ho-hum

Hello everyone! This weekend is flying by isnt it?! could it be something to do with the fact that i just pretty much SLEPT all through today!?! whaat?! i was tired!! and im trying to honour my bodies requests for rest and relaxation. God knows its been deprived of it for long enough...

So despite the obvious feelings of guilt and laziness and images of me falling into a life of bad health (Umm, hello reality - could it be worse than it is now?!) i have ignored those thoughts... and done much internet reassuring through way of recovery info and "not exercising WONT make you fat/unhealthy/bad" articles to make myself feel better about sitting at home and not leaving the house AT ALL! ive spent the day just napping, lazing about in my room and generally embracing the winter hibernation. Cos thats ok, right? its natural to want to curl up and hibernate when its cold?? this way, i will finally be able flourish like a butterfly from my anorexic cocoon as soon as spring and the warmer weather arrives. Ahh, that makes me feel happier :-) i need to remember that nothing changes if I dont change... ive been here before. Thinking i will get better just by willing it to happen. It wont! i NEED this time off to grow and gain weight and develop healthier thinking patterns.

RIGHT. Pep talk over! sorry about that guys... its just that sometimes i have to get things straight in my head :-)

So yesterday ended up being a bit of a scrambled day. I didnt have any set plans but on friday night after a loooong and hilarious facebook banters sesh with two of my work colleagues (not the ones i normally hang out with, but some others) I decided that i didnt want to wallow about at home on my own and potentially slip back into self-pitying ED mode, so i decided to get out of the house! We had made relaxed plans to meet up for a coffee, but after the girl ran late and couldnt make it... i decided to pass on meeting just the guy (he is a sweetheart, but ive told that he harbours abit of a crush on me, so i didnt want to promote anything on that front!!!) Sooo, i just went in on my own!

Its not like theres a shortage of people shopping in town centres at the mo and my town was no different! people EVERYWHERE. Urhhhhh. is it just me or do you sometimes just HATE people?!?! Like slow walkers, dawdlers, people who stop suddenly and just look around or the worst... people walking and texting! Cos those chumps will just walk straight into you!!! Yup, its pretty clear that im not a big fan of the hoards of mindless xmas shoppers... But to be fair, i was asking for it, going into town on a saturday :p plus i discovered after passing a crowd of VERY over-excited tweenagers, that joey essex from TOWIE was signing his xmas calender in town.... granted, he's funny as balls, but screaming 12yr old girls?!? No ta! And cue me walking very swiftly AWAY from that shop!!!!)

It was good that it was hectic tho, cos normally that stresses me out as it means my usual power-stomping pace is rudely disrupted. But i dont want to be that crazy fast walking girl anymore (i know its bad, cos even the kids at school have asked me why i walk so fast... whaddaya say to that?! ummm, i have anorexia athletica... google it!?!) Haha, but yeah - the fact that you could only inch a few slow paces at a time without bumping into the person in front of you meant I had to seriously reign my compulsive speed in and just wander.... like everyone else. Its good for me to remember that there is no need for such speed! Its still NOT normal! But still, i swear people walk so damn slowly tho, i was getting mentally bored! like i managed to have a really good old think about things as i was snail-trailing along at 0.1mph! i could've whipped out a sudoku or something! I gave alot of thought to how i feel recovery is going (or bits that are not yet going) i thought about the things i HAVE accomplished and the things i still need to work on.... 

For example, i know i still feel very compelled to be active and how i cant quite NOT do anything... I dont think this is too bad in theory, cos i have always been an active person and i intend to be again. But i dont want to feel like i HAVE to do something... and anyways, all i do is walk cos i cant do anything else! id love to go to a zumba class, or go swimming... but my ED stops me. So the walking, altho not as bad as it could be (its not like i go to the gym or go running for miles...) But its still obsessive. I have to do it for at least 30mins (as per national guidelines... GRRR! damn my brain and its fondness for 'rules') 

Now, even tho i drive my moped into work, i still park at the car-park away from school and then instead of just walking down the road to school, i walk across and round to get a longer walk (still only about 10mins) - but i could be be there in like 2mins. But then on the flipside - the fact that i DO drive the moped and i no longer walk the 30mins there and back every day is a big accomplishment!! so i mustnt let my tendency to 'self-bash' tell me im doing nothing to get better and im failing at recovery... Cos im not! I have essentially cut out a good hour of fast-paced walking from my routine. and that, my friends a definite step! 

Anyways. i picked up a few bits and bobs but nothing major. Im not great at buying in advance, cos i always change my mind (or the people i buy for - ie: my sis) change their minds.... i prefer to scope out whats around, make a list of what i INTEND to buy and then go in all guns blazing the week before Xmas. It usually works out fine, so long as things dont sell out!!

So with this in mind, ill divulge the next nugget of information for the Christmas Challenge.... (still no reply from yesterdays letter post tho. i might have to alert the authorities!! :p)

Now the Challenge states "EASIEST person to buy for"... but i have to say that i dont really find anyone that easy!!! I like to push myself to get the best gift possible. Ill confess - i used to be the "queen of christmas presents", back when i had time and money and energy! But sadly nowadays i have to settle for what i can find within my budget and within the time-frames allowed for a busy teacher!

And actually, is it just me, or are some of the supposedly easiest people - like my mum - who doesnt really want anything... actually the hardest!!! Cos what do you buy someone who says they dont mind what they get?! Its sooo frustrating!! I dont wanna just get her soap or a boring giftcard, cos she'll never use it. So i have to think outside the box and buy random things and hope that she gets some kindof pleasure from them :-) i do find tho, that for people like this - doing something homemade is always a nice idea. I like to try and make something for my mum, cos she is one of the people who really appreciates that my TIME is more valuable that spending MONEY. This theory however, doesnt extend to all of my family! And ive already had an extensive list of books/DVDs and various things from my popsicle (altho, thank GOD he's specific!!! amazon here i come) and im sure there will be a great deal of mental preparation for the mission that will be my sis's present. Its always a bartering game with her, i have to get her equal or better than she gets me or i run the risk of some of her presents to ME get taken away!! 

Ahhh, dontch just LOVE xmas!?! Its all good tho, cos im a firm believer that you've gotta have some downs, to appreciate the ups!

On this note, ill say "TOODLES".... and wish you a good start to the new week! 

:-) smile with me tho people :-)  cos this girl only has THREE more days of work till school breaks up! 

woooooohoo!

xx