friday dancing DUO!!

Does anyone else do a little friday dance when the week is over and they can finally relaaaaax into the weekend!?! 

.....No?!?!

Cos i sure as hell do!

And today it was extra nice cos i got home and my roomie was already there waiting for me! Sooo it ony felt right for us to do the friday dance together. WOOPWOOP!!! so glad nobody else saw us tho, cos we seriously need to get some better moves :p

Ahhhh i love fridays :-) its my easiest day at work and i just love that feeling you get, when friday comes - you know its all gonna be ok....

BUT lets not race ahead! cos im sure you must be wondering how my evening of EEK went lastnight... And im pleased to say, it went pretty well! We cooked up the lasagna, but to be honest it wasnt THAT pasta-ey, it was more about the butternut squash (we had a tonne of the stuff!) so naturally my ED was happy cos i had essentially had a big plate of cooked squash and spinach, with a little bit of (slightly crunchy) lasagna sheet with it. haha. our cooking maybe wasnt QUITE that good :p but it was the thought that counted... the fact that i let her cook and i didnt back out, which i was very close to doing after the parents evening and getting home late and her being locked out so she couldnt start cooking till i got home etc etc. Yeah, basically all PRIME excuses for my anorexia to kick in and 'disallow' the meal. but i didnt. so that was positive :) and even tho it maybe wasnt THAT challenging in the end, what with it being mainly veg... the acceptance of the challenge was a step for me... cos i really didnt know what it would be like. and i WAS scared. So yeah, next time it will be even better. I can do this thing! We're thinking of trying to cook a paella next week after watching them do one on come dine with me lastnight. Hmmm, guess we'll have to wait and see how THAT turns out!!! 

So that was all coolies, i didnt restrict at all today either. Even tho i didnt feel hungry for my morning snack, i had something cos i had time and i wanted to make sure i had energy cos it was a nice day and i wanted to go for a walk into town during my free periods. It was a nice walk tho, i didnt feel out of breath and achey, but that meant that i walked more and more - cos i liked the feeling of it... and now im tired and achey. Go Figure.

Its such a piss-take. i cant keep this stupid "want to, shouldnt, want to, DO" attitude going. cos i know its wrong. but then i tell myself that i enjoy it so its not disordered, and if i upp my calories to compensate, then thats "okay".... but then i dont do that either, so it IS disordered. and then off i go again on this stupid ED merry-go-round, which frankly... 

...id like to get off 

:-s

This weekend is another challenge. cos i really want to get my weekends on track with my weekdays eating wise. Its hard when i get up late and have breakfast when i shud have lunch and then i skip lunch and ive already missed my morning snack and then the D gets its wriggley way in and so i dont eat until i have a good dinner... when i gorge and eat freely. I shud eat freely ALL THE TIME!!! i just need to get it tallying up. but then the anorexia tells me im more active on weekdays so thats why i need more. which is just ridiculous and to be honest, why am i even listening to a stupid nonsensical WARPED disorder anyway.....

Because im stuck in a vicious cycle of routine, thats why. 

And i need a way to crack it....

Sooo....

*ENTER* the roomie!

:-)

Haha, she doesnt know what she's let herself in for with this one!!! But truly, she's already done so much to help me in the week since she moved in. I have realised that its OK to chill out when you get home, instead of immediately jumping to the things i normally do... we've had chance to just mooch in each others rooms talking about our days and stuff. which is nice! i dont just hide away in my room straight away anymore... which in turn makes me a nicer more sociable person :-) 

This has also filtered over to the mothership... who ive gotta say, has been ALOT chirpier too! in fact i think she was putting off going back upto london the other day, cos she was having fun here! Its good tho, she likes having another person to look after and have a giggle with. And if we're all having a giggle, she feels less stressed and is a happier mumatron too. so basically its WIN WIN!!!

Ive also realised that its ok to try new things food-wise, to break free from routine... Cos the roomie doesnt always cook a "dinner"... she goes with her feelings. like one night she got fish and chips from the takeaway, cos she felt like having some "comfort food" and then the other night she just snacked on a bagel with an avocado and other bits and bobs, its all about balance. And abit of what you fancy! Lastnight after the butternutsquash-heavy dinner, she needed abit extra, so she ate both the flapjack AND the cookie i brought home from the parents eve for her. Just cos they were there and she fancied them! You dont need to plan every little detail of a meal and eat it even if its not what you fancy. Follow your tastebuds, eat what you FEEL like eating!!! (and then try listening to your own advice, clem?!?! hmm.)

Sadly, the roomie is away in london this weekend so my weekend challenge support will have to wait till next weekend and the following week, when we both get a WHOLE WEEK OFF for halfterm!! oh Yeeeeaaah! major bonus to be living with someone who also works in a school :-) cos it means i finally have a school-holiday buddy! Most normal jobs dont have these kindof holidays, so its cool to be able to share it with another likeminded.... and MAN do we appreciate those breaks :p

So roll on halfterm and some serious "getting on with it"... In the meantime, i will continue to plough ahead. Listening to the thoughts that tell me that i CAN do this, i DO deserve to get better and it WILL be okay.... they are getting stronger peeps! So surely that means that IM getting stronger?? Cos I really want to focus on the GOOD side and be able to ignore the other side. Basically.... 

 i want to be able to say NO.