jumping in

Well helloooooo there! 

yes, im chilling in a toilet... im cool like that

Its been an emotional roller-coaster today. Its very hard to physically stomach being back on my proper MealPlan, but it has been even harder to convince my warped ED mind that, yes... i DO need to eat.

(especially as i gained)

yup. despite my week of under-eating. i actually GAINED weight!!!

now normally this would fill me with dread and despair and force me down the route of even more restriction, but not anymore.... cos i know that there are explanations for this gain anyways. it could be water weight, the fact that my period came on today, cos i ate more yesterday being back at work and therefore my body will cling to any calories.... or ALL of the above! all perfectly valid reasons and all probably true, and thats great. but yknow what....

i dont care anyways!

its just not important anymore. whats important is that i have to get on and gain some PROPER weight. if im gonna have a chance of kicking this thing and having a decent summer. i need to gain anyway. so enough with the faffing. the meals are ON. and i cant believe i wasted that week being unhappy, hungry and lost in my ED head, for what?!?!? for nothing thats what. urhh, anorexia is such a waste of time!

So i chomped my way through the discomfort today and with each bite, felt more and more motivated to get better. So i texted mum and said "make us a big old stonker of a dinner will ya?" so im sat here, stuffed full and waiting for a big dinner. im scared shitless.... but i dont care anymore. I just got on with the day and all the groups (we had a new one today. GARDENING!!! ahh, too bad its pouring with rain, right? WRONG! clearly i spoke to soon, cos we had a somewhat random 'indoor plant potting' session.... oh dear god!)

you bet i did after all that composting!

i stretched this morning as planned, but i WONT tomo. im only doing it on the days im not at work... so unit days, when im more sedentary. im too busy when im at school to need any extra exercise. I hope that this will help me to realise that i dont need to do it at all if i dont want to. (fingers crossed!)

So all in all, a pretty decent day. i will leave you guys with an amusing picture of me trying to climb in a plant tub with some garden fencing.        All in a days work folks... 

ive gotta keep the humour alive somehow!! 

:-)