pushing forwards

Wow, i cant believe its only 11am and im already tired...

I think its mental exhaustion! my brains been running on overdrive lately with all the thoughts flitting about in my head, recovery, food, ED, school, job, future, friends.... ARGH! its like im always on standby... im that little red button, glowing on your CD player or TV, we're told we shud feel bad about it cos it supposedly wastes energy, but like that little button, i never seem to remember to switch off!

my arms arent as hairy as this!!!

Saying that... it could also be cos my neighbours like to sit outside smoking and chatting till the wee early hours. Grrr! some of us need our beauty sleep y'know!

Anyway lovelies, its the weekend again! how quicky is time rolling around at the moment!? does anyone else feel like summer has gone by in a blink and you've missed it haze?? i cant actually think what ive done with myself! Im also abit worried cos i had such great plans to be weight restored by the time i went back to work in sept and i would be a changed person and ED would no longer rule my life. Hmm. optimistic!? perhaps.

I can honestly say that i AM in a better place recovery wise, i have had some setbacks and slips which have meant that, unfortunately my weight is still pretty much where it was at the start of summer, sure ive gained abit but ive also dropped some and then ive maintained for a bit too.

its not really good enough and i know it.

I havent been consistant with my eating and its my own fault, i cant deny that. But the struggles that ive had have forced me to confront the issues behind them and i feel like i am stronger and wiser because of this. Ive made progress with therapy and i feel like im more in control now that i know what trickery ED will try and use to get me back in his grasp, but im not giving in... i know that the more i persist the easier it will get, so why stall any longer?? Ive been stuck in this rut for too long now, gaining abit, freaking out and then having to start over. Well to be honest... IM TIRED!!! i cant be bothered to waste any more time worrying about the "what-if's". Because my fears are so beyond truth that its laughable....

eg:

What if i start eating and then cant stop?

Well this is just silly, ive never had a problem with bingeing or overeating... if im honest i have more trouble being able to eat enough! and anyway, i NEED to eat more, there is no limit for me right now.

What if my metabolism is so messed up that when i start gaining, it doesnt know when to stop?

Again there is no reason why my metabolism would be "broken"... i had a healthy body before, i was never overweight, in fact i have always been at the lower end of the BMI scale. My body will return to this when i give it what it needs. it knows its set point, so i need to trust it.

What if my body freaks out again & my intolerances get even worse?

This is a big fear, the unpredictability of my body scares me. When i was sick and i couldnt eat without something triggering me to be ill, i lost all trust in my body. But i survived and i can survive this too. My body is an amazing machine, its adapting to new things and im so much stronger than i was when i was sick. So i need to face my fears, if i eat something that my body reacts negatively too... ill deal with it. Its not going to kill me! i dont want to live my life being scared of putting anything in my mouth.

Ive been thinking about all these things and im pretty sure the underlying fear is lack of control. Lack of control over my body and my life. ED gave me that control and made me feel like i was taking charge... but i wasnt at all! i was living under his rules and i see that now.

Theres so much i want to do with my life and let me tell you, none of them involve stressing about food!!

So im back at work in just over 2weeks which means i need to use this time as productively as i can! I really want to get to a better place before term starts.... I havent exactly been inactive over the holidays, but i have been trying to take it easy (alot more time sitting and blogging!!) But soon i will be back to being super busy and that means ill be burning more calories and therefore need alot more to gain. I want to get used to eating more NOW, so that doesnt come as a shock and trigger me. Im also going to cut down on any unneccesary activity now, cos i dont want to feel like i have to keep it up when i get back to work... ill be active enough doing my job, i dont need anything else!

PHEW! i have alot to stick to if im going to make this happen.... but my future is in my hands. I know this is my battle, but i could really use your help and support to keep me motivated. Those of you who are on CC (you know who you are!) i cant stress enough how impressive the commitment you guys are putting into trying to gain is, i think you're amazing!!! Its like there's been a sudden surge in motivation and its so good to see people taking back what ED stole! It makes me want this recovery so much, i want to be one of those people too! :-p

Anyways, im feeling alot more awake now and with renewed vim & vigour!!!

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend :-)

xxx