snow big deal.

So if any of you are from the UK, you'll know that there has been a MAHOOOOSIVE deal being made this week about the snowfall in our country.

OK - we get it... its GOING to snow!!!

Dont get me wrong, i get that our little island is pretty shoddy at coping with the white stuff when it comes, but its been like three maybe even FOUR years running, where we've had this kindof snowfall.... so its hardly breaking news is it?! you'd think they'd have learnt something by now! Ahhh, but no. we still go into national meltdown (hahaha, looky! snow... melt-down... i swear it, i didnt even plan that one!! HAZAH! (dont hate me... i do know im an eejit :p)

Yeah. so on the weekend we heard that the snow was a comin... so by Monday, naturally it was all people could talk about. (us brits LOVE to talk about the weather...) So plenty of "psst. HEAVY snowfall" type convo's where going on at work. Us teachers... any excuse for a potential snow day y'all. WOOOO!!! And since the world and his wife we're saying East Anglia was gonna be hit up pretty bad, obviously i was nervous/excited/lazy-about-doing-any-work.... But a few little flurries during the day was all it really amounted to. Altho, it came down abit heavier just as we finished for the day (about 4pm) and so naturally i thought, THIS IS IT!!! Everyone was saying "Ooh, get home before the white-out", meetings were cancelled etc... so i left the work i was supposed to do for tues morning, thinking... yippee, snow day fo sho! 

Well damn was i WRONG!!!

It did snow abit, but nothing major. Even throughout the night... nothing to shout about :-( So up i got at 6am as per usual and got ready for work. Booooo!!! (altho i decided to be safe, id walk in... it was pretty slippy and i didnt wanna risk the moped skidding and me falling into a slushpile!) And so today was fine, all day it was clear skies and actually quite warm! but then DEJA VU?!?!? at 3:30pm suddenly out of nowhere, down comes snow again! i mean ALL day im inside a classroom and its fine - but then as soon as i leave to walk home. WHOOOOSH, it all comes down again!

Haha, i dont mind tho. it was all pretty and even tho i was a bit soggy when i got home, weirdly it really wasnt cold! so since id wrapped up in a gazillion layers, i was boiling when i got in :p

OK, before you start thinking ive turned my blog into a weather-channel (cold fronts in the south! ey ey!) ill stop blabbering... but its only cos snow is a big deal in these parts! just ask the kids... they get so excited you'd think they'd never seen the stuff before!!!

But other than that, ive just been trying to manage my time so that when i get home i can relax and not stress about doing more work. I think the key is gonna be eliminating the amount of time i leave school during the day. Sad as it is... i am still going out instead of sitting in the staff-room doing marking/prepwork etc. Alot of staff stay on site all day (lets face it, you would if you were in a school not based in town) and the majority of "getting out" that people do at work is nipping over the road to the tescos express. Whereas me, i trundle off into town to buy (admittedly a far NICER) lunch and get some fresh air and a bit of a walk. I knoooow, i shudnt be walking more than i need to.... (espesh since i walked in today) and i do enough already by just being on my feet. (why cant i acknowledge that as ENOUGH?) i guess its cos i do get restless being stuck in school all day. i like to get out and see something outside of the classroom walls....! but i know that since im still struggling to actually gain any weight, its not helpful. Yes im trying to make steps by adding more food to my day (ive been chowing through my xmas backlog of graze-boxes and allowing myself more snack/treats in the evening) and ive eased off the walking by taking the moped and trying to repeat to myself "half an hour of walking a day is ENOUGH..." but it isnt enough to calm my head. i still feel anxious and restless if i dont do anything... so that tells me that my brain is still skew-whiff about exercise and the reasons i am doing it. Plus since i still eat the same "safe" foods, im not really challenging myself as much as i could (and should) I dont weigh myself, but i dont think im gaining any REAL weight... (im going by how i look/feel) So i guess thats clearly biggest sign that its not good enough. If i want to get better, i need to do better.

Urghhh, and this is where i would insert the *BUT ITS SOOO  HAAAARD* part... but its a broken record isnt it. I know its gonna be hard. it IS bloody hard. but theres no point spouting that old sh*t again.... theres nobody that can STOP it being hard... its up to me to change. i just have to DO it. 

That doesnt mean i dont wish there was a way that i could get past the headf**ks i get when i try and make those changes. Cos sometimes i am so convinced that i can do something.... but then when the opportunity arises, i dont do it. but i dont get WHY?? Cos i actually look forwards to my inevitable recovery process... the eating what i want and sitting on my bum and the resting and trying new fear foods. Not to mention then obvious part where I GET MY LIFE BACK!!!! but then when it comes to actually doing it... something stops me. And i dont know how to get past that... I can have all those things i want, if i just choose recovery. i can eat and by that, i mean i can eat whatever i WANT not just the things i think i like - therefore stick with instead of opting for something else i might fancy. i can rest and not force myself to be busy and doing something in the times i just dont feel like it... 

i can do all those things that recovery brings. but i dont... and that pisses me off no end. i wanna kick my stupid lazy (but not the right kindof lazy :s) butt into gear!!!

Ahh, so there you have it! another day - another recovery ramble. Sometimes i feel like i must be the most ridiculous anorexia sufferer out there... cos i dont want to be anorexic!!! i dont like feeling compelled to do things that i dont need to do, just in case. Or make choices that i dont really want or dont know any better than to choose, just because. Nope, i actually have no desire to be this thin.... And while i may be scared of gaining weight and the things that come with it...  i may be scared of ballooning and never stopping and being unable to do anything cos my body is so unhealthy and unmanageable.... i know deep down that those all just anorexic fears. They are not REAL. But the most frustrating part is that even tho i dont believe them and i know that i WANT to be bigger and healthy again....

i just cant seem to actually DO IT.

*sigh*

Ok, im sorry guys - this is starting to turn into another pity party post. So this is where i pull myself together and say enough wallowing Clem!! You're ok! Buuuuut just to be on the safe side, i better go and laugh at some funny animals doing silly things on youtube to chirp me up again....

Yup, that outta do it!

:-)