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Hey yoooou's...

Middle of the week eh? 

Ah how time flies when there's snow on the ground :p

Luckily tho, its melting pretty fast... which means i might even be back on my moped by the end of the week. yip yip! I think its important i get back on the bike, cos i realise that im starting to become dependant on walking into work and back everyday... i enjoy it and therefore its starting to get to be something i want to do more and more regardless of whether its raining or i dont have time etc... Basically - its getting compulsive again. and that means UH-OH's... Granted im not walking the crazy long route round the field that i used to. But its still a fair walk and i wont tell a lie - i do make it longer than it needs to be (once i get going, i freaking love that bracing fresh-morning-air feeling... its like a drug) But i know thats a dangerous path to walk (excuse the pun!) I tell myself that if i walk in and back, then i wont walk in the middle of the day. but then ill nip out to get a sandwich and end up doing the rounds in town anyways. which has to stop. Especially cos when i get back on the bike, i know im going to feel like im doing less (im already feeling nervous about it) and that could lead to difficulties....

DAMN that exercise compulsion. DAMN my weak brain and DOUBLE DAMN the snow!!!  

Anyways, grumble over. I want to try and counteract this with some more positive news... Cos i realise that the exercise front is an ongoing battle that im trying desperatly to claw my way out of - but not always succeeding. Yes - i know it shud be NOTHING. but i cant do that right now. i want to. and im scaling it back when and as often as i can... but i still struggle. 

So i am trying to work the food side as a way of bringing the positives back. (self punishment for not doing recovery "right" is equally as unhelpful for making me TRY and do it right...) And soooo, today i boshed a new FOODY challenge!!!

Now, usually i take my own lunch into work or i go and buy something from m&s or tescos (i have a few "safies" on repetition) well lately ive been getting reaaaaaally bored with my lunches. as in i just cant be bothered to have any of them. Which i guess was inevitable, after allowing myself them-the novelty has worn off and i now dont really care about being "allowed" to eat that ham salad sandwich i liked the look of or that chicken wrap that tasted nice and wasnt TOO high cal.

Well thats a routine which ive got bored of... now that i eat those lunches - i no longer "crave" them, i no longer get the same satisfaction from eating them as i did when they were fears. So i eyeball the higher cal ones and think - maybe i should have one of those... but more often than not, the reason i havent had them is cos they have something in i either dont LIKE or cant HAVE. so i pass. i SHUD just go home and make the equaivalent they way I like it instead... but weirdly - i cant bring myself to do that. i feel like they wouldnt be as "nice" as shop bought ones, cos ive made it and therefore it will probs go wrong. (im not the best "night-before" sandwich maker, so there is some method to my thought-madness... not to mention that whatever i do, they've always gone soggy by the next day!)

So one of my challenges is to go to a deli sandwich shop and have them MAKE something for me... no calorie labels, no excuses... made fresh the way i want. But as of yet, i am still abit scared of this. i prefer to stick to the ones i know the values of... or made by myself so i know theres no accidental dairy bits in there. Then the other challenge, one that i didnt think i'd be able to do just yet... was to eat in the school canteen.

Last year the school put in a small canteen, its really just a room with one small canteen bar serving hot lunches. But its a major freakout spot for me. I know its all made fresh, but i dont know the ingredients... i dont know the calories... i dont know the foods. its a minefield. Not to mention the fact that its JAMpacked with pupils all eyeballing what you eat.

our canteen is WAY smaller than this... its like a tiny front room!! 

but when its packed with kids, this is what it feels like... miles and miles of chairs and kids.

Well i discovered that they also do a salad bar section with jacket potatoes and fillings etc as well as the hot meal option. So ive been hmming about trying that. but again. scary scary scaryness put me off. This week ive been thinking about it more, cos since the mothership has been away - i have been seriously lacking on food variety!! not that i cant cook... but i havent had time to go and do a big shop and since its been super snowy i cant GET to the big supermarket anyways. so ive been popping to tesco express every other day practically... and its been costing me a small fortune!!! So feeling those pennies pinch gave me an additional SHOVE towards going and eating in the canteen for free. 

And today... I DID!

I knew i had a busy day ahead, teaching juniors and seniors back to back till 1pm and then i had detention duty till 1:30.... so lunchtime for me would be in my free-period at 1:30-2pm when everyone else was back in class. So this morning, I asked the canteen if it'd be ok for me to come in then (they usually close at 1:30 to clear up) and they said yes - theyd be packing up, but theyd save me some stuff. So i was pretty chuffed with myself for taking the steps... and - since id set it up... i had to go thru with it!!!

It wasnt that bad. I had a baked potato with chicken and sauce with salad. nothing major. but still for me it was a big deal... especially to go for potato which i do have often. But im proud that i did :-) It was pretty bland and they dont have salt & pepper, which i thought was super weird... (why cant you have salt & pepper in a school canteen?!?!) but probs a good thing, cos i WAY over-salt my food. my whole family do - we love the stuff :-) 

But as a free lunch goes, its def a once-a-weeker.... and i can work my way up to having different things etc. so i think ive made a proactive step.

Dont get me wrong... i know its not a mountain! i still have alot of stuff to tackle and i know that i still want to try to jump into FULL recovery wholeheatedly by eating 2500 and not being active. But thats something that may or may not happen right at once. 

So in the meantime, while i keep plugging at the big stuff. im maintaing those stepping stones in the right direction... cos consistent steps in the right direction are better than NO steps at all. and those steps when pieced together, might just be the foundation that helps me make the big LEAP into full recovery. with no more ED strings attached... i hope so :-)

Im so very lucky to have you guys out there supporting me and giving me advice (and a kick up the butt reminder, when i need it - thankyou!!!) Sometimes i dont want to post what or how im doing for fear of being repetetive with the same old shit... especially since im ashamed when i think of how long its been going on, around and around in circles in my head. not actuallu getting any better but still being stuck in this limbo-land. But i dont want to hide away and i dont want to lie to you guys.

Recovery is a bitch... i think. i guess i cant even say cos im not FULLY in it. but im trying!!! and with you guys backing me - i will keep striving to get myself immersed in the actual recovery that i know will be eaully as shitty, but a hell of alot more worthwhile :p haha.

Happy Humpday Lovelies

and remember to...