Like a picture of words??? 

or WRITING words?!?

Gaaah! why am i such a noob at these challenge things?! i seriously over-think things too much, sheesh - im actually starting to over-think my over-thinking now! No wonder my brain is such a muddle all the time....

Well i guess the best thing to do is to just write you down some of the words of my day... and THAT will be my way of doing "Day 2" of the challenge... I mean, it IS a written word blog after all!

Ahem, slight problem tho.... the words just arent coming.

And it COULD be cos im sitting here with a stupid big cheesy grin on my face!

the main moon - love me some mighty boosh madness :)

Basically im a happy bunny, cos I had a fun old night lastnight. 

it was awesome!

Im finally finding myself able to let things go more around food and social situations... its still a struggle, dont get me wrong! i still want to eat less than the people im with, i still compare what i have to what they have and tally up cals etc. but i dont let it ruin my evening anymore... If someone suggests we go out for a meal, i dont immediately panic that i wont be able to eat all day cos i have to "compensate", then if we decide to drive somewhere instead of walk (which happened TWICE lastnight!) i dont get anxious and stressed out and find a way to walk... I accept and stay with the group. Of course, i still get the ED twinges... but i do my best to ignore them and go with the flow. cos at the end of the day - its NOT a big deal! Being with my friends and having fun is way better than isolating myself and staying locked in my disorder.... Nobodys gonna give me a prize for being a "good loner"!

So lastnight, i went to the pub after work for a few drinks with the other staff to say goodbye to my friend... but it was abit weird, cos we were already going out later, but nobody else knew that cos obvs they werent coming... so it was funny. Normally i wouldnt have gone to this cos i knew i was going out later and that would tire me out. and yes - It did! but i did it anyways, cos it was my friends do and i didnt want to be difficult :p I didnt stay till the end tho, cos i had to nip home to change and then get to my friends house for the start of the REAL "leaving do". hahaha... Us main people were meeting at hers and then meeting the rest at the restaurant. But sadly a few people had pulled out at the last minute, not that it mattered - cos the core besties of the group were there and we knew it was gonna be a fun night... you cant fail the A*team :p hahaha.

Anyways, since we were running abit late, we drove to the restaurant (which was my first "go with it clemster" challenge) but it was good cos my GOD was it chillsome lastnight! Id been busy at work all day anyways so i was tired...  ED can go to hell, cos ive shot-gunned front seat in the car!

riding freeeeeeeee!

The restaurant was lovely, we laughed, we ate, we had a blast :-) After our meal - since the night was still young, we decided to go over the road for a drink. Again muchos laughter and sillyness... including an epic "smell my bag" game (inside joke, sorry....! basically my friend had bought a vintage bag and she was convinced it smelled of old grannies :p)

So, a fab evening all in all. And despite being shattered after the week, i was so glad i went.... i perked up and was on form (if i do say so myself) cracking jokes and being a part of the group. i love it when i get my groove back and make people laugh.... it reminds me of the girl i used to be, and cant wait to be again!! :-)

Today im feeling all fresh and excited cos my friend is moving IN tomo!!!! im nervous as hell as i know my ED behaviours are gonna have to be nixed. but thats a very motivating thought. this could be my chance to really kick those habits to the kerb...... if i just let go of that anorexic control.

Haircut this afternoon and then meeting two of my other friends for a coffee after. Busy Busy!!! but im starting to like that feeling. Not everything has to be scheduled and planned to the nth degree. In fact, it was mainly just cos i always wanted to ensure i got my activity in first that held me back. now i am less rigid with it (altho still havent been able to drop it entirely yet) i am less pressured. GOD i cant wait till i can kick it totally.... id have SO much more time!

Has anyone else with an exercise compulsion, found that giving up the unnecessary activity etc has been a freeing and essential part of their recovery journey? 

I know it has to be done, its just very hard to accept that it is the best thing for my body.... damn those "healthy living" magazines/tv shows/messages all over the place. I wish id never learned about cardio and strength training. i was happy just pootling about like a normal 'semi-active' person before they clouded my sensible judgement :(

POSITIVE THINKING!!! i will beat this. i will get my life back. i will accept that exercise and restrictive eating does NOT make me happy or "better". I dont deserve to feel like shit all the time when i can change it... i make my own future and i DO deserve to have a life without "earning" it first.... 

Phew. pep talk DONE :)