say what?!

i SAID.... its the weekend! 

Which for most people means YIPYIP, free-time! but for me, after a week off - its just another day! Altho tomo it will be my last day of freedom... so im not too excited for that! :( Luckily it is also the day that my roomie comes home from her london trip, so that a positive thing at least... im going to pick her up from the train station tomo afternoon. yaaaay! im looking forwards to having my partner in crime back again :p

So aside from day-dreaming about the lovely doctor... (i have already settled us down to a nice house in the country with two kids and a labrador.... haha) KIDDING well, kindof :p But i have been trying to keep busy in order to squash those nasty ED thoughts that creep in when im home alone and feeling lazy/bored....  so yesterday it was a trip to the cinema with my bestest film bud :-)

He is really not a "girly" film watcher (he favours the zombie/action type genre...) but he always does me a solid and comes with me to these kindof films. he's seen two of the twighlight films with me and that was a MAJOR commitment on his part!!! Anyways, we decided to see this film called "beautiful creatures" - which is based on a book that i heard was very good. 

So i figured if the book is good, then the film surely would be too.... right?!

WRONG!!

OH and how wrong i was!!! i actually felt bad for dragging my friend along to see this absolute waste-of-time film! It was pants.... end of. Almost like a "light" version of twighlight, but far cheesier. if thats even possible! The main character was a witch and it was more based on the girl-and-her-powers, side of it. Emma Thomson was in it, which i thought meant good things. but even she couldnt save it, especially since the rest of the casting was truly shambolic. I mean the main male character was supposed to be like 16 and NO joke.... he looked about 35. in fact hang on... im gonna google his actual age. 

Hmm, so he's not quite 35! but he's still 24, which is NOT 16!!!! plus he has the most irrating voice ever and looks like a young jack nicholson. not the best "romantic leading male" qualities id say. He's no r.pattz - thats for damn sure!!!

your crown is safe for now r.patz!

Anyways. after a dissapointing two hours and £12 down... i headed out of the cinema and it was so lovely outside. Crisp and with little flurries of snowflakes! After sitting for that long in the cinema, i decided to walk home along the river... risky, cos that route usually turns into one of my power-march burn cals missions... but this time i just wanted to amble along and enjoy being outdoors after a day of inside-ness. which was really nice! I didnt feel compelled to walk harder or faster. i just enjoyed walking....

But guilt set in when i got home, cos i KNOW it wasnt the best idea... i hadnt really eaten much that day since i really wasnt hungry and i find it so hard to eat when im not hungry (no excuse, i know :s) But that undereating presents its own problems, cos when i WAS hungry for dinner i started uhmming and ahhing about whether i deserved to eat since i wasnt all that hungry anyways... the ED side of my head was pushing me to have a "low calorie" light dinner, when in reality i shud have been eating much MORE to make up for my lack all day (and i had to sit myself down and have a firm word...) Which helped and i ended up having the better option of a pitta pizza. but it showed me how eating less really does gives the anorexia power. this is NOT good.

Ive come to the conclusion that i CAN actually justify eating. i eat when i want to (which i know isnt enough, i shud be eating to schedule not to hunger) but i dont have a problem with eating more when im hugry for it.... what i DO still have a problem with - is exercising. yup, that old friend/foe again. Its that feeling that i need to "earn" the right to eat and feeling like being inactive is the worst thing in the world.

I know this is something ive talked about alot. And i may sound like i bang on about it and dont actually DO anything... which is guess would be a fair point. but its not for want of trying... i AM trying. but my god is this the thorn in my side :( it really boils down to this ONE thing... and its basically where i dont feel comfortable "not" doing anything. I dont feel deserving of it. which is not right.... the roomie is happy to chill all day at home and still eat when she's hungry. but im not. i feel guilty. i feel undeserving. and yes... i feel like ill get fat and unhealthy.

its sad that its so shallow. but i know this is what i need to address in order to get over the hurdle holding me back. cos i dont think trying to "eat to cover the exercise" is gonna work. Cos until i cut out ALL my "additional" exercise, i cant see how anything is gonna change here. I keep trying to find ways around it... do little bits like eating abit more, eating with abit more freedom... yes these are all good things. but they are all conditional as to whether ive been active or not. Its still there in my brain - tallying up and justifying things. I still have this ED mindset that is totally wrapped up in being active. So realistically, any little steps i make - actually doesnt change anything. even trying to cut back on activity doesnt really work, cos its still there... even if i only do a little bit - i then want to do more, i then feel BAD for not doing more.... and im right back into the cycle :(

God, id love to just wake up and go about my day. which isnt a lazy day by any means! but not to do all these silly little "extras" that i feel obliged to do. its not helping my mental state and its really not making me happy :(

So i know what i have to do.... i have to go cold turkey on the additionals. right? Yes it will be hard and im sure my mind will challenge EVERYTHING and make me feel like i am the worst, laziest, worthless person in the world. but it has to get better, surely?? TELL me if i do it, it will get better? cos its not like ill be lying in bed all day everyday... id still what would be considered to be "lightly" active just by way of my profession. But  that just never seems to be enough for the ED. Its never enough is it. Lightly active is better than what i am now. it means just BEING... not with all the extra "walks into town", the extra "walk the long way round to feel better"... and that obvs means no "morning stretches". despite them helping my back etc, its all too wrapped up in ED's control and until i can show myself that it DOESNT matter and nothing bad happens to me if i dont do them. I will be kept in EDs grasp for ever.... oh god. I know im not in control, that im driven by compulsion and habit. But i just dont know if i can do it... if it CAN be broken. 

But it can. It MUST be possible. its just gonna take a shit-ton of willpower and consistency. something ive struggled with throughout this, cos my very stubborn aries nature gets the better of me... i dont like to feel shitty, so i give in to the ED "easy way out".. but i know that until i let go of this control over my activity... i wont be able to recover. its as simple as that.

oh god, im gonna hate this.                        

but i think its the only way.

i just wish i didnt feel like it mattered so much, y'know... 

i wish i didnt feel like being inactive or even just LESS active was such a bad thing

:s