again with the confusion

hey folks... 

Im up in london at the mo, sitting in my sisters' flat. She's gone to work, my mums gone to work and im here all alone. just thinking and being with my silly head and trying to piece together some of the jumbled thoughts and feelings ive had buzzing around my head at the moment.

Yesterday i saw my occupational therapist....

She is such a lovely girl, so kind and thoughtful. but i felt like id let her down. I really did try this week, i hoped it would be different, but clearly im not as strong as id like to be yet. I still get influenced by the lack of routine and when i am in a vulnerable state like that, the ED thoguhts just jump right in and take over. It sucks.

We talked through why i felt like i had to punish myself and im still not really sure why i do the things i do, even if i dont particualrly like or enjoy them. She said how we might do things we dont like if they are to benefit other people (like if you dont really want to go out, but your friend needs a lift or something...) but things like my stretches and walking too much dont benefit ME and they dont benefit anyone ELSE, so why do i still feel like i have to do them? why do i punish myself??? its such a confusing feeling, cos really i know that i shud just STOP, but i dont seem to know how?? my habits are so ingrained that its like trying to fall without putting my hands out to help me.... scary.

When im up in london i dont do my stretches, which is good. But this morning it was very close to me wanting to TRY.... i was feeling very emotional yesterday and it seemed like everything was just gonna make me feel shitty. I got home from the appt early cos i knew mum wanted to get uptp london to see a client, but when i got home she was still busy, so i just sat in my room. kindof numb and stuff. then after about half an hour she was like, are you ready yet??? and i was like Uhhh ive been ready since i came home!!! and she was all OH, i was waiting for you! and then i just burst into tears cos i thought id let her down by making her late and stuff... it was just too much. everything. I bought some lunch (ive been skipping lunch this half-term, its always one of the first things to go...) but in my therapy sesh, we'd gone through a plan to try and get me back on track, which im damn well sticking to!!! and so lunch was back on. mum had taken it out of the fridge and put it in a bag, and THAT freaked me out! like what the hell!!! i dunno, i was so over-dramatic yesterday.... plus the anxiety of being in london with my sis. Urgh. it always gets me panicky.

And fairly so. cos when we got up here, my sis had already been bitching on the phone to mum, we were gonna go out for a meal but she was late home and so we said we'd meet her there and she got all stroppy and said NO. we shud have waited so she wasnt coming. THIS stressed me out cos we were having a big meal and she was bailing out. me no likey.

when we got home, i could see she'd had a salad and some fruit. holy trigger.

I know there is no point comparing, but heres the thing... my sis had eating issues back when she was a teenager and she still has disordered eating now. She is a healthy weight, but is very rigid about what she eats and this really hard for me.... anyways. last night i knew i had to stick with my plan so i did it. But this morning, when i was lying in my campbed watching her get ready to leave, i just felt so shitty... cos i know she doesnt need to gain weight, but it seems like all she eats is soup and salad and fruit. But yet she isnt loosing weight? so what does that mean?? its so confusing! mum says she wants to try and lose weight, that shes not happy as she is (im sure seeing me like this doesnt help either :-s) but if she is eating that little and still not losing, then what does that mean for me?? i mean, i thought post anorexia you shud be able to maintain on a higher amount of cals. but yet, she eats very little and isnt losing weight? what gives???? shud i still be eating this much? my ED screams at me to say that this is not normal.... that i will have to go back to eating that little when i am weight-restored too. i dunno. its just a big mess in my head right now... i KNOW what i have to do and thats to eat more and get back to following my MP and keep my walking in check. but its so hard when i guess my ED is desperatly trying to give me reasons to NOT get back to eating as much.

Sorry this is a ramble, but i just had to get some of these thoughts out. comparing against other people is hard enough, but when you have something like this in your face making you question recovery even MORE... gah, its ten times harder!!!

i wont give up, but some support would be seriously helpful right now!! what do you think about this? is she under-eating? do i still need to eat as much as i do...? 

give me a little help lovely readers

 :-)