talking?

Ok, so its New Years Eve today... and im feeling a bit of a blip.

WHAT a surprise that on the one major day of the year when people want to celebrate, be happy and loving and generally embrace the end of the year etc... im sick :(

Ohhhhhhhhhhhwhymeeee??!? That cold/flu thing that the mumster had over christmas has decided its time for round 2. and that would be... ME. Yup, the little bugger strikes again. Urgh! 

So - i feel pretty rough right now. Luckily, not rough in that 'i cant get out of bed or move or eat or do anything but moan quietly in a darkened room' fluey rough. But more in that kindof 'niggling, coughy, achey runny nose that will NOT stop no matter how many tissues you shove at it and just a general feeling of bleh'. Which is liveable with, but is it fun? Id be inclined to say... not.

So i dunno, im taking it easy today... I didnt really make any SET new years plans, which is good cos i wont feel too bad if i bail out and stay in bed!!! I didnt sleep great lastnight - kept waking up in a start cos i was all bunged up and couldnt breathe properly! im sure it was pretty comical to watch... haha. Does anyone else wish they could film themselves sleeping just to see all the weird and funny things you do in your sleep?!?! That might actually be my new challenge for 2013!! i wanna find someone with a video camera and set up a "sleep diary" of what i do during my nocturnal hours, BESIDES stumbling to the bathroom to pee about a gazillion times :p 

Anyways, today brings not only the snot-grot-grumps, but also a nasty ED niggle. I woke up to take the dog out with mum as i have done for the past few days and while i was waiting for her to get ready... i did a few stretches. UH-OH. Ohhhh how i missed them!!! ARGH, i dunno - this might have been a bad thing, cos immediately i wanted to do more. I stopped when she called she was ready, but i did feel restless on our walk. I wanted to walk more. I felt like i should walk more. RED ALERT??? I told her how i was feeling and she kindof just sighed and then started going on about how nothing is changing and im not really making any visible progress. Which hurt, but i guess shes right. this HAS been going on for a longtime and it must be so freaking boring for her... I could talk about anorexia and meal plans and my feelings about it all till the cows come home, but i dont realise half the time that normal people dont CARE about food/exercise/guilt etc like recovering anorexics do. DURRR, its not exactly the most fascinating topic for someone who is perfectly fine to eat what they want and do whatever activity features in their day. But for me, well i put it up on a pedestal and it becomes the be all and end all, it takes priority over everything else..... 

does anyone else find this a struggle?

trying to recover, but not really having anyone to talk to about it??

Anyways, it played on my mind and we talked it out abit more - i tried to explain that talking about my feelings as i have them helped to rationalise the ED "hot-thought" while im in the moment, so that then i can try to identify why and what caused those feelings (i find it very hard to figure out WHY i get these thoughts and urges...) And we were discussing changes and how they make me anxious... But when we got home, mum was saying that i should be changing things to make more differences. Like having my breakfast THEN, instead of waiting till after my shower, faffing about stuff. Which i know is the right thing to do... shes 100% right. But its still hard to just do it - cos i want to enjoy my breakfast, i dont want to rush it and eat it when im not ready... i want it to be perfect. Which is just me putting it up on a pedestal again... GAH!

I didnt eat breakfast then. i went upstairs and did abit more stretching. badbadbad. But WAIT!! cos after i started i stopped myself, i started to think "why the HELL am i still doing this? this isnt the way to solve anything...." and it was bloody hard not to 'complete' my routine, but i did. i managed to claw back some of the control. But the compulsive urge was there and i gave into it... which pisses me off.

Ive brought my MealPlans downstairs now so that i can try and get something set in stone. I wanted to use this holiday to get my intake UP. not faff about eating less and being silly.... ive managed to srt ot the walking thing. I CAN do nothing all day and it doesnt kill me. but i havent been doing it on a proper recovery intake. so it doesnt even really count. Ive just replaced one restriction with another.... So today. NEW YEARS EVE. im going to try again, to let go of this rigidity and let food back into my life. This time without the activity of school/work/life. just EATING... like breathing, like sleeping.... just another thing we need in order to live.

Ohhhh cos thats what i want after all isnt it?! i mean i bang on about it enough!!! oh, this anorexia shizz is HARD... i want to LIVE, blah blah blah. Yeah ive said it before, no doubt ill say it again. cos anorexia is also a broken bloody record. And people get BORED of listening to the same old track again and again... even IM starting to get bored of this repetition!! So, its the end of another shitty year where my ED has wreaked havoc on my life and im not prepared to let 2013 go the same way.... Its not fair to inflict this on the people i care about anymore.... and thats why i wont be ending this year like i did last year (in DENIAL of my recovery)

not somewhere i want to re-visit

Im not gonna put any false expectations on myself : there will be no "STARTING TOMO i WILL do this that the other".... yada yada yaaaawn. Cos it never materialises and then i feel bad and OOPS i use my ED behaviours to feel better again. well DAMN if that isnt a silly way to go!!! i dont want to let my ED dictate when and how i "start"... frankly, in my eyes, its already started. Not very productively maybe. theres been more stop starts than a dodgy second hand car!!! But despite that. i have made progress... and it is on (just not quite as ON as donkeykong... yet!) i just have to push it to the next step and thats where today is crucial. I maybe feeling rough as a badgers arse... but that just makes me MORE determined to do something worthwhile with my day!!!

 does this look appealing to YOU?!?!

Ok. the night-nurse medecine is wearing off and mums getting annoyed with me now, so RAMBLE OUT and ill check back in later (unless i pass out in a dazed "i love my bed, its so cosy and warm and Oops im gone...." sleepcoma again!) So in order to get her back, im about to whip out the NHS mealplans, the internet printouts, the ED info sheets... yup, ALL of them (and theres alot!!!) Ahh, she doesnt know what she's in for!!! Hahaha...

See ya Later, Calculator!

xxx