...but now im here.
Soon ill be back up there....
....but ill be home briefly before i go there AGAIN.
Cos then it'll be CHRISTMAS...!
Did ya get all that?! HAH! its hella confusing... to be honest, im not even quite sure where i am or shud be at the moment either! oh well. im sure if im MEANT to be somewhere, someone will let me know :p Either way... i dont have to be up for work everyday - so thats ok. Everything else is negotiable. i can be late, i can miss it. its not the end of the world much (just as long as someone knows where i am!)
This afternoon the mothership and I drove back from london tooooon. It was abit of a flying visit, but nice nonetheless :) I went up yesterday with my fave preggo, little roadtrip yeah?! it was nice, espesh after our dinnerparty night the evening before... we needed some chilled-car-singalong-time to get her in the vibes for her DATE!!! yes, the preggo has moved on from her shit of a babydaddy and hooked herself a date with a MUCH nicer (and raaaaather goodlooking if i say so myself) guy. yipeeeee!!! So she dropped me off and i went to meet my friend L for a bit of a spitalfields market mooch. Funtimes. PLUS since she's looking for a place to stay when her and the preggo are being booted out of their place, she might come and live with meeeee!!! It works, cos our lovely preggo will be off to france to have her bubbins and this one will be left all lonely and homeless! Altho i live with the mumatron, she is away for most of the week so it gets lonely me being here all on my lonesome. PLUS i think having a friend here, a normal, a regular not-disodered eating/sleeping/veggingout buddy here, will be a good thing for me. I wont be able to get away with all my silly ED habits that the mothership has to put up with. i cant likely get away with them with my friend!!! So we'll see, its only in the "wouldnt it be cool if...." stages. cos there isnt really a room for her as our attick room is full of mums shit. But its a possibility!
So, im wondering what you think?! Part of my head is freaking out, cos i know my ED rules and routines will be disrupted and i wont be able to give the illness everything anymore... but part of me NEEDS that. i need some kind of kick up the arse to get things moving. Scary!!! But i dont always trust my own head. So im putting it to you lovely peoples out there... do you think its a good idea?! thoughts please!!
Ummm, yeah. so after that it was another full on YEEESHK! moment. Me and the mumster went out for dinner in the evening - to this local pizza place (urrrhhh, no thanks ma!) but she said they had other stuff too, so we went and they did. I ordered fish, but as a non-dairy... i asked them to hold the herb butter sauce. It took ages and when it came it had been cooked in herbs and.... a GALLON of oil. Ohhhhdear. I was literally shaking with anxiety. shud i leave it? i didnt want to eat it. but i knew i had to.... Urgghh. i felt like such a greasy, fat, oily mess. i could literally feel the oil and i wont pretend it didnt scare the hell out of me. Cos it did, my ED was going insane... all those unecessary calories.... why didnt they just cook it plain like i wanted. no no no :(
But then i looked across at my mum, who had a pizza as big as a freaking HOUSE on her plate. 4-cheeses... blates cooked in oil and fats and all that jazz... and IM the one freaking out about my healthy fish having abit of OIL on it?!?! STOP this please clemdog. its getting silly now.....
So i ate it... it was alright, but far too oily - not just for my ED, but for my taste too. DAMN that oil! Im still feeling bad about it and i hate that... cos i would usually compensate by being active or eating less in order to feel "better" about it. but i was stuck in the flat with my mum&sis, so couldnt. And i dont want to always resort to those behaviours... But my god does it make me feel like im the biggest unhealthiest slob in the world. But im not... cos those things are normal. normal people EAT. they go out and they have a big meal... they dont exercise it off or restrict. Why shud i? I dont want to be self-pitying, but i STILL feel like its ok for other people, but for some reason, MY body cant cope with it... ill react badly and gain a ton of weight and be unhealthy and fat and horrible and bad.
Someone reassure me that im doing the RIGHT THING by not exercising? it wont leave me a mess of a boy right? its ok to be less active, im trying to get better.... i just need to hear that tough love to tell me FACT so that my disorder cant change things in my head. i need to stop being a wimp and DEAL WITH THIS.
i mean, does it really have to be this hard?
:-(
Not in the right mood for Christmas Challenges today... i think ive been tackling challenges of another sort this weekend!! So i think im gonna take this weekend off and hop back on the Qn-answering front tomoz. Hope ya dont mind!
See you on the flipside homies
much loves
:-p
I think having a healthy friend live with you would be awesome! I can't imagine living alone as much as you do!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the truthful comment on my blog. It's such a struggle, each and every day. I'm tired of obsessing over food so much. If only there was an "off" button. But kudos for eating that fish! When you cook fish it tends to have a lot of natural oils anyways, so I bet a bunch of that was healthy omega fatty acids! Yayyy nutrition!
<3