indecisiveness!

Umm, i may teach English... but that's actually quite a hard one to spell!!!

thank god for spell-checker!

I hate being so indecisive. i feel like alot of it is brought on through my anorexia... Cos i was always more a spur of the moment, fly by the seat of my pants, spontaneous kinda gal before i got sick. Whereas now, EVERYTHING has to be planned... i get anxious and dont like it when things change and my routine is disrupted without me being able to plan ahead for that. I think its all down to wanting to be in control... i have to know whats going to happen so that i can feel ok with it.

And thats just not always possible is it?! Life is always changing, the world spins on its axis every minute of every day... its how we live!

just hopefully not THAT fast, or id trip over my future self!

Always trying to stay one step ahead of everything, is not living. And im tired of always trying to think in advance, i feel like by over-thinking things, im missing out on the fun thats happening right NOW. i dont want to be second-guessing what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next year! Its not like i can predict the future, so why bother?! I want to start living in the present. Check out whats happening in the here and now :-)

This also swings in with my decision making skills. I find it SO hard to just choose something and stick with it! whether thats to do with food (ohhh, i cant decide what to eat... maybe ill just have nothing) or making plans (well if everyones meeting at x time, then i wont be able to have my usual breakfast/dinner/stretch time...) This time it is regarding GIFTS.... i am having a really tough time deciding what to buy for people!!! Even if they've given me a list, i uhmm and ahhh about what i think is the better option and whether its "enough"... Which is tricky, cos im really on a budget this year as i try and desperately save my pennies for travelling next year. But i feel like im being selfish by not spending loads of money on nice presents. Especially when gift-buying these days is SO freaking expensive!! you really dont get much for your money, so even if you opt for buying a few small things instead, it still adds up to the price of one BIG thing cos you dont want to only get one little thing... but you look like you've made less effort cos it seems like they are all small things. GAH!

Ohhh, i guess you cant please everyone.... which would be fine, cos most people are happy with whatever. But my biggest issue is that i can never please MYSELF. i will always put myself down and feel bad about something.... How much do i wish i could put a cure for that on my christmas list :p Yup, when it comes to me and gifts, im equally indecisive! The mumster just asked me what i wanted and i honestly could not think of a single thing. Sure, theres stuff i need - but its not very exciting or present-worthy! Soooo....

I need some inspiration guys!!! 

what are YOU asking for this Christmas?!

I dragged the mothership into town this afternoon to try and find some little stocking fillers, cos usually i try to get it done for all of us - but ive been struggling this year. i just dont know what to get! my sis is very hard to please and my mum doesnt really care. which is EQUALLY hard!!! So it was nice to have a helping hand :p We managed to pick up a few goodies... so the heat is off, for now! We found the trainers my sis wants for her main present, but she didnt text us the colour/size, so we have to wait on them. As for me.... I am still yet to think of an actual "present" that i want! oh dear.....

Maybe this'll give me some ideas...

Cos whatever little bits we put in the stocking each year... we always have this ONE staple which never changes from year to year. And that iiiiiis..... 

A classic

Terry's Chocolate Orange 

:-) 

Its been our tradition since we were little to have something sweet in the stocking and the traditional orange got replaced by the tastier chocolate treat as we grew up. I remember it always being the first thing i ate on christmas morning... back when i would wake up at 5am to rifle through my stocking before me and my sis piling into my parents room to go through it all again (with a mysteriously half-missing chocolate orange and some sticky brown smudges around my mouth :p)

Sadly my anorexia and dairy allergies put paid to that choccy tradition.... Plus since mum doesnt like "sugary" chocolate (she's a strictly fancypants 80% cocoa or higher type of lady!!!) and my sis always ASKS for one but then keeps it locked away in her cupboard for the year, sure - she'll LOOK at it, but she wont actually EAT it (disorderrrrrrrred much?!) and i cant have one. so i usually put something else sweet in there, like fruity/gummy sweets or a regular orange.

But despite all that, the memories of that exciting moment when i "tapped and unwrapped" the shiny orange wrapper and split the chocolate circle into segments.... before savouring that first melty moment. 

Those memories will keep forever 

:-)