early mornings

I woke up at like 5:45 this morning.... Urhhhhh. Its like my body is so used to getting up early for work that it doesnt quite understand that i have a WEEK OFF! its cool, im an early bird anyways... but i feel like i should at least try and lie in... cos its a chance for my body to rest and all. but hey, you cant fight your body-clock can you?!

Saying that i DID try yesterday! i woke up at the usual 6am ish time. and i could have fully hopped out of bed and got going, i was all peppy and awake like usual... But i thought, Naaaah, i should sleep more. so i willed myself back to sleep for another hour or so, even tho i didnt really want to. I eventually got up at about 10ish, but my GOD i was so sluggish and grumbly when i did! i think it did me more bad than good!!! The rest of the day i was super tired and lethargic too, so today when the sun started peeking through my windows and i woke up at the usual early time, i decided RIGHT! i dont care... im getting up!

I thought this might be stressful, cos normally when i get up i want to do my stretches and im trying really hard to not do anything i dont FEEL like doing. I said to myself when i got home lastnight, that i am so sick and tired of making myself do stuff all the time, just cos i feel like i HAVE to, or that something bad will happen to my body if i dont... well, im done. I dont want to always be living under pressure of breaking ED's rules. Seeing all my friends yesterday relaxing and having fun and not stressing out made me realise that you dont have to live like this... punishing myself and feeling bad and forcing guilt onto my shoulders is not a fun way to live and since its not actually like i deserve this crappyness, i think ill pass for now. Ta, but no Ta!

So just a few wake-me-up stretches and then a shower... i cant believe its still so early! its nice, but it also makes me nervous cos usually when im not at work, i dont have a good routine. I wait and dont have my breakfast till really late and then i delay or skip lunch and i try to almost just pass through the day so that it gets to the evening quicker... but naturally, by restricting it has a negative impact on my mood and well, its a knock-on effect and it usually just all spirals out of my control. 

Now i will admit, i havent been good for the past 3days... i knew it would happen, if i was gonna be decreasing my activity i knew id find it hard to keep up the balance of eating all the time... but i am still in some kindof control (i know it sounds like im not... but i DO have a plan. and i feel like i have to try and do this) I felt like i needed to try and get the walking/being busy thing under control now, whicle im off work. cos ive tried to do it the other way, eating more to compensate the activity... and it just lumps me back into feeling guilty and needing to plan my life around getting activity in. Its come to the point where i just dont want to be that limited anymore... i have to try, cos i know i CAN eat more, the unit has taught me that...!! but if i dont get the exercise under control, ill just be packing in more and more food and not actually getting my head around the fact that i dont have to be compensating with being active all the time, that its OK to be sedentary.

So yeah. i have managed to be doing less, im getting abit more used to it (im very tired so i guess thats my body starting to respond??? But now i have to get my food back up. And not be a wuss about it (cos obvs the ED side has convinced me that i dont NEED that much food anymore... im fine eating this little, im not hungry so thats ok, right?! NOPE!! i know i do need more, and i am fully capable of eating it without blowing up...i was having it all last week and before, so no excuse!) So even tho i know the ED will fill my head with guilt and anxiety and make me feel like im lazy and greedy and all that... i know what it is, its silly talk... and i will NOT listen.

So moving on, i suppose i should reveal the adventures of yesterday then hmm?! Haha, it was such a weird day. Fun but weird!!! We were gonna have this big picnic on the fields behind my house, but since it'd been raining pretty much all weekend, we made a lastminute back-up plan yest morning. Our friend Jamie said that we could de-camp the picnic to his flat in town.... Okaaaaay, all of us? in his little sitting room?!!? HELLS yeah! why not!?!

So we all trekked down there, spread out a picnic rug FULL of food and let the festivities (and eating) begin! There wasnt a whole lot of choice for me to eat. but i did bring some of my own stuff and frankly i wasnt all that hungry anyways (screw you ED) and after the various "food challenges" amongst which the mini cocktail sausage one was a particular favourite.... yup, how many can you stuff in your mouth in a minute?!?! Niiiice! the record was 17 and i can tell you, it was NOT a pretty sight!!! But the day was so fun... it was just nice to just sit on the floor and chill. not feeling like i had to BE somewhere or DO anything. We just chatted, we laughed, Oh and the pic??? Well, we played an EPIC game of monopoly - which my team won!!! OH YEAH!!! secrets to our technique?? slow and steady people!!! (with a fair bit of cheating :-p) haha. never fails! it was fun. it felt normal and i felt like, looking around at the other girls there, i could be like that again... free. (maybe not cramming my face with cake and sausages, but y'know what i mean!) not worried to have fun and to go with the flow.... they may have their own insecurities and im sure they all have parts of their bodies that they dont like. but despite all that, im pretty damn sure they dont hate theirs as much as i do!!! so why torture myself anymore? it doesnt make me a fun person to be with and its certainly not much fun to keep up day-to-day. Enough already?!?! (could this be it.... the "changing moment"?!?! please please please!!)

So there you go.... im embracing change. (again :-p) i know that its not easy and ive tried this before, but i know that there really is NO other option. I dont see the point in prolonging this over and over and then kicking myself cos i havent changed and done what i wanted to do. I only have myself to blame, nobody else. Clearly my little "baby steps" just arent cutting the mustard. Sooo, its time to make more drastic changes. Scary as that is to me, but it has to be done. And if that means i have to let go of everything for a while... at least just to SEE what happens... Well, then thats what i have to try and do.

Every day is a journey. 

Every day is a fight.

One day i know i will look back and smile in the knowledge that i am a stronger and better person, because i let myself take a chance....

i trusted 

and i believed

:-)