Balancing Act

Today i finished work for the week... but not just the week as in, i have the weekend off. Oh no, i mean THE WEEK as in a week and a weekend!! its half term next week peeps, no work for me :-)

Now altho this is a great thing, cos god knows i need a rest! that illness blip last week was no joking matter, its taken me the best part of 2 weeks to recover and im still a little shaky... but luckily, i think im past it now. I had a proper meal last night! the first "proper" meal where ive plated up a decent amount and managed it. Plus then ive felt okay enough to brave pudding and night time snackypoo, which is awesome in my eyes. considering my poor inflammed stomach was struggling to hold down a measly rice cake last week. urgh. i HATE stomach bugs, but believe me stomach bugs when you already suffer digestive problems is like stepping on dog poo and then realised you have no shoes on... NOT cool! :-(

But there's a little niggle in the back of my head which has been steadily growing this week as i start to get back to normal.... you guessed it, ED and his sneaky, sneakers. creeping back into my head and filling it with nonsense.

All the time i was in bed, sick, i told myself that i needed to change. that having this ED was effectively sapping the life from me. Everything is harder and more complicated when my Ed is in the situation. So i was convinced that this was a turning point. and i still hope that it can be... but im nervous. As i am now feeling like i can tackle proper food again, i feel like i need to make my move. take charge of my destiny and step out from behind the safety of ED..... i told myself by the end of this week, by half term, i would start eating RIGHT. following my MP and having those 3 full meals and 2 snacks. no excuses. I decided that to keep me accountable i would aim for a target of 2000cals a day, no less. Because i worry that if i dont have a set number, then i will fall behind and maybe not get as much as i think i am getting.... But man am i scared. ED has started whispering that eating less over the time i was ill was better and i shud stay with that. i dont want to. i am feeling my hunger return and that is NATURAL. ive been ill, im now getting better, my body is asking for fuel to get me back to normal again. i need to honour this request, not deny it cos my stupid ED liked the fact that i was surviving (barely, hello bedbound!) on so little. Plus the fact that next week i will be significantly less active is playing on my mind. I know i need to cut back on activity wherever possible. But my ED still wants me to do the same as i do when im at work.... not more, but not less. Whereas i just want to find a happy medium. I managed to stop myself from doing any core strength exercises while ive been ill, cos i didnt see the point and i didnt want to damage my body. But again, now im getting better, ED wants me to "stop being lazy".... why cant i just BE. normal people dont worry about doing a quota of exercise, most normal people dont even THINK about strength training, or know what it means even... why shud i punish myself. i never used to.....

I need to be strong and stand up for the old me....

she was just fine, lets get her back!

Plus i want to start eating fear foods. I know that i need to gain before i go away on holiday this xmas, so do i want to gain weight slowly and cautiously only eating "safe" foods like i was before? or do i want to go BALLS OUT and start trying new foods and enjoying them again? heres a clue, i sure as hell dont want to get to a healthy weight without having indulged in a little decadence.... im not talking about gorging on junk food. but for gods sake, im scared of having a baguette cos i feel like if its not brown bread, its even MORE of a bad carb.

I need to see sense....

So, tomorrow i plan. I want to write down what i aim to achieve over this week of half term. I want to make changes that i can stick to, changes that will shape how i continue on with this recovery. I have alot to catch up on after being ill. But i know that if i stick to my guns i can do this. Its all a big balancing act right?! not going to fast, but not dragging my heels....

I guess i just need a bit of encouragement, im usually so positive..... but im still only human, i struggle with these things just as much as the next person.

So im calling on you fantastic people to help me out here.

give me a shout, a word of wisdom, even just a sign that its all gonna be ok.....

.....this wall looks pretty high from down here

i think i need a leg up!

Cos I love me some pink floyd!

thankyou

xxx