BrainSmoosh

Urhhhhh, does anyone else get to fridays and think their brain has turned to goo?? 

Im SO not with it today! ive just been toddling along in my own little world... LahLaaLaaah. Y'know what tho, its not so bad. Its quite fun actually! Well, if you ignore those all-to-frequent moments where im just standing there looking comfused cos im wondering what the hell im supposed to be doing/getting/thinking... Hahaha. I must look like a complete LOON! (nothing new there then :p)

Today was a non-uniform day too, cos we were holding our annual "Christmas Bazaar". I love the bazaar, its always really cheery and theres music playing, games areas and stalls selling stuff... Its a shame it was pissing with rain today tho, it was NOT the nicest environment to try and get in the festive mood! To be honest, i stayed for a little bit and then snuck out into town to look around the shops and get some christmas shopping vibes... MUCH better!!

And speaking of Christmassy vibes. Its time for "That-25-Day-Challenge-Thingy" (yes, ive re-named it :p)

Todays buzz is "Most Memorable Christmas" which again is hard for me, cos i dont want to bang on about my childhood so much... But that genuinely was when i was happiest, so therefore holds the best memories. It all got a bit wonky in my life after i got sick with M.E and so my memories arent always the best. In fact there are still some chunks of my life that i have no memory of at all, which is pretty damn scary :s But hey ho. Ive learnt not to dwell on the past, it only ever leaves me feeling depressed and self-pitying. Well frankly... I can do without that!!!

So i think instead, ill talk about the Christmas when i decided that i DID want to recover... Its not the Christmas that i started recovery or the Christmas that i got better (im still waiting for that full-blown RECOVERY moment, its on my xmas list tho :p) But its definitely a time when i started looking at myself and realising that i really didnt like the person id let my anorexia make me. I wasnt happy and i certainly didnt like the way i looked (all still true). But yeah... That was the year we went to Costa Rica for Xmas....

feeling awkward in my body

It was actually a really good idea, the chance to get away from all our problems at home... be somewhere warm (which my doctors recommend for my blood condition - winter is not my friend!) So we decided to go on an all-inclusive trip over xmas. Im not gonna pretend it was the best holiday, it already started off badly when it snowed CRAZILY the day that we were supposed to fly, so after waiting at the airport for about 6hours, we were told no flights were leaving and we had to drag our sorry selves home till the next day. When we DID evetually get out there, we discovered it wasnt QUITE as "nice" as the brochure made out. But im not gonna focus on the bad points, cos i wasnt even that fussed about all that, i was happy to be away!! And actually, it wasnt all that bad.

see, i enjoyed it...!! 

but then im not as big of a moaner :p

And there were in fact some very positive attributes too! For example: the all-you-can-eat buffet! Which meant that i felt abit freer about eating stuff. I saw all the other people tucking into the burgers and chips at the snack bar and loading up on the desserts in the evening buffet. They always had a salad bar, so i felt safe knowing that i could then take other stuff from the ever changing variety they had each day. Another thing that really helped was that i met another girl there who suffered from anorexia. She was a model and id spotted her pretty much when we arrived cos she was very tall and thin, but more like "model" thin, ie: not "scary" thin like me. I stood out... (she told me  after that she knew as soon as she saw me) I guess you cant hide these things in the boiling hot heat of a tropical country :( Anyways, she had been told by her agency that she had to gain weight or they couldn't represent her... so she was chowing on down! She mainly ate alone, but when we got talking i realised that was so she didnt feel triggered. She helped me see that its ok to eat... especially when i had to sit at meals with my sister eating tiny portions or having a grapefruit for breakfast. GAH!!! i know its stupid to compare, but as an anorexic it is damn hard not to when its right there in your face! So when i saw her with her double helpings and big bowls of icecream/dessert i couldnt help but admire her brave attitude and try abit harder myself. If she could do it why couldnt i?! But i wasnt as strong... i wanted to be, but i wasnt quite ready. But it made me see myself for the sick and disordered girl that i was. The one that everyone else could see, but me. and THAT is why it is the most memorable Xmas for me. Cos it was the start of my fight... it was when i decided that i DIDNT want to live like this forever and i knew id have to change in order to live the life i DID want.

i knew i was too thin, i just hadnt SEEN it till then

Again.... i know im still trying on this. And i know that its not very impressive to say that 2 years down the line, im STILL trying to make that leap. I dunno... there isnt really much i can say. I know its crappy and i need to just "do" it. But the fact is, that this is still a daily struggle for me. Im making changes, maybe not as fast as i should... but im not perfect and sometimes things arent always as simple as they seem.

That doesnt mean ill stop trying tho! Ill fight this bloody thing till i DO beat it :-)

and that my friends, is a....

So there you go! I hope that down the line ill be able to enjoy an ED-free Xmas. It would make me happier than anything to be able to just relax and enjoy it like i used to before i got tangled up in all this. 

That'd be the best present ever!