pause and repeat

Hey Guyyyys, man - i am SHATTERED tonight. I feel like i could fall asleep right here and now (not too hard to imagine, since im on my bed in a very warm and cosy room!) So im gonna bail on todays challenge post and catch up tomo instead.... 

I wont leave you without a LITTLE bit of wordiness tho! You know im a girl who likes to get her ramble on. Just call me ramblestiltskin :p

Ohhh its been a long day! my roomie was off sick and since i usually wait for her to shower in the mornings before i have mine, i very nearly slept past my usual "shower-time".... crazy for me right?! cos im usually SO routine based. HA! so i was already abit rushed... but weirdly, this morning i just felt meh about it... i couldnt be arsed to get up and do my stretches and whatnot - so i didnt! altho i felt pretty anxious about it at certain points during today, im glad i made that decision. Cos its NOT necessary. the world wont end and my stomach wont turn to jelly just cos i dont stretch. In fact, it probs doesnt make that much difference anyways, but i never know that cos im too chicken to risk it. Im going to try really hard to cut back again, cos ill admit it has creeped back in.... espesh when i have to get up for work, cos it gets me moving and starts my day. But then it becomes compulsive and i have to do it every day. Which is a worry. Its not good to push it too much anyways, my body barely has enough energy as it is so why do i try to push it even further? Dont i already know what effects its must be having? Do i really feel so unworthy in myself that i dont think it matters? That i deserve an aching worn out body? I mean, of course i know i do it cos im disordered, i dont see the wood for the trees so to speak. Cos having digestive issues, my stomach is always the area i panic about. I bloat regardless of food or drink, i have terrible cramps and stomach upsets... so naturally - my stomach is my "go-to" problem. So consequently, my abs stretches are all about trying to strengthen my stomach and wanting to keep solid strong flat abs. but lets face it, exercise is good if its healthy, but its really NOT if its not... and anyways the bloat is there whether my abs are strong or not! So who cares!!! Jeez, when i think about it, its like im neglecting myself... im forcing my body to do too much, leaving it ravaged and weak. If i saw an animal like that, id call the RSPA... so why do i think its okay to treat my body like that??? its NOT :-(

And when i look around, i dont think it makes THAT much difference anyways! One of my friends is in the gym ALL the time, she just loves it! But shes still curvy and has wobbly bits. So even tho she does way more than me, it doesnt make her even skinnier. cos i guess our bodies are different... i need less to stay small than she does. Which meansssss: exercise cant be everything. And then theres the millions of people who dont really bother doing anything, but arent fat or majorly unhealthy.... so its not like it'll KILL me to let my body get some rest! At least till i can manage my weight better and afford to use energy for things like exercise. In reality, there is no reason that i HAVE to do all this... its purely for my own self-punishment. i want to be happy in myself... but i cant be if i continue to neglect my body. i dont deserve all this.... why cant i just BE?

Case in point - my housemate. who, after calling in sick was curled up in bed when i left for work this morning... Then, when i got back earlier, she was STILL in her pajamas, having only ventured as far as downstairs - where she was sitting in the kitchen, chatting with the mumatron while nursing a cup of tea and a crumpet! Bahaha - serriously?! youve gotta LOVE that girl!!! I really think (and desperately hope!) she's going to be a very positive influence on me :-) She doesnt bust a gut doing exercise but yet she isnt overweight at all! So it must be true... exercise isnt the cure for all body evils! She eats what she likes and is still petite. Shes slim, but has a little belly... which is NICE! far nicer than my yes - flat abs, but NO jutting hipbones and sunken shoulders/chest. AAAAND more importantly, she looks comfortable in herself. shes soft and feminine and can fill clothes properly and i bet she doesnt mind  about being toned and muscly, cos shes better than that - she's HAPPY. And on top of all that, considering she hadnt left the house all day, i very much doubt she'd have been stressing about getting up and doing "planks" for her abs, like i would :p

i wanna be a happy face too...

Boooo! I wish these epiphany moments could be STUCK in my brain, cos the more i think about it, the more i want to DO it... to be like that. all FREE and stuff... y'know?! i just hate that my ED brain still makes me believe that other people can be soft and womanly without being untoned and jelly-like, but I CANT (even tho i never was? its insane???) im just trapped into only seeing the extremes... skin and bone or overweight, Cos there is no black/white, right/wrong in body shape and size... theres soooo much in between! Nobody is the same... but im blinkered and i cant seem to see "normal" anymore :s

Someone take off these stupid ed-tinted glasses for me?! 

and then STOMP on them till they shatter!!!