Its raining.
again...
But wait, whats that?!
there's sunshine. quick quick! get outside and absorb the vitamin D!!!
OH no wait, its raining again.
this is my life......
Bahahaha, well there is somewhat more to it than that! (altho not much...) I decided on this sun-less sunday to pop on ma boots and stroll (dammit, why cant i just STROLL!!!!) over to my buddys house to congratulate him on some kick-ass drumming skillz at the gig the other night (he has some mad beats) and also generally to just pester him for a while :-p
I love going round his house, cos there is always something going on. people bustling about, family stuff, its just nice y'know?! i dont have that vibes round at mi casa, so i enjoy just being in the "nest" so to speak, when i go there. Today his dad was painting the shed so we had a funny little here&there catch up banter in the odd 5mins intervals between rain and sun, then id nip back in and chat to his mum, who was baking up some cococnut muffins and cakes and whatnot.
They have quite a big family and theres always people there so they get through alot of food. but they also just generally get through ALOT of food.... they are a "big" family and they dont really mind what and how much they eat as long as it hits the spot. So cakes, snacks and big takeaways and the like are pretty commonplace in this house. Which, altho isnt healthy (and they suffer the price, my friend is trying to help them lose weight and get better knowledge on nutrition cos they are BIG) but its refreshing to see that people DO eat this stuff.... its not abnormal.
Anyways, she had made a bunch of these muffins to be dairy free cos her cousin has a dairy intolerance, so she offered me one. And for once, i didnt shy away!!! i couldnt really use the "dairy" as an excuse and i was like, well i need to eat anyways, why not try something slightly less "safe" than my usual cereal bars etc... AND make her happy by trying her food (i never normally eat there) so i did!!! and it was nice. Scary as hell and im still feeling very anxious and worried cos i dont know the exact numbers and calories and stuff. but sod it, a small coconut muffin cant be more than 200cals and that was my snack allowance, so boo hoo anorexia. you dont win this time!!! Its weird to think how much this kindof thing affects me... most people would enjoy the muffin and then move on, but its stuck with me all afternoon. just a niggle. i wont let it become an issue... but its there. without a doubt. in the back of my head. making me want to walk, restrict, submit to the anorexic thoughts. but i WONT. its hard cos im still finding it very hard to eat when not hungry and to know what i want to eat... this makes it harder cos im full and cant figure out whether i want to eat or not. i know i have to. but i dont really feel hungry. i dunno.... this whole "doing it myself" thing is HARD. maybe i do need more time in the unit :-( i havent managed to eat my FULL mealplan this weekend. ive done way better than ive ever done before, but is that enough?? is that proof enough that i can do this on my own?? i dont know. and its a risk that could be very problematic should the answer be "no"....
how do you ever "know"... i dont want to hide behind the safety of a unit forever, but then i also dont want to leave, with no further support (thanks a bunch, not) and then slip up as soon as i get out.
decisions decisions..... GAH. why must my head be so full of confusion.
Tomo is a busy day. First the unit for weigh-ins and breakkie (why have it here when i can have it there for free!! Then its over to the hospital for bloodwork, then my mum is driving me to the next town for my bone scan appointment, then its BACK here for a doctors appointment and a Q&A sesh as to what would happen if i had to be signed off work....
Sooo here comes a new week...
fasten your seatbelts folks
it could be a bumpy ride!
I have totally missed so much happenings. I had a deadline today so I've been mad biz, but o m gosh drama drama this week for you!
ReplyDeleteThat's really difficult about the unit. Have you decided on whether to stay or go? I obvs think you should stay and get as much support as poss, but I get that's a tough decision for you, esp. with work. :S. Just keep recovery as your no.1 priority and hopefully you'll end up doing what's best for you.
Well done for good weekends though! Not perfect but its massive progress and it'll get easier with practice! And unknown calorie muffins are always a good move. Seirous.
Scary week ahead it seems. I hope today goes ok and things start sorting themselves out. It'd totally overwhelm me.
Happy Week!
Love x.
Urgh don't even start me on the unreliability of the British weather! Rubbish.
ReplyDeleteWhen do you have to decide whether to stay/leave the unit? My vote would be 100% stay. I have been in a similar position, being the 'furthest along' and feeling as if you're miles ahead of the rest of the patients. I was inpatient, and chose the biggest option for every meal - crumbles and sponge puddings with custard (I hate custard) for dessert twice a day while the others ate a muller light yoghurt. I thought I was fine in comparison and had no problems eating food in there. It's almost a relief to HAVE to eat what they tell you to, the control is out of your hands - and that's a good thing.
It's a whole other ball game doing it on your own. You have nobody to answer to, and nobody to see if you have/haven't met your target and it's so much harder to motivate yourself initially. Like having trouble eating when you're full? At home - you can/could put it off, in the unit - you HAVE to. You have no choice. I know you'll be pining for tastier food, or missing out on work, but ultimately - you have years and years of work and tastier food ahead of you. You need this recovery support NOW.
Sounds like you've had a super busy day of hospitalness, fun fun ;). Hope it went ok xx