Only two more sleeps till my holiday!!
Im excited... of course i am! But im starting to get abit nervous too :-s
Whereas here in the uk (where the sun rarely shines for long enough for you to expose much bare flesh!!) i have been able to get by this summer wearing my long-sleeved tops and covering myself to avoid the looks of disgust/pity that inevitably come with being underweight. but on holiday, i cant hide.... im scared because i know that when i was there last year, people commented on how thin i looked, and yes, i was too thin... but i know that i look worse now. I dont know what my weight was back then cos i was still firmly in denial that i had a problem (even tho looking back it was patently obvious and im sure everyone knew or at least thought it) even an old french man in the village asked me why i was so thin, i was carrying a pie at the time cos mum had asked me to pick it up for that evenings pudding, so i said... i know, look im having pie. (knowing full well that i wouldnt be partaking in a single slice of that pie)
This year i want to be different....
No more forbidden fruits
I know it already IS different, cos i have accepted my problems and sought out help, but im still afraid. Im afraid of what people will think when they see me in a bikini, im afraid of how my mum will feel.... i dont think she has seen me in so little clothes for a while and im terrified of how this will make her feel :-(
I am determined to make a change this time, i dont want to be restricted by my ED... i wanna have a slice of that damn pie!!! I know it will be a struggle out there, away from my safe routines etc, both my therapist AND nutritionist have warned me of the dangers of holiday restriction, and that i shud try my best to mentally prepare myself so as to try and avoid a relapse.... but what can i do???
Any suggestions on how to avoid an ED controlled holiday?
I will be taking some of my reading on ED's to keep me focused on the importance of recovery, but what else?? ive thought about maybe writing out some inspiring words/sayings to help me when i face a triggering situation. Im also hopeful that there will be internet connection working out there, cos mum is taking her new laptop (i promised her i'd finally sit her down and show her how to work it!!) so its possible that i might be able to still blog or at least read some of your blogs... something that always helps me when im finding things hard. I know it is a holiday and i shud try and shut off and relax, but im just not that kindof person!!! i will obviously be sedentary, as there isnt anywhere to go! but i get very antsy not having anything to do... my mind wanders and i start over-thinking things. which im worried will lead to ED thinking. NOT good!
Still, these challenges are here to test me. i want to prove that i CAN overule my ED, i have started to brave this to some success (its still early days!) but my CBT work in therapy has helped me realise that i DO have a choice... i can say no to ED and that is exactly what im going to do!!!
Phew, i needed to get that out! sorry this was a rambly brain jumble! my heads abit scrambled today.... i think i need to make a list!
Things to do before holiday:
- Get library books/mags to read (anyone read any good'uns lately?? i need recommendations people!)
- Get aftersun (i remembered to get suncream and totally forgot about my tendancy to burn!)
- Change pounds into euros £$£$£$ yes, i know thats a dollar, but hey keyboards arent that cutting edge to have a euro sign yet!!!
- Prepare my MP and pack snacks to take with me (i dont want to be stuck short if i cant find anything in the supermarche, so my nutritionist said to make sure i have a few safety go-to's...)
- Sort out clothes and PACK!!! i know this will be difficult for me as i will have to try on my summer clothes and determine which ones are acceptable and not too big :-(
Hope you're all having a fab end of the week friday! I cant believe how quick this summer has gone. When i finally asked for help and started recovery-i really thought id be weight restored by this holiday! how naive was I?!?! i now know that recovery is a lonnnnng process and it might even be a year till im back to a normal weight.....
Still id rather i put it on and kept it on!
Ive learnt my lesson about trying to run before i can walk :-)
xxx
Holidayyyy! Oh hun, I hope you have an amazing time and that you don't let ED come along! Try and get yourself in the healthiest possible mindset now and live in the moment on holiday. Something I do is I try to write myself little positive post-it notes when I'm doing well to look back to when I'm not doing so well.
ReplyDelete(I had a similar encounter like you old man/pie with someone a while back...someone asked me how I stayed so skinny and I was carrying Frappuccinos around at work and said "Look, I drink one everyday!". Uhmm, falsee :P)
Right now, I'm reading "Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin and I LOVE it. Basically, if you love Sophie Kinsella/chick-lit books, you'll like this one! The Carrie Diaries by Candice Bushnell was also really good :)
Lovelovelove
izzyy
xoxox
Hey there clemmstar!! ;)
ReplyDeleteYou sound EXACTLY like me before holidays,
What if? How to? What can I do? Lists of stuff to do, coping mechanism strategies etc...
Breathe, you are predicting things into your future that might not even happen. Over preaparing yourself can lead to a lot of un needed anxiety and stress, the last thing u need! Wait until u get there, suss things out and then come up with a game plan. Accept that, times will be hard, ed will pop up, but if u accept that and are aware of that, then u will be ready for him when he strikes so that u can say "oH, hello, i knew u would try and come to ruin my holiday, but sorry, ur not invited!"
Maybe try explaining your concrens to your mum and say that although u look thin, at least ur doing something about it, unlike last year. That could put her at ease.
I did a lot of low bulk high cal foods when iwas away, as it was the easiest option, but try and stick to eating right and treat yourself too!
have a fab time.
fi
xxx
It's perfectly normal to feel anxious, scared, and a mixture of emotions before you go away on holiday, espec with your family. Try not to dwell on negative thoughts, or think, what if. It will only make your anxieties worse.
ReplyDeleteI find that if I'm being triggered by something, I try and take myself away from everything, to read a book, chat with someone, and whilst doing this I tell myself its okay. Because it will be okay. You will go on holiday and have an amazing time.
Don't let what other people say affect you, because now you recognise your problem and that you are no longer in denial about it, that is one of the most positive steps you can take in moving forward from you ED. Many people you face in life, will never understand the on going battle people that have eating disorders face, and if people say things that may seem horrible offensive etc, let it brush past you, because you know how hard you are trying to overcome all of this, and that is the up most important thing, that you focus upon yourself and not others, who don't even know you as a person.
I hope you have an amazing time on holiday, and if times get hard, take a deep breath and believe in yourself.
I hope this year you get to try some of that pie. :)
Love Jess xxx