mother-trigger

Just what is it with my mother... WHY DOESNT SHE GET THAT I AM SICK???

its like she can complain and moan about it and say she understands and tell me i need to get help and all that, but when it comes to actually HELPING? well, she's about as useful as a sign saying "just eat a sandwich"...

helpful much?

So heres the background story. Ive been quite pleased with my thinking lately... i can see my disordered behaviours for what they are and while i havent fully beaten them yet. i DO know that they are there and i can identify that they need to change in order for me to get better. And my new housemate has been a great help in making me see this. Accepting that our bodies are not just machines... there is no "perfect" way to live. you eat what you want (and try and keep it moderately healthy) and you move about abit (but not excessively) and just like magic... you're body will be ok, it will look after itself! Amazeballs, right?! i just have to trust that and the main point is not to OVERTHINK everything, which is something i massively struggle with. i plan plan plan. but cant actually put those plans into action... so i get guilt and anxiety and then i plan some more to try and ease those feelings of loss of control and basically, set myself up for a vicious cycle of self-punishment and guilt. Boo.

Anyways, today my housemate is still away but the mumatron is here. And as i was reading an article in the sunday papers about joanna lumley i saw that she doesnt go to a gym, she prefers to exercise through her lifestyle. just being active and walking places and being busy. CHA-CHING! yipee! okay, im feeling warm good feelings now. i AM doing this right thing here.... im trying to just go about my daily lifestyle and that be enough, not feeling like i shud be walking/exercising obsessively to be healthy...oh wait, THEN, she goes on to say she has a coffee and a piece of fruit for breakfast and then maybe an ornage for lunch....

aaaand BAMMMMM! 

anorexia brain runs to get in on the action

:(

So i say to mum, "thats not good is it??" and she says its fine. say WHAAAAT????? so i get defensive and say why is it fine for her, when she's just been going on about how my eating is bad and i eat too much fruit and veg and all that. (bearing in mind that, even tho my eating is disordered and i DO eat too much "safe" foods... i still eat ALOT more than that!) But she says its different and then gets shouty at me which leads me to panic and get freaked out cos my brain is starting to run riot again and ive been so good about keeping the messed up side of my thoughts locked out. God knows how long i spend convincing myself that its ok to eat more and move less, finding research online and whatnot to calm my worries that if i stop walking and just eat, then my body will fall apart and be an unhealthy jellybobble. But noooo, she doesnt see that. she doesnt realise JUST HOW triggering that kindof comment can be. 

Why is it ok for her to eat like that and still be "normal" but i am an underweight anorexic???? Not that i WANT to eat like her, god no! but i dont get why she isnt anorexic and I AM.

Urgh. i know its not right to compare and all that jazz, but it just gets to me... i know alot of people who are a normal weight and seemingly healthy, yet they eat less than me and do a shit-tonne of exercise. so why arent THEY anorexic??? yes, maybe they dont have the added "thing" like me that means that i am disordered in my eating and over-think everything and so i walk too much to compensate and i eat less to feel more in control. But then its not like they go and eat pizza all the time and sit on their bums... they are trying to "lose weight/tone up/be healthy" too. it seems like everyone is. So it cant be that whole "you dont know what they are doing the other 50% of the time" excuse. 

I know this is just my anorexia having a big old kickabout. and believe me, i know i need to get stronger so that i can just let this shit brush off me. Im dealing with this alot better than i have done when my mums made stupid comments previously! But it still just seems like such a STUPID thing to say. why couldnt she have just gone "YEESHK, youre right - thats not alot of food"... so that i could keep up my brain battle about what is normal and okay (ie: eating 3meals and snacks and doing day to day activities instead of hardcore gym-going) instead of starting to think maybe that IS lazy/greedy/unhealthy. i dunno....

its hard to trust something, when it feels wrong

i guess it doesnt really matter, cos i will get over it. Im not gonna stop eating or anything silly... i know better that that. but it just makes me more hesitant to change what im doing now and to take the leap, yknow - the next step. Its like i need enough bloody convincing as it is (and you guys rock at that, so BIG thankyou!) but i hate that she doesnt get that a simple comment like that makes me question it all over again. and i really DONT need any excuses to start doubting again.

ANYWAYS!

 there you go.... Rant Ranty RANT. 

But now ive taken a deep breath. And ive written out my thoughts and worries and expressed them on here, so i dont need to dwell on them in my head anymore.... 

cos its time to move on with my day