WEAKend.

hello again folks!

sorry ive been abit absent over the past few days. it was reports deadline on fri and so i was pooped after that! i literally got home from work on friday night and slumped! Really. Im such a party animal these days.... You just cant stop me :-p

HAHA. hmpfh.

It does bug me tho, the whole passed out by 9pm tired thing. Im such an old grannypants and i HATE it. i feel like i missed out on a big part of my "going out" years cos of being ill. i dont believe in regrets, cos i am so lucky that i have recovered enough to be able to get my life back on track, some people who suffer from M.E dont, for reals. its scary. I mean i know im not fully better, i dont think i ever will be... i have underlying health problems that are not something i can cure. I can manage them, but im not really doing myself any favours by being underweight and therefore UNHEALTHY. My doctors are confident that if i can get my body back to a healthy weight, i will be much stronger and more able to maintain my other health issues (with observation). So you'd think that would be motivation enough to get better right?! easier said than done my friends....

But yeah. i do feel abit like a big old snore bore. Sometimes i just wanna go out and PARTY, but i almost dont remember how! I know that its not my fault that im tired alot and yes, its better that i rest and get better. but my GOD is it frustrating!!! i feel like time is ticking away and im wasting my life sitting about being scared to take chances and live my life how i want to. 

i just dont wanna waste my life!!!

Saying that, i had a really good day yesterday.... My friend A came round and we watched the notebook on dvd. I was totes sceptical about it (im not a big slushy film fan) im too damn cynical! but when A said it was a goodie, i knew it would be ok, cos she is JUST as cynical as me... we love a good moan! What can i say, it was SOOOO good!!! i have to admit, i am a ryan gosling convert :-) how have i missed out on his hotness for so long?! i swear i had him confused with someone else, cos i thought he was like a boring, soppy, girly type actor... and he is SO not!!!! so yeah, i may have developed a wee crusheroo! but hey, thats ok! its about time i got a new film-crush, methinks that teenage 'josh hartnett' dream is just soooo nineties :-p haha. (he is still my all-time LOVE in the virgin suicides tho...) if you havent seen that film, GO SEE IT NOW. it is one of my faves.

So it was nice to chill out and have some girl-time. we always have such a laugh and i dont feel self-concious with her... even tho she is super confident and sociable, i dont feel like i have to put on a front, or "entertain" her. we just chat and its natural and fun... we were talking about how we both need to get on and find a summer romance :-p sadly we cant travel back to 1930's southern america and find a ryan gosling, notebook a-like... but we can make do with the next best thing! Weve decided we are gonna start trying to get more "out there". instead of always just going to the same pub, with the same people, not bothering to dress up cos its just the same old same old. We want glamour and fun and excitement, not just being slobby and casual and drinking beer... we're gonna dress up, make ourselves feel good, listen to music and get in the mood while we get ready, then hit the nicer bars in town. Instead of just pubbing it. We have to do our outfits justice and have a cocktail or two... just having fun! i talked to her about how i feel like i dont deserve to wer my nice stuff, cos it doesnt fit right anymore and i just feel so frustrated that im not better yet, even tho i know its my fault. She said its all about baby steps and having motivation and things to look forwards to will help. It so does!!! im already excited! I WANT to put on weight and for the first time, i dont care about the fear of gaining "the wrong kindof weight" or losing control. Its a means to an end. Its a means to happiness. I can always get back to exercise and stuff when i have some weight to maintain! Cos now, there just isnt any point. i KNOW all this. but et my instinct is still progammed to ED. i need to change the settings :-p 

We went through my wardrobe (cos she's only been to my house a few times) and it was so good to do girly things, chat about clothes, lay on my bed and go through jewellry and makeup and stuff. ive never really done that before! its kindof sad isnt it?!) But our group is more male-based and therefore more abot the "going out and doing stuff" thing. they dont wanna spend ages deciding what colour to paint their nails, or going for a massage or something! i want some of that girl-stuff. Back before i got ill i lived outside of town, so id always go to other peoples houses... when people did come to mine, it was for a party (i was lucky to have a big house with a pool before my parents got divorced) plus when i was like 16-19 i wasnt really that fussed about it so much, i had more male friends than girl ones. And that was fine then. But love them as i do, i do sometimes feel like ive missed out... now i want some girly friends to do this stuff with! i am a girl after all!!!

After that sesh, i felt really positive and upbeat. in fact all of yesterday i was like a chipper little jellybean. even when i fell over on my way into town to meet A, did it bother me?! Hells no!!! i got up, laughed and smiled it out :-) weirdness. usually that would have had me feeling dumb and useless and tarnished the rest of the day, but not yesterday! i was up on happy-street and nothing could touch me! (i think maybe mr kelloggs slipped some "happy-grains" into my cereal :-p) Today im a little more subdued. not down or anything. but just more aware that despite being a happyhead yesterday, my eating has still not been good. GAH!!! i just dont eat as much on the weekends. some people are really good at dieting all week and not eating junk etc and then they cant help but have a blowout on the weekends... not me.im the oppostie. i try to stuff my face more during the week and then on the weekends, i struggle to eat at all. note to self... MUST TRY HARDER.

Anyways, its another week of school next week. but its winding down now... we have sports day on weds so no lessons. woopwoop! except i have to stay behind and teach the juniors instead of sunning myself on the field with the seniors :-( gutted. i love sports day! Never mind, at least i dont have to teach as many lessons :-p

But it does reinforce the fact that the weeks are flying by... its only 3 and a half weeks till i break up and then its the long summer holidays to deal with. I have to start taking the steps to get this under control before then.... cos I do NOT want to spend summer battling to get past my routine problems. Till then, every weekend needs to be a chance to test out methods of coping without my weekday structure. cos pretty soon that structure is going to be whipped from under my feet and im gonna need some SERIOUS balancing skills if im not gonna fall flat on my arse. (metaphor loving again, sorry!)

I still have some time. but only like a month. Its not long... and every day counts. I must step up to the challenge NOW. cos time will go very fast and if i havent put in the work, then there will be no reward. There's no way my weights gonna be where i want it to be by summer anyways, but if i dont make some considerable changes NOW its gonna be last year all over again. I need to take this seriously. 

last summer. 

Oh, if only i could listen to my own advice and stop listening to ED's excuses.... there just lies dammit. why cant i see that?

RIGHT... kick up the arse please?!?! 

any takers?!

:-p