud have, but it was close and i made the extra effort....

It was a clear and bright morning and warm enough that i didnt need my coat = winner! When i got to school, there were already people there saying "ahh, your back!!!" which was nice. this carried on all through the day actually! its always nice to feel missed :-p

I taught my first two classes and then in the break i knew i had to have snack, so i went and had one of my clif oatmeal raisin bars. YUM! got some work sorted for the afternoon and then went for my chat with the head, to discuss what happens next.... dun dun durrrrrrr!

No worries tho! He was totes sympathetic. he agreed that the 3days in 2days out was a good idea and that i shud see how it goes for the first half of term and go from there. He even said that if i need to stay part time for the rest of the term, thats ok... i know things wind down at the end of the summer term anyways, so its not a massive deal. it just felt good to have the pressure taken off! the only bummer is that i will have to be on a reduced pay :-( i thought i got statutory sick pay, but maybe not cos i am still partly working. i dunno... sucks tho. i need me that dollar yo!

Anyways after that i sat outside in the sun cos it was so nice out! i went for a little stroll into town, but i didnt power walk. YAY me!!! it felt good not to be pacing like a demon, i just went in... did some shopping and it helps seeing all the young students around town, cos i see that they are free and easy and have real bodies not stickthin bony ones... it makes me want to work harder! 

As for the rest of the afternoon, more lessons and then some prep to leave for tomos classes, cos i wont be in... im going back to the unit for the day (tues and thurs will be my OP days) Im nervous about going back there now!!! gah! would my head please just let me find ONE place im settled in!!! haha.

I got home and mum wanted to take the dog to the park, so i suggested we walk via the doctors to pick up my off work sick-note. I was all full of excited "first day" vibes but sadly, after just asking how the day went, mum was distracted and busy. nothing new there! But then she started picking up on some of my OCD behaviours, like using particular cutlery and wanting my stuff to be seperate from hers etc. i was just like "OHMYGOD, ive just got through my first day back at work, without over-walking, without restricting my food and you are picking up on this now?!?!?!" I mean, what a way to focus on the negatives :-( 

Still, i talked it out and even when she got all stroppy and defesive, i was NOT about to let it go... so i talked and talked and told her to bloody talk back! cos she isnt great at communicating. she fully admits it (when it suits!) but she knows it is a character trait... she never spoke out to my dad and that ended in divorce. Soooooo. i said if she has something to say, she needs to SAY it and then we can talk it out. rather than her shutting down and getting angry and defensive. 

I think it worked?! haha. maybe i just talked so much she agreed just to shut me up! but its true... people of my generation are much more willing to talk things out and get to the bottom of things so that you can clear the air and move on. Whats the point on dwelling on bad feeling? it will just fester inside and make you more angry..... basically, people shud TALK MORE! thats my new motto :-p

This evening i plan on chilling and watching some TV. i have aload of work to mark already! but i might actually take some of it with me to the unit tomo to do in the breaks. better than going out walking, cos i KNOW they'll be checking up on me... ive gotta try and make sure they dont have any ammo to have a pop at me about. God knows what my weight is doing. If its not up ill be in trouble. but screw it... im not gonna panic eat now or drink shedloads of water in the morning to compensate. whats the point??? they know im commited to this recovery. i AM eating and now im going to be getting help with the walking/health-obsessed mind-warp thing that shud ease up too! So yah-boo! 

i swear tho, if they check my cereal bars ONE MORE TIME!!!!! haha. im joking. urgh. unit food is not something im looking forwards to. i had a yummy ham baguette today (i know, right?! ME eating baguettes on a regular basis? its madness!!! well, its baguettes all OVER the place cos i have fully re-awoken my love for those crusty french badboys :-p) 

Tomo is gonna be a different day, but hey.... im living in the moment here! no two days will ever be the same and thats OK. yes... its scary, but its ok.

It will all be OK

:-)