almost over!

The day has finally come people.... 

Yup, tomo is the last day of term! woopwoop/hollah/yippityyip etc! Today was the last official FULL day of school! Cos tomo we finish at 2pm so i only teach morning classes. then after lunch we have our form-time and then its FREEEEEEDOM!!!!

Phew. 

About time right?! This term has been killer... it feels like so much has happened!! Ive made new (and now firm) friends :-) we lost a valuable member of staff - due to "mysterious" circumstances, he resigned after nearly 230years at the school (still baffling that one, it must have been bad) not to mention tackling new and varied challenges, both in my teaching and in my personal life. Introducing the moped and trying to be a lot more proactive with my recovery after deciding to go it alone without my treatment team (who were pretty pants anyways!) and a whole host of other shenanigans.

See... i totally warranted that Phew!

Now sadly tonight i had another little "Grrr" moment. This time it was the mothership. Ahhhh, how she triggers!!! I know she doesnt mean to, but its like she just PRESSES my anorexic BUTTONS :-s Yesterday i got home just as she was taking the dog out for a walk (i dont take the dog out much anymore, cos im trying so bloody hard not to walk as much and that became a "routine" that i needed to be less religious about) Sooo, immediately i was abit miffed. It makes me sad that i cant do it myself - partly cos i DO enjoy it and i dont get to spend much time with my poochums now shes in london with mum most of the week. But ALSO (and yes, mostly) because me ED screamed blue murder at me, saying that I must be fat and lazy cos someone else is exercising and im not doing it myself. (curse curse curse... i feel bad about this - but i JUST cant help feeling like im bad and guilty and doing some terrible wrong to my body if i dont exercise....)

Luckily yesterday i had only popped in before i headed over to my preggo friends for tea and a natter... So i didnt really have time to dwell on it. PLUS it was raining and PLUS the mothership said she was taking the car, driving to the field and then chucking the ball a few times before coming straight back. So i trotted off and felt ok. safe in the distraction at my friends.... 

BUT today, after a faboosh day of fun and feeling good, it happened again.... 

:-(

I was on a good note when i left school, feeling happy... feeling strong... feeling like maybe this time, recovery was actually starting to happen, that i WAS changing abit. But then a little niggle came into my head..."i wonder if mum is taking the dog out right now, cos this is what happened yest...." 

Oh, i wish to GOD that i hadnt had that niggle. But i did... and it stuck with me all the scoot home until i got in and i found her car wasnt there. yes, sorry. i freaked out. i rang her phone (hoping that she was just running errands) and no answer. GAH!!!! i knew it. i knew she was out with the dog. so being the stupid anorexic paranoid person i am, i walked to the field and there she was. Ohhhh, I got angry, I got upset. and im slightly ashamed to say i also shouted and i cried. I was a childish, stroppy banshee....

Cos its not her FAULT dammit, but what annoys me, is that i can see just how easy it would be to entirely AVOID this situation. i mean she knew that it was triggering for me, it happened less than 24 freaking hours earlier!!! but she didnt think. So i flipped out at her, which of course, i then felt bad for. She made me drive home with her instead of walking and that made me angrier and so i got all sarcastic and said "do you really think that really makes a difference now that the damage is done??? dont you think you shud try and AVOID the situation instead of sticking a sh*tty band-aid over the mistake you made...." Urh, i mean. what am i ON. thats a horrible thing to say... i hate how nasty anorexia can make me. Its disgusting to talk to her that way. What right do i have to dictate how and what she can and cant do? who died and made ME god??!!?!?

We got home and i apologised... the anger turned to self-hatred and i started feeling guilty for being a bitch and therefore feeling crap about myself again (this is how it goes...) She said it was fine, but i just felt awful and bad and like everything my ED tells me is true. I tried to explain that its like being bullied... but by yourself. which is far worse cos you know exactly where your weak spots are and what will hurt the most. PLUS you cant exactly tell a teacher and get it sorted... its always there. waiting for you :-(

Ive moved on now, i refuse to let the ED take over and spoil my night. But i DO still feel abit wobbly. Im scared to be honest... im scared of this disease and how quickly it can flip me into this horrible, angry person. I dont want to be mean and hurtful, but i guess its the anorexic side of me fighting back.  The only way to stop it is to carry on and use this to fuel my hatred of it... i WONT let it win. it doesnt deserve that victory. It deserves NOTHING from me. Its taken more than enough already!

Anyways. This has been more of a "me" post than the quick "christmas challenge" post that id planned!! hey ho, shit happens right?!

But i wont waffle on too long (and give yourself a medal if you got THIS far!!!) So here is todays challenge question. 

Favourite Holiday tradition.....

Hmm, I would say decorating the tree, cos that always feels like a very christmassy thing to do. But since we dont have a tree, i kindof fall short on that one!!! Soooo, id say my fave tradition is Christmas Songs....

I know, its not really a tradition, but i like that when the radio plays the first christmas songs, you know its ON. Bring on the festivity, bring on all the cheesy songs and the big obnoxious festive jumpers... all of it!!! Cos when i hear Mariah belting out her christmas tune... 

...i know christmas is finally here!!! 

:-)