Damn i hate ups and downs.... its why ive never been a fan of rollercoasters! :-p
Lets start with the ups shall we?!
i managed to tick off one of my challenges!
Enter.....
Monsieur le Palmier
Perfection in its heart shaped beauty :-)
Now as some of you might know, i have been struggling alot this week... Being away from the safety of my home, where i can feel ok about eating more and challenging myself has been really hard for me. I knew it would be, but i didnt realise how much so :-(
Im sad to say, i slipped up. Something inside me just couldnt cope with the pressures of being in someone else's home, having lots of people around and feeling like i had to behave in a certain way. It scared me. alot.
But i have tried to make changes. I havent been doing much activity... a walk in the village or a quick dip in the pool. this is far less than i was doing at home. BUT i havent been eating well, ED has isolated me away from the people because he couldnt cope with sitting down at a table with 10 or 11 people all around it, food covering every surface... it was too much. So i have been trying to follow my dieticians advice and get back some of the safety around eating. I have been making my own lunches and dinners and eating them quietly where i can feel less anxious. Its not ideal and i feel like an idiot doing it, cos it makes the whole social balance abit awkward... but its what i have to do right now, and im not going to feel bad for that.
It raining today so i have been reading through my self-help AN book to try and get me back on track for when i return home. I know it sounds bad, but im actually looking forwards to getting back and sorting this out. I arrive home on monday and have therapy first thing on tues morning, so i know i can go straight in and get myself back on the gaining wagon... i managed to put on neary 4lbs in the 2weeks before i left so i know i CAN get back on the right page. ED might be strong out here, but at home, i know i can be stronger... he's capitalised on the fact that im in a strange place with unfamiliar foods and i let him get away with it.
Well that sure aint gonna continue matey....
Its one step at a time and im hanging in there. but changes need to be made when i get home. If theres one thing ive realised out here, its that you can never rest easy with this illness - cos the minute you let your guard down, ED is in there like a shot... filling your mind with his filthy lies.
And lies are exactly what they are... so i dont wanna listen anymore.
(frankly, he talks alot of sh*t!)
So there you go, im not sugarcoating anything.... im being honest.
THIS IS HARD
but i want it more than anything
Has anyone got any advice for me in these last couple of days before i head home?? Im just trying to keep on track and ignore EDs voice in my ear, im not pushing myself too hard cos im in a very delicate place right now (mentally, that is... its not like the walls are falling down or anything!) But id appreciate any support for when i get home, shud i jump right back in all guns blazing? or try to build myself back up again... i dont want to waste anymore time!
Thankyou Lovelies
Je t'adore
xxx
Ah, bonjour mon ami, its nice to hear from you. I think u could use the next few days as a learning experience, try and identify all the things you COULD do if it werent for that pesky little liar in your head, then you can get yourself ready to challenge yourself into doing those things when u get home. In that way then, you are more preapred and it is more manageable. But keep doing what u can while there at the moment, I have faith in you. fi
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Sorry you've been struggling this week. I think being away from home and having your normal routine messed up, definitely makes it difficult to stay on track. But you CAN do it Clemmy, I promise. Just take each day at a time and do what you know is right. Remember all the things recovery means to you. Remember all the hard work you put in before at home - you don't want to reverse that.
ReplyDeletex Hannah x
ps. that pastry looks so cute!
Oh love I'm so sorry that you have been struggling whilst away, I know it's so hard, especially being away from the comforts of your own home. As this makes it hard to stay on track and focused in your recovery.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, take each day you have left of your holiday as it comes, and when things feel bad think to yourself, no Clemmy I CAN do this! Because you can, think of all that hard work you have been doing at home, and keep in sight the benefits recovery has for you.
Well done on the croissant, that's a big achievement.
I hope your having a nice day. Keep fighting and stay positive.
Lots of love
Jess xxx