i didnt crumble!!!

Okaaaaay, so i didnt post yesterday cos i was crazy busy (still i am today :-s) reports are due in TOMORROW and i am yet to complete. Bahahaha, i dont even care anymore!!! they'll get done im sure, but i imagine ill be signing and printing off upto the lastminute tomo afternoon :-p

But basically, i had to pop in and tell you all that (not wanting to toot my own trumpet!!!) but i have been doing preeeeeeetty good the past two days! Im in a positive mood and im going with it. I was so pissed off with myself for letting ED sneak back control over the half term break, that i was even more determined to get things rolling again... on tuesday i was back in the unit and therefore on the full MP and instead of letting this (and the weight gain) be an issue and a trigger, i made a stand. i decided that i was gonna gain weight either way so i might aswell do it properly and EAT! Just do what im told and then when i gain, ill have a reason for it. it wont be such a scary thing. it will be what it is... eating to gain weight.

So yesterday was challenge day. i was back at work.... would i be able to implement the proper MP?? i was determined enough, so i knew id damn well try!!! and i did. i sucked up all the nasty ED thoughts after i again STOPPED myself from doing my stretches and i made it through the day. But when i got home i knew the real challenge part of the day wud begin.... i have such trouble changing my dinner routines, cos i just eat what im used to. i dont like to try new things, i dont like to switch things up. im as rigid as a brick wall! which needs to change. so enter dinner challenge numero uno.

KEDGEREE!!!

ive wanted to make this for a while after i had it at my aunts house about 5yrs ago. but ive never plucked up the courage to give it a go. well yesterday i had all the stuff i needed, mum was in on the plan and off we went! cooked it and oh em GEEEEE it was good!!! i coudnt actually believe that i had cooked this tasty delight. ME?! wowzers! i know i can cook... but i thought i could only cook very simple, virtually fat/calorie/carb/fun free meals. apparently not! even mum was impressed :-)

we had that, followed by a plum tart that mum had made. i was very tempted not to have the tart but i did it. i know i have to stop giving myself ways out. excuses are my downfall. i feel full, i want something else... blahbaddyblah. 

Food is good. it gives you energy and its nice to eat. it doesnt need to be perfect! it just needs to be edible. them be the rules... now go EAT!!!

Funny thing is, after this monster meal i thought id feel super guilty and full and all that ED stuff. But before bed, i decided that, y'know what... i wasnt THAT full, so i had my usual bedtime muffins aswell!!! which was a surplus to my MP. my plan says i just have to have the big dinner and full pudding. well i hit up some extra!!!  bish bash bosh :-)

Today ive been at the unit and the next big ta-daaaa (this is the final piece of "im so chuffed" -ness, i promise!) Well instead of my safe yogurt/fruit/cerealbar pudding at lunch.... i agreed to have a dairy free apple crumble!!! 

who IS this girl?!?! its meeeeee! im just going recovery keraaaayzeeeeee. and (dont tell anyone) but im loving it. LONG LIVE RECOVERY CRAZINESS :-p

Ok, so its not all rainbows and big meals... yes of course i still feel HELLA guilty and yes i still need to walk alot or i cant cope. but im actually doing things! not just any old things, but things that previously i wouldnt have even been able to consider....

and i think that, my friends is called 

progress!!!! 

:-)